Headspace : Day 42 #100daysofwriting

I'm in a weird headspace. Picture me weeping over a sitcom where a girl gives her baby up for adoption. Shaking with tears.

I packed too much into my evening last night and lay awake for hours. Feel like tonight could go the same way. Or not. I'm so sleepy and really don't want to write a post. I know I'm actually just afraid that I might start to unpack some of the things that are on my mind. Things that keep me up at night aren't easy to discuss. My head is a jumble of stuff - not all of it even my stuff.

I'm just going to try to sleep now.

peace x

Guilt Trip : Day 13 #100daysofwriting

The sniffles defeated me and I couldn't conceive of leaving my bed. I answered some mails and delegated some tasks, but I mostly slept today. I'm pretty sure that the point of a sick day is to sleep. So why do I feel so guilty?

Why?

I've also sworn to be back in the office tomorrow, guns blazing.

What am I trying to prove?

I still haven't made a move on any freelance writing. I feel frozen to the spot. Paralysed by self doubt. Did I see a sick day as an opportunity to start? I slept, I barely had enough concentration to watch a whole episode of series. Why am I beating myself up for resting when I clearly need it?

I suppose all I can recognise is that I'm a rather silly human, and go to sleep again.

Fighting Dragons

I took 2 days off work last week, combined with a public holiday and the weekend; this was five glorious days away from work. I don’t really know what has been going on in my head, but some of my negative feelings were coming back, I felt inadequate and as if I was drowning. I started to cling to my bed in the way I used to, wanting to hide, my body ached. I didn’t want to be sliding down this path again. I told myself that I was putting too much pressure on myself, friends told me too – but I didn’t really help or change anything.

 On the first day of my leave, on the way to the beach, I got a call from my assistant – someone wanted to meet with me, they wanted something from us, but couldn’t give us proper details, and I had to meet them on Monday, quite a drive outside of town. The underlining vibe was that this was important, from the top down…. I was petrified; I didn’t know how to prepare…. I threw up last night. Something was so scary about this meeting. It had been looming in the back of my mind for my whole mini break, stabbing at my tense shoulders (my shoulder muscles really crunched up in the accident)… how absolutely lame is that???

 I wrote on Facebook this morning that I felt like a five year old being sent to slay a dragon – the dragon being this meeting, the scary scary meeting. I arrived at work and then found out that the “Dragon Battle” was only scheduled for Tuesday morning. This gave me some time to prepare. I could mail the Dragon and ask what he wanted…. Longish story short, I didn’t have what he wanted, and my superiors told me I was wasting my time, so I managed to delegate the fight to a better equipped knight, so to speak.

WOW – the relief that ran through me – I felt alive. I got a ton of work done, started delegating more away from myself, bouncing questions back at difficult people…. I had the power back. I had got someone else to slay the dragon for me. Why did I worry so much?

This made me think about the pressure I put myself under. To be perfect, in everything – focusing on the things I’m not, instead of what I am – a funny, loving, creative girl! Yes, I’m really FULL of all three of those. Full to bursting.

I was also reminded of a Quite Time from my “Women’s Study Bible” – yes, and it’s PINK. There is a track, as they call it, entitled “You Don’t Kill a Giant Every Day”. Revolutionary stuff I tell you. The reading covers 1 Samuel 21:1-15 – they story of how David hides from Saul. This is the David of “David and Goliath”, who a mere 4 chapters before had slain a GIANT, he not only hid in the face of danger in this chapter, but in verse 12-13:

“David heard these comments and was afraid of what King Achish might do to him. So he pretended to be insane, scratching on doors and drooling down his beard”

Excuse me while I feel better about any time I’ve had a little cry in the loo at work! The point is, we aren’t always brave, and that’s ok – all over the Bible it talks of God fighting for us.

I don’t often talk about my faith on this blog, and I should. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through half the dramas in my life without God.