Honestly? Day 92 #100daysofwriting

Honestly today was hard. The pain in my neck, shoulders and jaw are extreme. It actually runs right down my back and into my bum. I hate complaining because I know people live with worse pain. How I don't know.

I went to physio yesterday and still feel bruised. I know I just need to let my body heal but I feel like my muscles are in fire. My head hurts so much that noises smash against my temples.

I'm lying in bed now wondering if I should move my clock into the lounge. Thank goodness the kid upstairs has stopped running laps.

I'm sore and tired, plus on a mission to develop healthy sleep patterns... so good night x

DEFY : Day 90 #100daysofwriting

I'm writing my own mantra here... Do Everything For You. Yes... DEFY.

 

This isn't about being selfish, it's about making changes for you, not for anyone else. I stopped drinking to save my own life. I need to eat well and exercise for my own well being - not to conform to someone elses ideal for me.

 

I've got into a stage of neglecting myself. I got stressed and didn't exercise - now I'm in horrible pain with my neck, shoulders and jaw... again. My teeth actually ache. I've booked a session with my physio in the morning to help unclench the knots I've tied.

 

I was directed to an article in the Dailymail about the link between stress, tension and breathing. It made so much sense - I breathe short and shallow, sometimes even holding my breath and sighing. It's all terribly unhealthy!

 

I really need to get serious about yoga classes again. It will take some sacrifice and better time management but I'm falling apart without it! It doesn't matter if I look fat or clumsy - I need to breathe, I need to stretch.

 

Hope I can give a positive report back soon!

 

Decompress : Day 83 #100daysofwriting

Stretch up
Lie down
Twist left
Bend right
Nothing shakes the feeling
Sit up
Lean down
Turn left
Bow right
Nothing releases the tension
Up
Down
Left
Right
Toss
Turn
Twist gently
Bend
Break
Breathe deeply
Nothing shakes the tension

Day 80 #100daysofwriting

This is a catch up post.

Day 80 fell on Saturday the 15th. My challenge days fall beautifully in line with my days of sobriety, so Saturday was my 680th sober day and marked 50 days till my 2 years. Hush, hush... we can't be sure of the future, so we quickly mumble "God willing" and rap our knuckles on a table.

Rap... a knocking sound... or a type of music. Does R.A.P. stand for something? Repetitive Angry Poetry? Strangely enough, those are Brother's initials too.

Back to contemplating my sobriety. Someone said to me "It's a pity that you can't drink anymore" - I turned that over and over in my mind. I physically can drink alcohol. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol.

Same story for the common question of, "Do you think you will ever be able to drink again?" - I never lost the ability. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol. I don't regret my past but that's what it is, the past.

I also really like racking up my clean days. I don't need praise, I just like to count them. I don't ever want to have to start at 1 again. If that keeps me plodding along then I'm happy to count.

That makes me think about how when I went for the tattoo on my ribs, the pain was unbearable until Brother got me to count out loud. Maybe it calms me somehow, even if counting sheep isn't my thing...

Adios x

Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Crash. - Day 2 #100daysofwriting

Crawling up my bonnet
Boots crunch
Gravel against glass
Face up
Back down
Scream out
Rain pelts down
Soaking me to my soul
Wet dissolves fabric
Flesh to metal
Freezing
Shivering
Screaming
The sky is a horrible colour
Drained of love
Drained of purpose
Stars are hidden
Rain falls
Face up
Back down
Screaming
On the top of my lungs
Top of my car
The edge of my world
My mind
My tether
Missing you isn't even it
I loathe you
My blood screams
I want you
I hate you
I need you
Both comforter and executioner
Crawling
Screaming
Soaking
Lying
Words pound
Worlds crash
Blood screams
Boots crunch
Rain pours

Bury

People bury treasures. People bury hurts.

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned"
- Bastille

Its not easy to squash down emotions without alcohol. I've spent the last 10 and a half months feeling raw. Its hard to keep things buried and it seems like everything I've ever buried is forcing its way out of the ground.

I feel so vulnerable and like so many things and people have the power to hurt me. Especially those people who actually know what is going on with me. Does that seem fair? To be beaten up over and over by people who actually know.

I'm clinging to the people who love me, and to the love and grace that God promises. I know I can weather this storm longer.

If it's within you, pray for me please.

Us Two #100creativedays Day 82

My head is full and has ached since yesterday. As much as I think that I'm stuck in my own pain and disappointment, I've had some really painful tales shared with me lately.

Are we all just water lilies floating on a dark pond? If you try and pick us up out of the water you will see our soggy roots, all entwined.

Families who don't love each other and tear holes in the ones they claim to love? Religious groups turning their backs on their own and punish free choice. People pushed away as if they don't matter. Lovers who fall out of love and lie.

I've decided to rewatch the 1st season of Hannibal before I launch into the 2nd season. It lead me along a disturbing line of googling. Human eyes are too acidic and will make you sick if you ate them... Brains would keep you full for longer but are high risk for making you crazy. (As if being a cannibal wasn't crazy enough?)

Anyway, my point, the idea of eating chunks out of each other is repulsive, but we rip each other apart on an emotional and spiritual level. I wish we could love each other, but it seems so far fetched. Doesn't life hurt us enough without us trying to destroy each other?

Grumpy & Green

I googled grumpy and this picture came up.... it could very well be me.

Apparently my bruise gives my face a green tinge... and my jaw is sore so my mouth doesn't open the whole way. I'm barely on painkillers and I'm back at work.... you guess my mood.
The office is quiet and no one is bringing me jelly and custard :(

On the plus side, apparently I look super thin... I am, thanks for noticing ;)

A Touch of the Vapors

wooz·y (wz, wz)

adj. wooz·i·er, wooz·i·est

1. Dazed or confused.

2. Dizzy or queasy.

 

I've spent the last three days sleeping, eating and feeling woozy. Waves of head spins. I can only think that the antibiotics are doing a number on my stomach, and the pain combined with painkillers are making my head spin. I don't think I need to explain how annoying it is to feel like you might collapse on the way to the toilet? As much as I enjoy snapping my fingers and having things done for me.... I would prefer to look after myself.

 

Fortunately I get dizzy, I don't faint. I feel the cold prickles all over my skin, feel my stomach spin and then sit down. I don't drop to the ground in a dead swoon. I do go deathly pale though. I don't know if this is the weird way that my body deals with pain recently? I did my fair share of woozy while getting acupuncture earlier this year. I don't think I blogged about that? But I'd go into a queasy, white, dizzy spell when the needles released too much tension. It wasn't pretty.

 

Anyway, this is just an update on my recovery. I'm glad that I only have to go back to work on Thursday, I took a very wobbly walk to the shops that didn't bode well.... Brother says I weave alarmingly....

Crash-Boom-Bang

“Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard”

                                         - Crash Test Dummies

I got into an accident yesterday on the way to work. It wasn’t bad in the mangled metal and bruises kind of way… more like the car that I rear ended still worked… and I was stuck in the intersection with a dead car… and obviously it was raining… me and a broken car, in the rain… a tad cliché now – ok maybe it only happened twice before. But rain does add a hideous melodrama to any mishap. Or is it me adding the melodrama? *throw hands in the air* It’s all about the story, dear reader!
Anyway, I’m in one piece, I’m insured…. And oh, how convenient…. I’m getting a salary bump at the end of the month… but, I also have a list of expenses… I did just buy a flat after all *sigh*

Let’s jump back 11 years to when I was 19, a poor student and learner driver…. When I wrote off my dad’s car, on a rainy night and both my parents landed up in hospital…. … That was a bad accident, and I really do think a part of me shattered that night…. I’m mostly put back together, but every so often a sharp edge tears at me a little bit, and I feel the fear…. Maybe that’s why I got such a huge fright yesterday, why I was bawling on the side of the road as if my heart was broken?

I think that’s all I want to say for now…. Everything will be ok, it always is….