Sometimes you just make friends with fear

What is normal? What is ok?

I totally beat myself up over my apparent failures in life. It’s like a bizarre internal battle ala Sia’s new Elastic Heart video (which I’m obsessed with, both song and video).

I’ve learnt in recovery that pretty much everyone battles not to be totally driven by the fear of not being good enough. A perfect body doesn’t mean that you are capable of a healthy relationship with another person, that you won’t be lonely. You can study and study, yet still not understand a billion things. You can be the most incredible artist or dancer, and someone will criticize your art.

Gosh look at the word criticize… say it, let it roll around your mouth for a moment. Critter-size? Criticize me and reduce me to the size of a bug you can squish under your cracked heels. Oops did I just judge you back?

How did we get to the point where we find it ok to hurt each other? I’ve said it before, how every so often I look at my own hands, my arms, I feel my own pulse – blue and fragile beneath the skin of my wrist. You are exactly the same as me. You hurt inside too. You live on the same hairline tight rope. So why do we thrash at each other? Would I be happier alone here?

I’m not even thinking of a specific human. It flickers between boys who have broken my heart to car guards who make my blood boil to friends who have thrown their hands over their eyes and fled from me. Look at me, I’m all bruised too. Maybe if I acknowledge your bruises you will acknowledge mine? I’m sorry if I inflicted any of those horrible purple blemishes. I’m really sorry.

Addiction #100creativedays Day 32

I admit my addictive personality, I must say I always dismissed it as a concept because I didn't get into smoking or feel the need to try weed more than a few times. I was obviously blind to the real addictions that had already taken hold.

As with all addictions, mine centre on escaping situations and escaping my feelings, escaping my common sense, a longing for distraction, comfort and affirmation. I used to drink, like a lot, for all of the above reasons. I used to claim that I was just classy and appreciated wine... But I used to enjoy the oblivion I could achieve, the confidence I could fake. I used it to hide and to lie. Alcohol needed to be weeded right out of my garden in order for me to thrive spiritually, the lies were too much for me.

The other three addictions are the kind of things that need to be reined in, or they will destroy me. Food, men and shopping.

Food will not only make me fat, but ill if I abuse it. I get a very short lived comfort from carbs and chocolate. I mostly just feel ill.

Men. Well... Longing after the wrong ones, taking things said in anger to heart, putting too much value in the attention and affirmation of men. I find that without alcohol... I have very little tolerance of idiots... This doesn't bode well in dating.

Shopping... Well spending and spending on things is unhealthy. Cupboards full of clothes, the temporary high, the tokens of status. It's so empty. I've totally embraced budgeting and feel freedom already.

I feel off kilter, and my addict is needy today... I needed to just acknowledge in order to put her in her place. I ain't got the time for empty solutions... I'm going to face my dragons face on.

Xxx