Come on... get positive

I'm in a negative funk again... I'm trying... seriously...

Manic Monday....

Complacency

Why, with so many great things happening in my life - health, love and blessings - do I feel so awfully complacent?

I'm getting that bell jar feeling again.... I want to scream. PMS and too much winter? I've got a week of leave coming up, maybe I'll figure it out... maybe I'm just spoilt?

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Blog Suggestion - Zoella

I discovered Zoella while gratuitously watching Casper Lee videos... yeah... I know... dirty little pleasure. Gosh he's cute as a button...

Zoe of Zoella is gorgeous and funny in her Youtube videos, and she can write to boot! I checked out her blog and her post  "Why are you so skinny?" really got me thinking. People pass comment if they think that you are too thin, just as much as if they think you are fat - maybe even more so because being skinny is seen as being "aspirational". I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite by saying this, but can't we just be nice to each other? Maybe say "you look great" - leave it at that, although... I like being called skinny... gosh... it's not easy is it?

Give Zoe's post a read.

xxx

LUTL - Day 3 feedback

OH MY WORD.
The way to live under the line is definitely with CARBS.
We had samp and beans for dinner last night at Cell Group - I fell on my plate and declared it to be "THE BEST MEAL EVER" - hunger does that to you...

It really was an eye opener and I'm wondering about my food budget. Samp won't do me any favours in the carb avoidance, but it is VERY TASTY (maybe it's the butter? Which in my mind isn't optional) and affordable.

Here's the recipe, courtesy of Commongood Foundation

SAMP & BEANS
(Serves 10-12)

INGREDIENTS
1kg samp and bean mix (rinsed and soaked overnight)
2 onions, sliced
50ml butter (optional)
2ml nutmeg
2 cloves garlic, crushed (optional)
5ml allspice
Oil
Salt and pepper

METHOD
1. Pour off the water after soaking and place the samp and bean mix in a large saucepan
2. Cover with water and simmer slowly until the samp and beans are nearly soft and most of the water has evaporated (Add extra water if necessary and season well with salt)
3. In the meantime, sauté the onion and garlic in a little oil until soft
4. Add the cloves, allspice, and onion mixture and continue to simmer until the samp mix is completely soft
5. Season with nutmeg and black pepper and extra salt to taste if necessary
6. Stir in the butter and serve hot

We've come a long way kid...

 

As of this morning I'm 67.8kg - I really love "cracking" a weight - I don't mind hovering and fluctuating 200g, as long as the top number stays the same!

 

4 months ago I weighed between 83 and 84kg. My heaviest ever. Friends told me that I was beautiful and not fat... Love you all, but if I wasn't fat then, what am I now? Air?

 

It's almost painful to look at old photos, I know I need to do a "before and after" but keep putting it off for when I'm 63kg, so you'll wait, yes? Back to the old photos - I have struggled to love who I was 4 months ago, not to be disgusted - how awful is that? I should love that girl with my whole heart because she made the decision to TRY, to CHANGE. And flip... look where we are now? Under 5kg to go!!! I have butterflies in my tummy - I'm 75% of the way to my goal. I've lost 18% of my body weight. I should be proud of myself, right?

 

Here's to the last slog, thanks for the support - and if you're thinking that you're over due for a change, do it. It's not just about the weight, it's about your soul and mind. Food can't be your escape, your drug, your joy, your punishment. If I could do it, with the grace of God, then you can do it too.

 

xoxo

Some Love on a Wednesday Morning...

Embrace it darling...

 

 

LUTL - Into Day 2 - Not going well

This is horrid. I am so starving.
I miss food.
I want to stuff a whole pizza into my mouth.

On normal Dukan I don't really crave anything or feel hungry, it's a lovely balance. Starving makes me want to binge. I think this is the wonder of a healthy eating plan, you don't get food panic.

I felt very enlightened this morning... I don't now. How do hungry people get anything done? How do children learn? My body feels weak and my mind is cloudy. I know that if I'd spent my R30 on bread and peanut butter I'd probably feel better, but I decided that I couldn't do that to myself, however I keep fantasising about stuffing my face full of cheesy carbs on Thursday? It's so wrong. So very wrong.
I'm ashamed.
I feel out of my mind already....

Very watery veggie soup holds very little appeal... but I'm stealing sips....

More info on the event page https://www.facebook.com/events/341242766008713/

Live Under The Line - Day 1

 

Commonground Church launched their "Live Under The Line" challenge today. I had meant to blog earlier, but things have felt tumultuous of late.

I have quite a few things on my mind, pretty much relating to every facet of my life - its hard to juggle.

I'm also sober for September.

Now add the fact that for three days I need to live on R10 per day for food... And I'm no carbs, high protein...

Today I ate:
1 hard boiled egg
1 mini yoghurt
3 portions of super thin veg soup

I can't "afford" tea and can't take hand outs...

Today has been difficult! I've missed my tea, I've felt hungry 99% of the day, I've felt distracted and I have NO scope for comfort eating... None. Not even a nibble of ham.

I savoured that apricot yoghurt... Gosh thinking about it makes me hungry...

I've also felt very cold, probably because my body doesn't really have any fuel to burn...

I feel very spoilt to actually have a home to dash into out of the cold. A hot honey and almond oil bubble bath to warm me before I curl up under my blankets. The irony is not lost on me.

More info on the event page https://www.facebook.com/events/341242766008713/

my thought for the day

 

I put the quote and photo together - I'm going to try and do this more often...

Back in the saddle... so to speak

I’m sorry if I upset you over the last few days, I’m ok, the clouds are clearing and I’m feeling more positive. I just had to be reminded of some truths and had to make some changes.

I’ve sought the counsel of some wise women in my life, turned to the Bible and commentaries – Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” and Tim Keller’s “The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness”. Things make more sense in my head. I ran and ran until the good chemicals flooded my brain (5km!) and I decided to stop beating myself up. I feel bad about taking my frustrations and pain out on other people, but I can’t keep flagellating to win their trust and forgiveness… it holds me back. I am not my mistakes, I am not my sins, I am human and I am broken.

As way of report back, I’ve lost just over 14kg to date, and instead of Sober October, I’m having a Sober September. The timing is right given my push to lose the last 6kg and also given my state of mind of late. Alcohol numbs, but it can also magnify the negative thoughts. I need to use other things to help me, good positive things.

I am very honest in this blog, and I hope you will respect me for that. I write so I can get it out, so people will know where I’m at, and also, maybe, someone out there feels the way I do sometimes and my honesty will help them feel less alone.

I don't always feel sad, I'm very self-aware and constantly trying to fight the negative thoughts. Don't worry about me, just love me and trust that I will be ok. Thanks for the love and support.

Here’s to the future – happiness & health

Sane People Also Talk to Themselves? Right?

I’ve been moody lately… so I have to analyse and ask myself questions that I dread:

Do you need to up your dose?

Please no…. it’s expensive and I’m afraid that I will just keep upping and upping – it will never stop.

Do you need to go back to therapy?

Please no, I do, but it’s expensive… work has a service… but what if they say I’m not ok and send me to the loony bin? No, no.

Are you lacking vitamins on your diet?

Maybe… but, but…. I’m trying! Surely they can’t make that much difference?

Carbs make you happy… are you lacking carbs?

Carbs make me fat!!! NO NO NO

Are you exercising?

Er…. I try. But not really.

Are you happy?

What do you think??? Most of the time, but I’m miserable and lost now.

WHY?

I’m scared and I got all angry and made things worse….

SO WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?

 

 

A fear of happiness?

 

My parents are very wise, and I was in distress yesterday. There is something wrong with me; I harpoon my own love life… like seriously. I don’t know how I’m wired, I can be an awesome friend… but add a romance angle to that and I’m a spoilt toddler. I stamp my little feet, I whine, and I say the most horrid things. I've totally messed up.

Dad asked me if I was afraid of being happy, if I thought that I didn’t deserve it. I had to nod. I feel happy, I feel loved… but then I get afraid that it will be taken away from me and I shove it away before the bottom can fall out of my dreams.

I get very possessive; I’m possessive over certain friends, to a point where I can practically hear myself hiss at anyone I see as a threat. I’m petrified of being rejected. My best friend broke up with me when we were 13… said I was clingy. I probably was… am I like that now? Surely I’m a grown up now? Surely I can let it go? 

I’m working so hard to change my view of myself. My body has changed, my mind is still changing.  I’m trying to see myself like God sees me, like other people see me, like I really am. I don’t think that my self-image matches the reality. I’d like to think that I’m not mean and moody all the time. That I deserve love. I have so much love to give… I need to shove it forward, and calm the hell down.

That said, I think I’ve totally blown it…. I want to scream and scream.

I don't know what I'm doing....