Day 80 #100daysofwriting

This is a catch up post.

Day 80 fell on Saturday the 15th. My challenge days fall beautifully in line with my days of sobriety, so Saturday was my 680th sober day and marked 50 days till my 2 years. Hush, hush... we can't be sure of the future, so we quickly mumble "God willing" and rap our knuckles on a table.

Rap... a knocking sound... or a type of music. Does R.A.P. stand for something? Repetitive Angry Poetry? Strangely enough, those are Brother's initials too.

Back to contemplating my sobriety. Someone said to me "It's a pity that you can't drink anymore" - I turned that over and over in my mind. I physically can drink alcohol. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol.

Same story for the common question of, "Do you think you will ever be able to drink again?" - I never lost the ability. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol. I don't regret my past but that's what it is, the past.

I also really like racking up my clean days. I don't need praise, I just like to count them. I don't ever want to have to start at 1 again. If that keeps me plodding along then I'm happy to count.

That makes me think about how when I went for the tattoo on my ribs, the pain was unbearable until Brother got me to count out loud. Maybe it calms me somehow, even if counting sheep isn't my thing...

Adios x

Tiptoe : Day 49 #100daysofwriting

Feet arched
Heels up
Simmering across the floor
On balls of feet
Toes splayed
Why do you bother?
You know I'm not asleep
You know the sound
The rhythm of my breathing
The aggression
I snap an eyelid open
Peering into your soul
Say what you must boy
My slumber is imperative.

Fashion Twins : Day 30 #100daysofwriting

Time really flies and I can't believe that Brother and I bought our flat just over 2.5 years ago. I think we exceeded most peoples expectations and are absolutely best friends.

Tonight when I got home he wanted shoe advice because we are going to a wedding in the morning. We ended up playing with outfit options and I had to agree that he had actually chosen a great outfit for himself. Who doesn't love a man with style?

I decided I needed an outfit run through too and in turn got his advice. It also boiled down to choosing between two pairs of shoes and Brother suggesting I add a belt!

I really dig stuff like this. I'm really blessed.

Princess Me : Day 25 #100daysofwriting

I really got lucky in the sibling stakes. My brother is really awesome.

 

We've both been ill this weekend but I definitely got hit worse. I haven't been this sick in a long time. We did our best at looking after each other - taking turns to get supplies, lifting the maid, hanging laundry (don't even ask why the maid wasn't involved with laundry) - and made it through.

 

Today we'd arranged family lunch out to celebrate Mom's birthday, which is tomorrow. It is Father's Day too. Getting up and dressed in something more stylish than leggings and a hoody was really not easy for me. I felt bloated and pale. Nothing felt right on my body. Brother came to the rescue and basically made me feel like my insanity was justified. He just listened as I lamented that my eye shadow clashed with my shirt and that I looked like a man.

 

He managed to get me out of the flat feeling vaguely attractive and munching rescue remedy. Who gets social anxiety about a family lunch? My family is actually lovely.

 

Of course the restaurant lost our booking... But found us a table. Then came the mammoth task of deciding what to eat after three days of bland food. I actually teared up and the waiter got a little worried. My family took the insanity in their stride and I ate more rescue tablets.

 

Lunch was great and we even got a chance to get some sun. Then I gratefully crawled back into bed and napped.

 

Anyway, while Brother was out at church I woke up and managed to cook some food for lunches, washed up and made myself a juice. I think I'm much better now. The whole cook and clean routine is actually my usual test the night before I go back to work post illness.

 

Anyway, glad I have an awesome brother and lovely parents.

 

Home #100creativedays Day 22

My day came crashing down around me towards the end. My head swum with images of suffocating dark water... Very attractive dark water with greens, teals and blues... And a disturbing little orange fish... like Nemo... who kept darting away from my grasp.

Then I came home, and I pressed my lips to Arizona's dark fur, and The Squire let me lament, and then he put his arms around me and told me that I can't expect other people to understand. He understands though.

Now, post shower, cuddled up in pjs... I can breathe. And sleep.
Oh, how I will sleep.

Family! #100creativedays Day 18

this counts as Saturday's post in the #100creativedays

My sweet little cousin-niece AM turned 1 this week and we celebrated yesterday. My tummy decided to freak out before we even arrived, so I rode a big nausea wave all afternoon and maximised on kid love.

On my mom's side of the family I have 3 boy cousins (men now I supposed!) Who in the space of less than 2 years, have all acquired a kid! I'm loving it, kids equal more family gatherings, equal a chance to play on the floor, they just bring so much good!

TK is the most stylish little boy, 21 months and been breaking hearts since birth. AM, just turned 1, angel face blondie with a naughty smile and infectious giggle. And the little champion AR, born very early and almost 4 months now, she is perfection and I'm hoping her eyes stay blue like her great granny's eyes (happens to be my exact shade too!).

Adore their parents too, especially their mommies who are not my blood but feel like they could be. You know the nightmare of someone being brought into you family or friend group who you can't stand? I gots 99 problems and that ain't one! My cousins have good taste!

Then a little mushy focus on my immediate family - my folks and The Squire. I'm blinking lucky, not just because my mom's been lifting me around like a legend this week, or because Squire turned into a tiny nurse yesterday to look after me, or my dad, the amazing man who seems to have revived my car AGAIN! But I'm blinking lucky.

I am so glad that my family is so close. Even cousins who I barely see and where we're rubbish at communicating. When we're together, we fall in step and it's like we were never apart.

Xxx

Go hug a family member damnit!

Zoot Suits & Candy

Brother has been pretty strict about junk food intake, so when he said “Let’s put on Suits and eat these…” while waving chocolates, I was dizzy with excitement. For the longest time, one of my (many) turns of phrase has been “Zoot Suit” – which often, but not exclusively, refers to pyjamas…. So I rushed off, with Brother following me and started changing into pjs…. Only for Brother to ask “what are you doing?”… then I realised…. He meant the series…. We’d said we’d settle down the 2nd season of Suits…

*chuckle* loving my new life