Not Perfect : Day 99 #100daysofwriting

Vegging on a couch, babysitting and trying not to dwell on the fact that I've avoided posting all week. My weekend was amazing but I've been pretty down this week. The kind of down that you can't pinpoint the cause, you're just exhausted and drained.

I'm much better now and it really was just a dark cloud but it's hard to write in that space - you'd think not but the creativity dwindles and self pity sets in.

I really need a healing weekend. Maybe with a fresh canvas and some paints. Oh, on the note of painting - "Art Sauce" on Roeland St is amaaaazing. Buy all my birthday presents there please!!!

I suppose it is ok that I missed a few posts and I will catch them up. I'm not sure that I'm going to launch a new 100 day challenge on Saturday... a photography one on instagram maybe?

I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow... I need it.

Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Searching : Day 16 #100daysofwriting

I look for you
In memories
In dreams
In dangerous ally ways of my mind
You haunt
You tease
You descend
Only to leave

I thought tonight
As I drove through
Darkened suburbs
Lazy love songs in my ears
I thought I saw you
A glimpse of you
In the distance
You languished
Lazy in the doorway
Of a 24 hour Pick 'n Pay
I searched the aisles
Grabbing at clues
Pieces of you
Humdrum demands
Still pounding in my head
Buzzing on my phone
I left clutching my clues

Back in the road
You promise to meet me at home
I search for you
But neighbours shout
And you flee
I'm left with my melting clue
My ice cream
And a packet of biscuits

**** I feel the poem ends here but I still want to explain - I'm in need of rest, relief, happiness, peace. I'm exhausted and run down. I'm emotionally low. I feel like I'm searching for my happy. That's what this poem is about. Feeling lost.

A Sorta Fairytale #100creativedays Day 79

I’m writing a late post, yesterday after not sleeping a wink on Wednesday night, my only priority was sleep once I got home from work.

Weirdly that wasn’t to be and This Guy came over to talk, I suppose on my request. A half desperate request. This Guy is my ex, my friend, my kryptonite… who knows. I said I wanted to be his good friend, but I guess it was a lie. I wanted him to choose me. He didn’t, and I was very angry. Anger is horrible, it twists everything, and I get mean. I’m not as mean as I used to be, before I got sober and started working the steps, but I still have a mean streak.

In a weird twist, the one he chose apparently read my whole blog. It’s scary. In a way. So, Dear One-He-Chose, I’m sorry for getting angry. I really don’t want to be angry. Treat him well, he’s rather sweet.

So, yeah, he came over so we could get closure. In my half drugged sleepy state I think I got closure. I swear when he rang the bell I was dreaming of The K2 Twins… google it… nom. Anyway, closure. Means closing the door really, doesn’t it?

Now, my title… the title of a Tori Amos song – of course. I keep wanting a fairytale romance, right? We all want that. But we forgot about the other people in the story… maybe in this story I’m the ugly sister? The witch who got shoved in the oven? Time to close the book and find my own story?

Ok, I’ve waffled. Not sure of the point of this post. I’m sorry, ok? Let’s just listen to the song, it might be a bit more revealing than I’d like…

“and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you”
- Tori Amos "A Sorta Fairytale"

What am I supposed to do? #100creativedays Day 78

"Things aren't like the movies
My hero got lost
There are no flowers
No free cars
Just debt
And heartache
And wait your turn

I know I should
Just buck up
Shut up
Wake up

Stop dreaming
Stop caring
Stop sharing

Can you believe
How I bleed across
These keys
Across the world

Seriously now
Seriously
When did the magic die?"

Sharon Paine 09.07.14

A very very sad, hurting, crying girl

Sick Theme #100creativedays Day 50 - 52

I've been so ill the last few days, so this is a catch up.

I really don't see myself churning out three great posts. My mind is full of cotton wool and tummy cramps.

I seem to get sick often these days. Am I more stressed without alcohol to numb everything? Is dealing with real life too much for me? Am I poisoned by a broken heart? Or are germs just rampant in the office?

I do feel overwhelmed with working the steps, church commitments, work and general home life. I'm budgeting like crazy but feel very broke for now. This car situation knocked me.

My heart is broken over a friend being totally manipulated by a new lover. She is so jealous and insecure that she is cutting him off from his friends. I guess there's nothing we can do other than respect his decision.

I need a plan, I need to enforce bedtimes and yoga time. I need boundaries I guess. I'm letting things fill my time and I'm suffering.

I will report back.

Sorry for missing posts! I will have to take some photos this weekend to plump up the blog.

Xxx

A dreadfully boring post #100creativedays Day 20

"I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories… water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."
- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

I've had a weird virus since Saturday, it's so extremely boring, this is the second time I've caught it this year. It's like flu, without the snot... So it's just nausea, dizziness, headache, aches and weakness. Am I the only person who prefers illness with snot or vomit? Anyway, this isn't about my virus.

Being stuck in bed, with so little energy that my heart pounds when I walk to the bathroom, has made me grumpy, complacent and down-right selfish. I feel let down by my body. I feel so irrational in my expectations of myself, of other people. Like a Prince Charming will come and make me feel loved and happy? That someone will turn up with flowers and soup? That I am surely wasting away in my bed. Then I start thinking about all the things I want to do, all the things I haven't done, that my life is empty and boring. Why do I feel so bored? It is because I physically can't do much now? I'm such a drama queen...

Ok, post over... I'll try be more fun tomorrow. Sick days are just very lonely :(

I thought of you #100creativedays Day 12

I thought of you
As water burnt into broken skin
As I breathed in steam
I dreamt of you last night
The only reason that you’re on my mind?
Or is it?

Things fell apart today
As rain clambered against my windscreen
As I stifled secret screams
I wished you could save me
The only reason that you’re on my mind?
Or is it?

Doubled over in pain
As water burnt into broken skin
As I breathed in steam
As I stifled secret screams
As things fell apart
I thought of you

Sharon Paine 04/05/2014

 

Because the song is so very sad.

Maybe this is romantic drivel… a little, too late.
Who knows?
My brain is insane. I don’t need to deny it.

Once upon a time,
While I still had braces on my teeth and stars in my eyes
And my heart was whole,
A boy made me a mix tape.

On that mixtape was the song
“Lovesong”
by The Cure.

 I thought it was the saddest song in the world.
Maybe the jaded heart of that seventeen year old boy knew
Knew that one day I would weep
Weep because things aren’t the same.
Because the song is so very sad.


The song has also been covered by Adele and Jes... both great covers.

A mess he don't wanna clean up

 

This has been a special song to me since it was released... I've often felt like a mess that no one wants to deal with... The lyrics resonate so much with me.

"I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that"

 "Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold"

"And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope"

 "I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'"

I've been moody, sensitive, crazy for as long as I can remember. I take pills for that... but sometimes they don't hold back the crazy. Like when I'm tired, or stressed... or the PMS monster takes over. Gosh, I really feel like a different person in my misery.

I think I should just listen to Fiona Apple for the rest of the day... she understands.

Can I take it all?

Complacency

Why, with so many great things happening in my life - health, love and blessings - do I feel so awfully complacent?

I'm getting that bell jar feeling again.... I want to scream. PMS and too much winter? I've got a week of leave coming up, maybe I'll figure it out... maybe I'm just spoilt?

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Sane People Also Talk to Themselves? Right?

I’ve been moody lately… so I have to analyse and ask myself questions that I dread:

Do you need to up your dose?

Please no…. it’s expensive and I’m afraid that I will just keep upping and upping – it will never stop.

Do you need to go back to therapy?

Please no, I do, but it’s expensive… work has a service… but what if they say I’m not ok and send me to the loony bin? No, no.

Are you lacking vitamins on your diet?

Maybe… but, but…. I’m trying! Surely they can’t make that much difference?

Carbs make you happy… are you lacking carbs?

Carbs make me fat!!! NO NO NO

Are you exercising?

Er…. I try. But not really.

Are you happy?

What do you think??? Most of the time, but I’m miserable and lost now.

WHY?

I’m scared and I got all angry and made things worse….

SO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?

 

 

A fear of happiness?

 

My parents are very wise, and I was in distress yesterday. There is something wrong with me; I harpoon my own love life… like seriously. I don’t know how I’m wired, I can be an awesome friend… but add a romance angle to that and I’m a spoilt toddler. I stamp my little feet, I whine, and I say the most horrid things. I've totally messed up.

Dad asked me if I was afraid of being happy, if I thought that I didn’t deserve it. I had to nod. I feel happy, I feel loved… but then I get afraid that it will be taken away from me and I shove it away before the bottom can fall out of my dreams.

I get very possessive; I’m possessive over certain friends, to a point where I can practically hear myself hiss at anyone I see as a threat. I’m petrified of being rejected. My best friend broke up with me when we were 13… said I was clingy. I probably was… am I like that now? Surely I’m a grown up now? Surely I can let it go? 

I’m working so hard to change my view of myself. My body has changed, my mind is still changing.  I’m trying to see myself like God sees me, like other people see me, like I really am. I don’t think that my self-image matches the reality. I’d like to think that I’m not mean and moody all the time. That I deserve love. I have so much love to give… I need to shove it forward, and calm the hell down.

That said, I think I’ve totally blown it…. I want to scream and scream.

I don't know what I'm doing....

 

 

 

 

Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four: