Not Perfect : Day 99 #100daysofwriting

Vegging on a couch, babysitting and trying not to dwell on the fact that I've avoided posting all week. My weekend was amazing but I've been pretty down this week. The kind of down that you can't pinpoint the cause, you're just exhausted and drained.

I'm much better now and it really was just a dark cloud but it's hard to write in that space - you'd think not but the creativity dwindles and self pity sets in.

I really need a healing weekend. Maybe with a fresh canvas and some paints. Oh, on the note of painting - "Art Sauce" on Roeland St is amaaaazing. Buy all my birthday presents there please!!!

I suppose it is ok that I missed a few posts and I will catch them up. I'm not sure that I'm going to launch a new 100 day challenge on Saturday... a photography one on instagram maybe?

I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow... I need it.

More Labels? : Day 77 #100daysofwriting



This little gem from Pinterest sums me up pretty well. I've always struggled with the introvert vs extrovert label. I've identified as shy and introverted, while most people experience me as open and extroverted. 

There is a big difference between having the confidence to share a view in a meeting or with close friends. Either I'm on stage or I'm in a place of no judgement. 

Drinking helped with the facade of loud mouth party girl but inside I was dying for attention and affirmation, or chasing oblivion from my emotions. Obviously it didn't work.

Like a little girl showing off I crave attention and affirmation - so maybe that's where the false bravo came in, even when I was little and sober.

I've battled with social anxiety for years, a diagnosis of depression and my recent sobriety do nothing to ease the panic when I'm in a room full of strangers. I don't even know if people realise. I hate small talk and that's probably why I come across as either aloof or way too open.

As I learn to be happy in my open company, I'm a bit afraid that I'm becoming withdrawn. Truth is I'm focussing my attention on things that matter to me. To build deep friendships where very personal conversations are appropriate. Where I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.

So maybe I'm an introvert... leave me alone now.

Happiness ; Day 66 #100daysofwriting

On Saturday night, sandwiched between two lovely friends and a cat too, I watched "Hector and the Search for Happiness" - it's a movie, it is life changing. The whole scenario made me pretty happy (and warm). Oh, "Hector" is based on the book by Francois Lelord - which I hope to read in the next few months (feel free to mail me a Takelot voucher....)               
              

Happiness really does seem to be something that we all want, but rarely find - probably because we are greedy and don't recognise it for what it is. I think of happiness as rather a sense of contentment, acceptance of life and it's circumstances. Am I a happy person? Yes, I actually think that I am. I do also live with depression, but as you should know, depression doesn't actually mean sad. And I suppose that happy doesn't actually mean never sad? Is this getting philosophical?

 

I've been very stressed and under pressure with work. I've been run down. BUT I'm not actually unhappy, I am tired and achy, not sad or dissatisfied.

 

Strangely with "happiness" on my mind the last few days, I came across this Brain & Heart cartoon. It really clicked for me - that most of the time we are literally afraid of being happy. Why do we want to deny ourselves happiness? It's not a hedonistic pursuit, it's pure. I've included Hector's findings below too.

 

Go, be happy xoxo

 

Heartbreak : Day 68 #100daysofwriting

"Creativity is so delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud."
                         —Alex Osborn

I've been absorbing so much sadness and feeling so low that I am struggling to keep up with this challenge. I'm burnt out and I am afraid. On the surface I'm just hanging in there but today I feel like I can't breathe. This isn't a cry for help, probably just a declaration of my fragile state of mind.

I feel like I'm disconnected from truth and joy - somehow lost a little on my journey. I will be ok though and I know exactly what I want to write about on my two "missing posts". I just need to rise above the dark fog. Even writing now makes me feel a little lighter.

I suppose life is full of ups and downs, and it's ok to be down, especially when sad things happen around you, when you feel overwhelmed and when you make mistakes. I will be ok. You will be ok. We will all be ok.

Should I?

“You said you would, so really you should,”
 “I should? I should? Why should I do anything?”
 

There’s an exhaustion in my bones. Sometimes I just lie on my bed feeling like I can’t move, but then I get up, and do something big. Big like cooking a ton of food to freeze. Is it a bizarre type of laziness? Being prepared?
 

I feel inspired to write at the most inappropriate times and sometimes consider carrying a little tape recorder around with me so I can dictate my thoughts as I drive. I suppose my phone would suffice. But I don’t and my thoughts often just float away. My creative being is sort of squatting inside me as I get on with the shoulds, until creativity becomes a should, a something to be scheduled and controlled.
 

As I sit on my bed, with a newly discovered cover of “Black Hole Sun” on repeat, I’m tempted to grab a canvas and just drag paint covered hands across it. I want to attack a canvas. I want to lean off the balcony and give out a primal scream. I want the parts of me to realign. I’m even sure that I knew that I was out of line until I typed it right now. I’ve been describing my mood as lonely-antisocial all day – weird, I know that I’m actually just on a depressed wave. A weird limbo of needing rescue without being able to shout loud enough for it. But no means do I need people to phone me or rush over to my flat. I’d love it if someone abandoned a tub of ice-cream on my welcome mat. If someone drove me through the drive thru for a MacFlurry and then dropped me at home. I think I’m also feeling financial strain – I get down when I feel like all my money is for petrol. Food is a drug, spending money is a drug; spending money on junk food is the ultimate relapse… or the closest to a relapse that I could allow. If I had wine, and technically I do, would I drink it? No. Smoking has never been my thing so sinking back into a smoky cloud of herbs doesn’t appeal. I don’t feel like acting whole with a lipstick smile while I pull my tummy in… so I can’t be bothered to indulge my sycophantic needs in the company of men. I feel too selfish to listen to stories about anyone else’s life so that rules out the rest of humankind. So this leaves food and money, and we’ve established those are a no go. So I’m a junkie without a fix.
 

So I’m a junkie without a fix. And in this moment I feel relief. I’m a junkie without a fix.
 

With a wry smile, I remember why I love to write, it's like an emotional purge, and now I can get on with my life.

Sometimes I need a gentle reminder

I'm quite determined to get on top of the dark cloud that's been looming over my head. I'm looking at my priorities, the things that worry me, and solutions.

I'm trying to do the simple things, like making an appointment with my physio, writing all the good and bad down on paper so I can sort through my thoughts, reading positive literature and following my heart.

I will not be a victim.

Flexing My Emotional Muscles

I woke up much stronger, sleep deprived, but strong...

I'm sharing my vintage-nature-inspired-motivations with you.

Much love, happiness and joy dear reader

A mess he don't wanna clean up

 

This has been a special song to me since it was released... I've often felt like a mess that no one wants to deal with... The lyrics resonate so much with me.

"I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that"

 "Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold"

"And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope"

 "I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'"

I've been moody, sensitive, crazy for as long as I can remember. I take pills for that... but sometimes they don't hold back the crazy. Like when I'm tired, or stressed... or the PMS monster takes over. Gosh, I really feel like a different person in my misery.

I think I should just listen to Fiona Apple for the rest of the day... she understands.

Where To Begin?

So? Where to begin?

 

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m on day 13 of 20mg of Citraz – it can take up to 6 weeks… 42 days… to level out after an increase in dosage. I had to admit defeat; I had to admit that I wasn’t coping on 15mg anymore. I think I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not a failure for needing more chemical help; I’m a winner to be managing my depression.

 

I have been sober for 18 days. And I’m serious this time around. I didn’t manage to have a whole sober September. I “cheated” for a fancy dinner on the 18^th of September and then just carried on cheating. I don’t remember if I drank every day, probably not. I definitely had too much to drink at the fancy dinner, and then on a few occasions after that. I pulled a real horrid move and passed out at Rocking The Daisies (a music festival)… I managed to vomit on my gorgeous new boyfriend. By some miracle, he is still my boyfriend. I promised him that I wouldn’t drink for the rest of 2013. I told my psychiatrist that I’d stop for 6 months and then reassess. Then I went to a support meeting and had to admit that I was out of control. It would be an insult to myself and the whole program to call this a temporary fix. I have to do this.

 

Nobody wants to tell me I have a problem to my face. But then again nobody wanted to call me fat 5 months ago either… I am not in control; I’ve been numbing my depression and all the insecurities that come with it, with alcohol. Self-medicating they call it.

 

So I’ve had enough of that life – I’ve been sober for 18 days. I have support and I’m making changes. It’s not a very comfortable place to be in emotionally, along with adapting to a new dosage and my famous PMS.

 

My weight has stabilised at 68kg – making it a solid 15kg lost. When my body feels stronger (I’ve felt rather run down and fluey lately) I will resume my exercise regime.  I’ve been eating carbs and little treats every so often, but primarily still following Dukan.

 

As will many of my posts, I may have been too honest, too open. I ask for your support and respect.

Spread some love...

 

Just sharing some love while my heart is glad.

I've been mood swinging all over the place. I haven't had the chance, or I suppose energy to commit anything to writing, I think I was afraid of emotionally vomitting over everyone. I feel strong today, so I will make some time this evening to update you, cross my heart.

Can I take it all?

Come on... get positive

I'm in a negative funk again... I'm trying... seriously...

Back in the saddle... so to speak

I’m sorry if I upset you over the last few days, I’m ok, the clouds are clearing and I’m feeling more positive. I just had to be reminded of some truths and had to make some changes.

I’ve sought the counsel of some wise women in my life, turned to the Bible and commentaries – Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” and Tim Keller’s “The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness”. Things make more sense in my head. I ran and ran until the good chemicals flooded my brain (5km!) and I decided to stop beating myself up. I feel bad about taking my frustrations and pain out on other people, but I can’t keep flagellating to win their trust and forgiveness… it holds me back. I am not my mistakes, I am not my sins, I am human and I am broken.

As way of report back, I’ve lost just over 14kg to date, and instead of Sober October, I’m having a Sober September. The timing is right given my push to lose the last 6kg and also given my state of mind of late. Alcohol numbs, but it can also magnify the negative thoughts. I need to use other things to help me, good positive things.

I am very honest in this blog, and I hope you will respect me for that. I write so I can get it out, so people will know where I’m at, and also, maybe, someone out there feels the way I do sometimes and my honesty will help them feel less alone.

I don't always feel sad, I'm very self-aware and constantly trying to fight the negative thoughts. Don't worry about me, just love me and trust that I will be ok. Thanks for the love and support.

Here’s to the future – happiness & health

Sane People Also Talk to Themselves? Right?

I’ve been moody lately… so I have to analyse and ask myself questions that I dread:

Do you need to up your dose?

Please no…. it’s expensive and I’m afraid that I will just keep upping and upping – it will never stop.

Do you need to go back to therapy?

Please no, I do, but it’s expensive… work has a service… but what if they say I’m not ok and send me to the loony bin? No, no.

Are you lacking vitamins on your diet?

Maybe… but, but…. I’m trying! Surely they can’t make that much difference?

Carbs make you happy… are you lacking carbs?

Carbs make me fat!!! NO NO NO

Are you exercising?

Er…. I try. But not really.

Are you happy?

What do you think??? Most of the time, but I’m miserable and lost now.

WHY?

I’m scared and I got all angry and made things worse….

SO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?

 

 

A fear of happiness?

 

My parents are very wise, and I was in distress yesterday. There is something wrong with me; I harpoon my own love life… like seriously. I don’t know how I’m wired, I can be an awesome friend… but add a romance angle to that and I’m a spoilt toddler. I stamp my little feet, I whine, and I say the most horrid things. I've totally messed up.

Dad asked me if I was afraid of being happy, if I thought that I didn’t deserve it. I had to nod. I feel happy, I feel loved… but then I get afraid that it will be taken away from me and I shove it away before the bottom can fall out of my dreams.

I get very possessive; I’m possessive over certain friends, to a point where I can practically hear myself hiss at anyone I see as a threat. I’m petrified of being rejected. My best friend broke up with me when we were 13… said I was clingy. I probably was… am I like that now? Surely I’m a grown up now? Surely I can let it go? 

I’m working so hard to change my view of myself. My body has changed, my mind is still changing.  I’m trying to see myself like God sees me, like other people see me, like I really am. I don’t think that my self-image matches the reality. I’d like to think that I’m not mean and moody all the time. That I deserve love. I have so much love to give… I need to shove it forward, and calm the hell down.

That said, I think I’ve totally blown it…. I want to scream and scream.

I don't know what I'm doing....

 

 

 

 

Something Fishy Is Going On....

Wow, it’s been a whole week since I wrote a post? Last Monday I was so emotional and overwrought. I wrote a poem for goodness sake… I don’t write poetry… except weird five liners like:

Claire, Claire
It isn’t fair
You have straight hair
Do you even care
That I look like a bear?

Anyway, after feeling physically weak and horrid on top of being totes emosh… I took a look at my eating habits. Dukan is great, they list all kinds of seafood, which is great for getting your omegas in… except if you barely eat fish… because you can’t have the tartar sauce or crumbs. Omega oils are very important for mood, especially for someone managing depression. Omega oils are great for your skin… I have been BATTLING with eczema. And I don’t get eczema, I’m not that person… however I’ve had to avoid deodorant, try all kinds of remedies… with very little luck. Maybe it’s the oil? Maybe it’s the salt water I’ve been washing with (armpits being the HUGE issue for the last two weeks) – I’m almost healed, in the last two days.

I’m also feeling really strong now; I managed to climb Lion’s Head with relative ease yesterday – although I’ve been hobbling all day. To put it in context of how rarely I hike these days – anyone that asked assumed I was hobbling today because my skinny jeans were too tight! 

I will love and leave you now, promising to write. A very good looking and amazing fan recently said to me: “I’m glad that you posted this week, even if it was all emo” – so here’s to perkier posts in the future!

EAT FISH!

Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four:

We Can Dukan!

I've googled every possible thing to convince myself that Dukan is ok for me, maybe I've been looking for an excuse?

But it seems:
- I can stick to plan while I recover from having my wisdom teeth out (in a few weeks time)
- Low carb is often advised for depression
- Low carb is good for IBS
- IT WORKS

I found this blog: http://southafricandukan.wordpress.com/
While it only has a few things on it, I like the motivational posters and SA retailer specific products.

Brother and I planned a few meals already, and cleared the fridge of "offending" products... fortunately we didn't have much in the way of "illegal" foods - about 100ml of fruity yoghurt, half a carton of fruit juice, left over low fat custard, and seeing as neither of us had managed to have dinner last night, it didn't seem criminal to have "fairly" healthy snacks (yes, yes the sugar.... but it's not PIZZA).

We will start tomorrow with eggs and yoghurt for breakfast. I'm planning grilled chicken breasts stuffed with cottage cheese and ham for lunch (yeah.... does sound AMAZING). I'm going to attempt to make galettes for dinner, maybe with cottage cheese and tuna.

Recipe for galette HERE. It's an oat bran based pancake. We need to consume 1.5 tablespoons of oat bran per day... so seems a great way to consume it!

Feeling pretty positive and pumped now. And yes, I will have pizza and wine tonight.... last supper, as it were....

Then, to focus on my new mantra:

PS: I did yoga last night, I am amazing

What's depression like?

FIRST DAY OF THE BIG PROMOTION

 

 

So, I officially got the promotion about 6 weeks ago, and have already been "doing" large chunks of the job, but today it is OFFICIAL. I feel so happy, excited, grown-up and bloody important... watch me strut.... look at my crown :)

 

It's a big achievement actually, just short of 3 years ago, I had a break down of sorts, after about 6 month to a year of slowing sliding into a deep depression. My work was suffering, my life was suffering. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I hated my job.

 

I remember getting on me knees at the Easter service that year and begging God to rescue me. I promised to do whatever it took, whatever God needed of me, I just needed my life to change.

 

This came in the shape of a weeping breakdown at work, my very considerate boss suggested a change of position - a demotion of sorts, but without a pay cut. I was so grateful, and through tears agreed. Over the next 2 months I worked so hard, both at home and at work. Personally I returned to therapy, started my meds again - with a lot of help from my friends, one in particular who urged me to push through when the meds made me constantly nauseous - asking me if deep despair was preferable to nausea. The handover of position took 2 months, I had to do a lot to basically sort out the mess of samples and notes that I understood but that wasn't ok to leave someone with.

 

It was the best thing that could have ever happened.

 

Over the last 3 years, I've been nestled in a supportive department, with incredible mentors. I've mentioned the coaching from last year in previous posts. I am strong now, and confident. And I have my old position back, in a way, but it's SO MUCH BIGGER NOW!

 

Here's to the future :)