Real? Day 20 #100daysofwriting

I actually hit something with my car tonight. I keep writing about it and deleting it. It was small, like smaller than a cat. It appeared to be oval and black. It darted in front of me, I heard a thump and then nothing. I drove up and down, peering into the dark rain for the body; but nothing.

Did it dart? Or did it blow? Was it even an animal? Was it nothing?

I felt bad. A police van drove past with sirens wailing while I drove slowly down the road. I felt like I'd committed a crime.
I wish I didn't feel so awful. If I'd found a pet I was fully prepared to take it to the vet. I'd imagined the plastic bags, the apologies. I tried to do right. But what if I did no wrong in the first place?

I really should sleep.

Guilt Trip : Day 13 #100daysofwriting

The sniffles defeated me and I couldn't conceive of leaving my bed. I answered some mails and delegated some tasks, but I mostly slept today. I'm pretty sure that the point of a sick day is to sleep. So why do I feel so guilty?

Why?

I've also sworn to be back in the office tomorrow, guns blazing.

What am I trying to prove?

I still haven't made a move on any freelance writing. I feel frozen to the spot. Paralysed by self doubt. Did I see a sick day as an opportunity to start? I slept, I barely had enough concentration to watch a whole episode of series. Why am I beating myself up for resting when I clearly need it?

I suppose all I can recognise is that I'm a rather silly human, and go to sleep again.

Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four: