Hoping...

Bury

People bury treasures. People bury hurts.

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned"
- Bastille

Its not easy to squash down emotions without alcohol. I've spent the last 10 and a half months feeling raw. Its hard to keep things buried and it seems like everything I've ever buried is forcing its way out of the ground.

I feel so vulnerable and like so many things and people have the power to hurt me. Especially those people who actually know what is going on with me. Does that seem fair? To be beaten up over and over by people who actually know.

I'm clinging to the people who love me, and to the love and grace that God promises. I know I can weather this storm longer.

If it's within you, pray for me please.

Hope Springs

I think I've identified the glaring imbalance in my life... Something I've battled to find contentment in, but tried to because of a weird obligation. Obligation is so tightly wound up with guilt and really just becomes a smothering cage for the creative soul.

More about that IF the steps I take over the next week "work", otherwise I'm praying for an attitude adjustment... Because the lack of joy is poisoning my life, my relationships and my body.

I'm thankful for peace as I lie in bed... Maybe my flowering season is just around the corner? Either way, I'm determined to battle this next dragon, I'm becoming quite a slayer ;)

Where To Begin?

So? Where to begin?

 

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m on day 13 of 20mg of Citraz – it can take up to 6 weeks… 42 days… to level out after an increase in dosage. I had to admit defeat; I had to admit that I wasn’t coping on 15mg anymore. I think I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not a failure for needing more chemical help; I’m a winner to be managing my depression.

 

I have been sober for 18 days. And I’m serious this time around. I didn’t manage to have a whole sober September. I “cheated” for a fancy dinner on the 18^th of September and then just carried on cheating. I don’t remember if I drank every day, probably not. I definitely had too much to drink at the fancy dinner, and then on a few occasions after that. I pulled a real horrid move and passed out at Rocking The Daisies (a music festival)… I managed to vomit on my gorgeous new boyfriend. By some miracle, he is still my boyfriend. I promised him that I wouldn’t drink for the rest of 2013. I told my psychiatrist that I’d stop for 6 months and then reassess. Then I went to a support meeting and had to admit that I was out of control. It would be an insult to myself and the whole program to call this a temporary fix. I have to do this.

 

Nobody wants to tell me I have a problem to my face. But then again nobody wanted to call me fat 5 months ago either… I am not in control; I’ve been numbing my depression and all the insecurities that come with it, with alcohol. Self-medicating they call it.

 

So I’ve had enough of that life – I’ve been sober for 18 days. I have support and I’m making changes. It’s not a very comfortable place to be in emotionally, along with adapting to a new dosage and my famous PMS.

 

My weight has stabilised at 68kg – making it a solid 15kg lost. When my body feels stronger (I’ve felt rather run down and fluey lately) I will resume my exercise regime.  I’ve been eating carbs and little treats every so often, but primarily still following Dukan.

 

As will many of my posts, I may have been too honest, too open. I ask for your support and respect.