Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Searching : Day 16 #100daysofwriting

I look for you
In memories
In dreams
In dangerous ally ways of my mind
You haunt
You tease
You descend
Only to leave

I thought tonight
As I drove through
Darkened suburbs
Lazy love songs in my ears
I thought I saw you
A glimpse of you
In the distance
You languished
Lazy in the doorway
Of a 24 hour Pick 'n Pay
I searched the aisles
Grabbing at clues
Pieces of you
Humdrum demands
Still pounding in my head
Buzzing on my phone
I left clutching my clues

Back in the road
You promise to meet me at home
I search for you
But neighbours shout
And you flee
I'm left with my melting clue
My ice cream
And a packet of biscuits

**** I feel the poem ends here but I still want to explain - I'm in need of rest, relief, happiness, peace. I'm exhausted and run down. I'm emotionally low. I feel like I'm searching for my happy. That's what this poem is about. Feeling lost.

Write Stuff : Day 9 #100daysofwriting

I really enjoy writing and it helps me to unload all of the feelings that crash around inside me. Writing makes the feelings line up neatly like the disruptive school children that they are. I like to think of my emotions, character defects, my habits - call them what you will - as little creatures who follow me around. Personifying them makes it easier for me to dimiss them, uninvite them from parties and meetings, and to put them in their place.

This said, I also get anxious about writing. Sure, writing free flowing thought is basic enough, but I want to try my hand at paid writing. Frankly, it all feels daunting! I suppose it is self doubt and my need for affirmation. But then again I realise that potential criticism and feedback will only work towards helping me to improve and hone my skills. I need to quiet the nagging inner voice that claims that I can't write. Look! Words in a line - I just wrote!

I suppose a level of fear is ok when something is important?

In the words of James Thurber: 

"Don't get it right, get it written."

Vents don't only let the fresh air in... Day 7 #100daysofwriting

At the absolute risk of moaning for a few paragraphs... I'm tired and my stomach feels insanely unhappy. I really don't know why, nor is calling in sick tomorrow even remotely possible - I sense some "sucking it up" or positive thinking is needed.

I suffer with shoulder, neck and jaw tension - from stress, bad posture and general anxiety. I more easily admit to depressive episodes than my general, tightly wound, anxious state. It explains a lot of the drinking I've done in the past, the need for social lubrication and my more recent white-knuckle reaction to large social events.

I'm trying to stretch and exercise to help with the tension build up. I have a great physio, but releasing the knots every 6 weeks is not the long term solution. I'm not perfect and frankly exercise can add to tension. I did a few moves on the Powerplate last night and felt way too rattled around in the head.

I've been to a surgeon who says I grind my teeth at night, so now I wear a grind plate - think hockey gum guard on bottom teeth. It helps but can make me gag a little. It worked until I went on that bloody Powerplate - insert sad face.

So yes, I think I rattled myself on the Powerplate and now my head hurts too much, resulting in a rubbish tummy.

Time to sleep
xxx

Manic Monday....