DEFY : Day 90 #100daysofwriting

I'm writing my own mantra here... Do Everything For You. Yes... DEFY.

 

This isn't about being selfish, it's about making changes for you, not for anyone else. I stopped drinking to save my own life. I need to eat well and exercise for my own well being - not to conform to someone elses ideal for me.

 

I've got into a stage of neglecting myself. I got stressed and didn't exercise - now I'm in horrible pain with my neck, shoulders and jaw... again. My teeth actually ache. I've booked a session with my physio in the morning to help unclench the knots I've tied.

 

I was directed to an article in the Dailymail about the link between stress, tension and breathing. It made so much sense - I breathe short and shallow, sometimes even holding my breath and sighing. It's all terribly unhealthy!

 

I really need to get serious about yoga classes again. It will take some sacrifice and better time management but I'm falling apart without it! It doesn't matter if I look fat or clumsy - I need to breathe, I need to stretch.

 

Hope I can give a positive report back soon!

 

I should be writing : Day 57 #100daysofwriting

 

So I totally did not do my post yesterday. My nose was blocked and my head hurt, and no I’m not sick ALL the time – I just have allergies and my grind plate makes it worse because it forced me to be a total mouth breather. So much of the excuses hey?

I should be writing. I am a writer. Writer is the good label that I apply, instead of depressed-alcoholic-single. So why don’t I want to write sometimes? Maybe because I end up complaining to an audience, as above. I have the opportunity to submit some freelance blog posts and I STILL haven’t done them. I think I’m afraid of wasting my time, but I don’t get paid to write this blog, so what should it matter if I write articles that are rejected? Surely all creatives run that risk? They should create for the sake of creating first and money second? It really doesn’t feel like that though, which is irritating.

Affirmation and praise is another driving force. I get some sort of affirmation by the number of hits I get on my blog, but really don’t know if anyone actually enjoys the majority of my posts. I have readers all over the world and that confuses me too – who are you? Yes, you, Dear Reader. What brought you to my blog? No, really, write a comment and tell me. I moderate my comments so if you ask me not to publish it, I won’t, just tell me! It would really help my motivation and confidence as a creative.

So… write to me, ok?

xxx

 

 

In The Scales : Day 29 #100daysofwriting

I went back to gym today, with a great concept running through my head "don't rely on motivation, rely on commitment." Yup... Say you will do it, then do it, even if you don't feel like it. We can't depend on our feelings to steer us. It probably helped that I'd made a commitment to gym with a friend.

It's a good concept. I seem to be constantly looking for motivation. Flip, when I feel like my head isn't in the game I hop on Pinterest for quotes. It helps a bit, but really I just need to stick to my guns. It becomes a matter of boundaries in the end. I commit to gym on a certain evening, so I don't get swayed by work load or socialising - in the bigger picture I'm better off. Less resentment, more joy. In trying not to be selfish we can really go overboard and stop looking after or even respecting our own needs. It is about balance.

So that's my goal - to make healthy commitments and to stick to them. Even if I occasionally need a little help from a friend.

Monday - Life Hacks?

Found this on Pinterest, going to try and implement these great tips and thought you might want to do them too!

Wish I'd seen them last night already, a new start to life this week would have been great. I suppose there's no better time than RIGHT NOW to start implementing better life practices?

All credit to http://fundersandfounders.com/

#100creativedays Day 1: bringing blogging back

I spoke to a writer friend about my "blog-block"... How I was struggling to even start my first post after all these months. She suggested I just write. Coupled with a new challenge of #100creativedays - today seemed like the day, and the topic would be broad.

I have been sober for 201 days as of today, and just completed #100happydays (more about that in a different post) and my new challenge is to do something creative everyday and post it. Fortunately writing counts in this case, so I'm free to waffle on and essentially find my "writing mojo" again.

On the subject of mojo, I feel like I have a collection of mojo's and most of them have gone missing. I've been single since early January - the break-up hurt more than it should have, my self-esteem took a wild dip and it really didn't help that I was delving into some deep rooted personal issues at that stage of my recovery. I still feel raw at times. It sucks when you can admit that you actually screwed up and there is no fixing it. Maybe this is why I couldn't write for months, I was feeling too much. I'd like to say I've been 90% mature about it and 10% a screaming toddler. But I live on, albeit jaded.

 My weight took a smack over the festive season, I gained 4kgs and took months to wiggle it down again... Then in the course of 5 weeks I attended 4 weddings, my dad turned 60 (SO MUCH CAKE) and, well, Easter happened. I hit the carb and sugar train so hard and the 4 extra kgs came back. I feel a little stubborn about wiggling them away again... It's almost winter you know!!

Work, phew... TEN YEARS with the same company and I seem to have hit a wall mentally. Things are improving but I always live with the fear that complacency is indicative of depression, and I'd really like to think I'm taking steps to sort my $#1+ out!!! Golly... Someone give me a break on the emo vibes already!

On a positive note, assuming I haven't lost you already... I do have my sober-party-mojo back, some male attention (wrong males though!), been told I look skinny twice today, and that my boss really believes in me! SO, maybe I need to just slip off my doom 'n gloom glasses and embrace life?'Nuff said.xxx

Flexing My Emotional Muscles

I woke up much stronger, sleep deprived, but strong...

I'm sharing my vintage-nature-inspired-motivations with you.

Much love, happiness and joy dear reader

Just Get It Done Today...

Birthday Checklist

1 year wiser

15kg lighter

35 days sober

 

:)

 

I'm doing ok.

 

It's been quite a year, but I'm definately in a better place emotionally, physically and mentally than I was a year ago. Thanks to everyone who helped me get here, and I thank God for all my wins.

 

 

 

 

 

... it's not over yet

 

I've been trying to write for days, I can only think that maybe I haven't tried at all... because clearly I haven't posted anything?

 

I've let myself get into a little funk... maybe PMS? Maybe Winter? Maybe I'm just full of crap? Brother has been on stage 3 of Dukan all of July, so he gets to munch veggies everyday, gets cheat meals, gets to eat fruit... and still lost MORE weight. I think I got jealous, I started to sneak glasses of wine here and there... shrugged and took a slice of cake. Nothing in the way of a full cheat meal, but I've become complacent. It is not good. It does no good for my body or my spirit. I feel guilty. Someone told me yesterday that the righteous do not lose their righteousness in God, but sin slows them down. Although cheating on my diet isn't a sin against God, it is me breaking promises with myself. I fortunately haven't gained any weight, but the loss seems slow. I promise, I'm not going to wallow about it... I've lost 12kg now, but I need the discipline. I need to feel in control. I need to see this journey to the end - if there is an end.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement, please don't stop, I'm only 60% to my goal....

 

Another thought I want to leave you with, or that I want to leave myself with... I'm not sure. But:

 

What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid of success? of happiness? of the life meant for you? what do you lose by trying?

Seriously Sharon?

Seriously?

 

*clearly there's more going on in my head than weight-loss... more about that when I'm ready

 

xxx

Warm Fuzzy Quote Of The Day

 

 

Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four:

constantly needing.....

.... food (ok, maybe just today)
..........motivation (more and more)
..... love

I've had another sort of grumpy, hungry day... oh wait.... we call that a protein day?

I had a meeting and lunch on the other side of Cape Town, which was lovely, but I feel very tired. I'm now killing time at work until it's time to go to Biblestudy. Is it ok that I just want my bed? Oh, wait, I'm leading Biblestudy.... how did that happen? I've honestly forgotten my notes at home so need to wing it a bit, I do at least have a Bible in my bag ;)

Oh, you want to know what I had for lunch? Steak, and admittedly nibbled on the side salad to look more socially acceptable. I'm sure Dr Dukan would forgive me.
Why am I hungry you ask? Because I didn't have my carefully timed snacks today, I function well with snacks.

My head feels sore and my body aches, I feel so disjointed, like I'm trying to communicate with the world through water.... I'm a mermaid mouthing in a tank and you just scowl, confused, back at me.
I'm exhausted from small talk and too much exercise. Or is that too little exercise? My neck aches. My jaw hurts. Maybe all the tension I seem to be carrying again?

I did have a big wash of love earlier, a sunbeam on a tiring day. I saw an old friend, her 2 year old reached out for me. I held her in my arms as she twirled her fingers in my hair. I felt so happy. How do I keep that feeling all day?

Relax I guess and just keep going?

Crazy, crazy... crazy enough ;)

Kick Monday in the Face!

 

 

 

 

 



Best Intentions

A very wise flower seller once taught me three essential questions:

1. Why am I going to do it?

2. Why am I doing it?

3. Why did I do it?

 

What drives you?

 

Moments of Motivation

I've always been a little obsessed with ballet.... strangely enough didn't ever go for lessons, but spend hours hovering on my tip toes with one hand on the kitchen counter and one hand on the chest freezer. I loved how weird feet look on pointe.
I used to prance around in hand-me-down leotards.... total fav was yellow with 3/4 sleeves, I even had one of those wrap around jerseys.... *sigh*

After doing the 15 minute ballet buns workout yesterday morning, I did a 40 minute barre work out last night. I'm about a million pliats away from my ballet body.... I want the grace and bendiness of a ballerina. They move so fluidly and can lift their legs so high. I want to be a ballerina!!!!

I am not sure if I mentioned that one of my "rewards" once I'm thin is a photoshoot. I'm busy collecting photos of similar poses I want to strike. Found some reasonable balletesque ones (as in I'm not wrapping a leg around my neck), so the challenge to be bendy is on!

Here are my latest motivational posters

I will post links to a few of my favourite youtube workout videos in a separate post soon....

Words to live by

This is EXACTLY how I feel and why I am on this journey

NEW WEEK, NEW CHANCE TO BE AMAZING

Monday motivation...

Guilt Is Ridiculous

I love writing, but I haven't been writing.
I love reading, but I haven't been reading.

I'm so tired and grumpy this morning.
The sermon from Sunday on "Working" echoes through my head... God doesn't like lazy people.... am I lazy? I can't focus on work.

Is this because I've been consuming protein since Saturday? FOUR DAYS already. Brother and I both dropped 2.5kg in the first two days. Now we sit.... unmoving.... is that why I feel like this?
I got up early and did yoga.... hanging upside down in Downward Dog until I almost fainted.

I've got my playlist ready, To-Do List handy... I'm getting my feelings out now..... cup of tea in hand.... "God make me focus" is my whispered prayer.

Here's the video I tried to do this morning.... I didn't finish it, but I can feel that I worked my legs.... small steps hey?

We Can Dukan!

I've googled every possible thing to convince myself that Dukan is ok for me, maybe I've been looking for an excuse?

But it seems:
- I can stick to plan while I recover from having my wisdom teeth out (in a few weeks time)
- Low carb is often advised for depression
- Low carb is good for IBS
- IT WORKS

I found this blog: http://southafricandukan.wordpress.com/
While it only has a few things on it, I like the motivational posters and SA retailer specific products.

Brother and I planned a few meals already, and cleared the fridge of "offending" products... fortunately we didn't have much in the way of "illegal" foods - about 100ml of fruity yoghurt, half a carton of fruit juice, left over low fat custard, and seeing as neither of us had managed to have dinner last night, it didn't seem criminal to have "fairly" healthy snacks (yes, yes the sugar.... but it's not PIZZA).

We will start tomorrow with eggs and yoghurt for breakfast. I'm planning grilled chicken breasts stuffed with cottage cheese and ham for lunch (yeah.... does sound AMAZING). I'm going to attempt to make galettes for dinner, maybe with cottage cheese and tuna.

Recipe for galette HERE. It's an oat bran based pancake. We need to consume 1.5 tablespoons of oat bran per day... so seems a great way to consume it!

Feeling pretty positive and pumped now. And yes, I will have pizza and wine tonight.... last supper, as it were....

Then, to focus on my new mantra:

PS: I did yoga last night, I am amazing