Adequate ; Day 70 #100daysofwriting

I started off my day well, with some recovery and spiritual readings. A line from today's reading in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young really stuck with me.

"Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey."

Admittedly I didn't repeat it over and over in my head right through the day, but it did come to mind a few times. I don't think that I am the only person who felt a little bit inadequate today. We are under such pressure, in a world that really likes to bash what it hates without even noticing what is good. Heck, the industry that I'm in can get really hard-core judgy at times. Fortunately, I do seem to roll with the punches better these days. Or are people less critical? Or have a given then less of a gap to try to unravel me? Maybe all of the above. That said, I do doubt myself and criticise myself in some way every single day. I feel I should write it as EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Obviously my levels of confidence ebb and flow.

Can I break off on a tangent to wonder if ebbing is better than flowing? (let's ask Google) Ok, so do I want to be the tide going out or in? Never mind, they move, my moods and confidence levels move.

So, back to the reading. The bigger theme of the reading was trusting God to have your back right through the day. I know that I don't hand over stuff enough to God during the day, so I need to work on my trust. And what is adequate? Surely I've managed to get through my day if I've managed to eat, drink, walk and not destroy anything? Do I even want to be described as adequate? Do I want to rather "rock my day"? Maybe it feeds into the concept of "not good enough", being adequate means that you are good enough, maybe not excellent, but enough to be of value, or worth?

I'm really tired now. Off to sleep, I plan I be more than adequate tomorrow!

Bury

People bury treasures. People bury hurts.

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned"
- Bastille

Its not easy to squash down emotions without alcohol. I've spent the last 10 and a half months feeling raw. Its hard to keep things buried and it seems like everything I've ever buried is forcing its way out of the ground.

I feel so vulnerable and like so many things and people have the power to hurt me. Especially those people who actually know what is going on with me. Does that seem fair? To be beaten up over and over by people who actually know.

I'm clinging to the people who love me, and to the love and grace that God promises. I know I can weather this storm longer.

If it's within you, pray for me please.

Not So Fast! #100creativedays Day 91

Every so often my church has a time of fasting. I am always full of excuses about needing to eat because of my antidepressants and my unstable mood when hungry. This time the call seems to be more directed towards fasting from Social Media! Yes, probably a bigger pleasure for me than eating!

So from midnight tonight, until 18:30 tomorrow I will turn my data off my phone and practice restraint via computer. No blogs, no Facebook, no twitter, no instant messaging... You get the idea!

Work emails yes, gmail yes, SMS and phone yes. I was going to say no gmail but I'm in the middle of an insurance claim and it hardly feels gratuitous...

I'm also giving up tea... I may just go crazy... I'm seriously into tea.

The point of this is to sacrifice a pleasure that we depend on. As a church we want to reflect on the things we want to hand over to God. For me personally its an act of obedience and a sign of me putting my trust in God.

I've been struggling to hand all areas of my life over to God. The way I've thought and acted with regards to romantic relationships shows a massive struggle to have things my way, not God's way. I also need to trust God with my job and future. I need to trust in His provision, and worry less. I'm still struggling and see this mini fast as a gesture.

Fortunately the fast is only 18.5 hours, so expect feedback tomorrow evening :)

Deep Thoughts... #100creativedays Day 86

There is something mystic about a storm. Just think how destructive water and wind are... The way that nature totally humbles us. If you are reading this it is safe to assume that you, like me, have a warm and dry place to hide on a night like this.

I stumbled across the work of Seth Godin this evening. After reading a few quotes I already feel moved, I can't wait to lay my hands on one of his many books. Seth is an author, marketer, entrepreneur and speaker.

This particular quote shifted something in me:

" Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don't need to escape from." - Seth Godin

Yeah... How about that? Stop crawling towards home time and the weekend... What if you were just happy to be in every moment of your life?

I'm still trying to work it out. Right now I think trust in God and a genuine gratitude for all He does is where I'm going to start. Love people and seek to create beauty. I look forward to a time where I am just content in my life.

Xxx

"On the days that I talk to God" #100creativedays Day 48

"On the days that I talk to God"

I initially tried to dictate this post to my fancy new phone but perhaps my sleepy slurs or the white noise hum of the rain has effected the imp's hearing. (Reference to the cameras in Disc World)

Anyway, after dictating a few sentences, the phrase "On the days that I talk to God" jumped out at me. I hadn't said anything of the sort. Was this divine intervention asking me to pray more?
I do pray.
I'm supposed to do morning prayers as part of my recovery, I rarely do my set prayers. I treat prayer like rapid fire emails with little concern for etiquette.
Could I be receiving a message? I suppose where better to send me a message than on my phone? It is a bit weird.
I feel the urge to end this post here so I can go pray properly. I even bought a book months ago on a prayerful life. Watch this space, I'll send you a progress report.

Xxx

Insignificant? #100creativedays Day 11

"All that happens means something; nothing you do is ever insignificant." - Aldous Huxley

Sometimes I forget about the things I've achieved, the battles I've fought and the blessings I've received. This isn't supposed to be an emotional ramble, rather just a manifesto of sorts to remind myself that I do manage to be great, creative, loved and brave everyday. Every.Single.Day.

I was beating myself up about the weight I've put on over the last few weeks - too many good times, too much stress, too much temptation! The 18th of May marks a year since the Squire and I launched into our Dukan way of life, and I was lamenting the fact that I am not at my lowest weight. The Squire reminded me that I was still 10kgs lighter than a year ago!

I still feel like a hot stressful mess. I'm afraid of meeting new people and having to explain my sobriety... Close on 7 months of sobriety. I should be proud of myself, not afraid, I've been courageous and the whole thing is a huge testament to God's guidance in my life.

I sometimes feel lonely and long for the loves I've lost. I seem blind to the incredible love and support of friends and family at times. The utter devotion of my sweet Arizona, who right now is snuggled up against my leg on the couch.

Even with this challenge to "be creative" everyday for 100 days, I sell myself short and forget that writing is creative. That it is a gift, that some people can't even compose an sms, let alone write a paragraph. I forget because I just like writing. I forget that a lot of people are not open like I am. That I am brave, not stupid to open myself up. I am honest. I am not a victim.

I am grateful for the people in my life, the people who have crossed my path, all the experiences - even if I want to scrunch up my nose and discard certain experiences - I am grateful that nothing in my life is, nor am I, insignificant.

The Big Four Oh.

I am 40 days sober... probably the longest time without a drink since I turned 18... so in 13 years. Apparently I don't give myself enough kudos for what I achieve, and tend to beat myself up about not being perfect... exercise, money management, social life...

 

BUT

I have a healthy relationship with a GORGEOUS man.

I'm 40 days sober

I'm maintaining my weight

I'm getting my work done

Going to meetings

Loving God

and learning to be a better person

 

Lift a glass of Coke Zero in a toast to me ;)

 

xxx

Some Love on a Wednesday Morning...

Embrace it darling...

 

 

Best Intentions

A very wise flower seller once taught me three essential questions:

1. Why am I going to do it?

2. Why am I doing it?

3. Why did I do it?

 

What drives you?

 

Breaking Out Of My Chains

I remember seeing a YOU magazine article years ago, where a women claimed that she had shed piles of weight, just by the power of prayer. I was very cynical about it.

Over the last 18 months I have been on a journey of really drawing closer to God and have been so blessed. God gave me a PILE of blessings over the last year and the more I give over to Him, the better things go - figures right? Now, if you have got this far and are still reading, good.

I seem to be getting the same message from so many places, in so many different ways:

• We are the image-bearers of Christ
• Our bodies are our temple
• Jesus was super fit, He walked everywhere (Thanks Mom)

So, I started to think.... if I am an image-bearer... and should be following Jesus' spiritual example... maybe I should be following His physical example? God designed my body to be strong, to work the field and to get me places. How dare I flop into a heap? Then I heard a sermon on "work" and how it is good to work and how God doesn't want us to be lazy. These words almost haunt me. I was also reminded to dedicate everything that I do to God's glory (yeah, not easy!). So I prayed. I asked God to bless my diet, to give me self control and perseverance.

I just did my home work for the Beth Moore "Breaking Free" Bible study that I've joined on Saturday mornings. Working through a study on how we need to find our satisfaction in God, feed our souls, I came across two absolute gems of scripture.

"Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?

Why pay for food that does you no good?

Listen, and I will tell you where to get food that is

good for the soul!"

Isaiah 55v2

 

"You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.

I will praise You with songs of joy."

Psalm 63v5

 

I have been slowly becoming aware that the root of my weight gain is comfort eating, I feel like I am breaking habits and teaching my body to be satisfied with better food. At the same time, I am feeding my soul like crazy and aligning my whole self-image to God's image of me.

 

Pray for me, wish me luck, whatever fits into your beliefs. I know that there is no way I would be making this progress, with such surprising ease, without God's help!

Fighting Dragons

I took 2 days off work last week, combined with a public holiday and the weekend; this was five glorious days away from work. I don’t really know what has been going on in my head, but some of my negative feelings were coming back, I felt inadequate and as if I was drowning. I started to cling to my bed in the way I used to, wanting to hide, my body ached. I didn’t want to be sliding down this path again. I told myself that I was putting too much pressure on myself, friends told me too – but I didn’t really help or change anything.

 On the first day of my leave, on the way to the beach, I got a call from my assistant – someone wanted to meet with me, they wanted something from us, but couldn’t give us proper details, and I had to meet them on Monday, quite a drive outside of town. The underlining vibe was that this was important, from the top down…. I was petrified; I didn’t know how to prepare…. I threw up last night. Something was so scary about this meeting. It had been looming in the back of my mind for my whole mini break, stabbing at my tense shoulders (my shoulder muscles really crunched up in the accident)… how absolutely lame is that???

 I wrote on Facebook this morning that I felt like a five year old being sent to slay a dragon – the dragon being this meeting, the scary scary meeting. I arrived at work and then found out that the “Dragon Battle” was only scheduled for Tuesday morning. This gave me some time to prepare. I could mail the Dragon and ask what he wanted…. Longish story short, I didn’t have what he wanted, and my superiors told me I was wasting my time, so I managed to delegate the fight to a better equipped knight, so to speak.

WOW – the relief that ran through me – I felt alive. I got a ton of work done, started delegating more away from myself, bouncing questions back at difficult people…. I had the power back. I had got someone else to slay the dragon for me. Why did I worry so much?

This made me think about the pressure I put myself under. To be perfect, in everything – focusing on the things I’m not, instead of what I am – a funny, loving, creative girl! Yes, I’m really FULL of all three of those. Full to bursting.

I was also reminded of a Quite Time from my “Women’s Study Bible” – yes, and it’s PINK. There is a track, as they call it, entitled “You Don’t Kill a Giant Every Day”. Revolutionary stuff I tell you. The reading covers 1 Samuel 21:1-15 – they story of how David hides from Saul. This is the David of “David and Goliath”, who a mere 4 chapters before had slain a GIANT, he not only hid in the face of danger in this chapter, but in verse 12-13:

“David heard these comments and was afraid of what King Achish might do to him. So he pretended to be insane, scratching on doors and drooling down his beard”

Excuse me while I feel better about any time I’ve had a little cry in the loo at work! The point is, we aren’t always brave, and that’s ok – all over the Bible it talks of God fighting for us.

I don’t often talk about my faith on this blog, and I should. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through half the dramas in my life without God.