99 Problems... but : Day 93 #100daysofwriting

It's been just over three weeks since I declared myself celibate for three months. It's a state of mind more that physical restraint because I've certainly gone longer than three months without a smooch in the past. I've sworn off online dating  (the idea is forever), flirting, crushing and chasing.

How this looks is : I deleted all phone numbers of random boys, deleted all dating apps, don't allow myself to check out guys (just look away) and am guarding against any pursuit of male company (other than already friend zoned boys). I'm pursuing female friendships and trying to be supportive of others. If someone asked me on a date I'd say no, arrange a group hang out or take them to church. It's actually very freeing to just check out of the scene for a while.

As I look around and see friends still engaged in the pursuit, or friends dealing with broken hearts... It's great to feel so detached from the merry-go-round.

Winning Streak : Day 69 #100daysofwriting

So, I've just caught up my two missing posts, I feel a very good creative flow happening tonight. I better keep this short and informal, not because I'm tired, but rather hungry.

In the hope of getting my life back in line, I've been very strict about my eating over the last two days, managed a good cardio session and got up at a decent time this morning. Progress!

My phone conked out last night so my social contact is decreased, I can still Whatsapp, but I don't have many numbers on my spare phone. I also suspect that most people (read random online men who I am now avoiding, see Day 67) think that I have blocked them because they should only be able to see my profile picture if I actually have them saved as a contact. I'm seeing this whole scenario as divine intervention because talk to strange men is really not benefitting my spiritual well being - I feel a little bit like I've put myself in a position to be rejected, judged and mistreated. Of course there have been some sweet conversations, but after all these years of pen friends and chat groups, a real connection is actually rare until you meet face to face. Perhaps I digress. The point is that I was putting myself under undue pressure by trying to find a boyfriend online. I feel happier now that I've thrown in the towel. Yes it works for some people, but rarely for me, make that never. I have never had a significant romantic relationship with someone from the internet. I've had firm friendships, but never romance. Insanity really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So here is to healthy mind, body and spirit. xoxox

Sober & Single : Day 35 #100daysofwriting

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.

 

I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?

 

I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.

 

I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?

 

I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.

Hellentines' 2015

Valentines' Day… the degree to which I am anti Valentines' is totally eclipsed by how badly I secretly want to be spoilt rotten. Absolutely a case of “I think the lady doth protest too much”. 

I feel like I’ve been brain washed to accept that the men I associate with aren’t romantic, flowers are expensive and die, no one is going to write me a love letter, holding hands is sweaty, and if someone gives you a back rub you’re going to have to reciprocate so don’t even ask.

Through High School I always had someone to send me a rose – we’d gather in the hall to receive roses sent from the boys’ schools. As far as I remember I usually got at least one, never from an actual admirer through!

At 15 my very first boyfriend broke up with me 6 days before Valentines' Day – after I’d planned a very romantic double date at Laser Quest. I really don’t blame him, I’d been a bit of a bitch, but the injustice of singlehood on Valentines' was horrific.
Fast forward to the Vday when I baked heart shaped biscuits for a boyfriend, with great difficulty because I’d been stabbed in my arm a few days earlier, I don’t think he even got me a card. Then the Valentines' where I cooked a lovely meal and bought my own flowers with grocery money my boyfriend had given me.

Now Hellentine’s 2015 I was going to play wingman at a wedding but the plan has changed. So I tried to make plans with a guy friend who had previously expressed the desire to boycott the whole commercial holiday, but he has plans now. So I sit and wonder if I should spend the day with someone random and I wonder why I even care. I’m vaguely “seeing someone” who I have honestly not seen in almost 2 weeks or spoken to this week – I think I need to categorise him along with the Easter Bunny. I’m absolutely not prepared to ask about the status quo.

Bottomline… why do I care? Why do I want the mushy ridiculousness? Why do I want to punch couples who say they don’t celebrate Valentines’?

Love & Loneliness #100creativedays Day 26

Love... is multifaceted. Yes. That's it... Many faced. I love The Squire. I love my parents. I love my kitten, Arizona. I love flings (the chips, not the slutty kind). I love the smell of almond shower oil...
Some of these things love me back, one at least sees me as a source of food and affection, and the others... Well they're things! Do I love them directly proportionally to how much love I get back, well, yes and no. Family - yes, we have family love for each other. Arizona - who knows? She's getting very cuddly with The Squire, and I'm sure I love her too much. Chips and bath products... Let's call that an unrequited love, where I get all the fuzzy feelings and their creators get richer.

Unrequited love... Now there a whole big topic of its own. I had a huge crushing pile of unrequited puppylove for my high school crush for about... Well, let's say up until his wedding this year? The passion was strong within me for a good 6 years or so, with occasional pangs that grew into a nostalgic fondness over the years. This really was unrequited and never consummated.
What about that tiny torch that I'm carrying now? For someone who is a dear, dear friend but not at all meant for me? Honestly, there are two that come to mind. The one is homosexual and the other loves another. I did say "tiny" torch, so calm down... It's probably not YOU.

This brings me to loneliness, and how many people don't actually understand how loneliness is multifaceted too. I hate admitting to feeling lonely. My kind of loneliness can cover me while I'm in the middle of a crowd. I can be at a party with all my friends and feel completely lonely. Is it a symptom of depression or my own selfish need for affirming attention? Who knows, but often pulling myself out of a social situation makes me feel less lonely!

There's the loneliness of literally being alone because you're shut off from the world or someone important is gone and there's a hole in your life - this seems more socially accepted somehow.

There's also that loneliness that comes in the middle of the night. It's dark and ugly and whispers nasty lies in your ears. It's the loneliness of singleness, that tries to convince you that together is better than alone. Sometimes this loneliness creeps along to parties, or shopping centres. Where strangers stroke your carb-swollen belly and think you're part of a breeding couple. Or couples slink around doing couple things like holding hands and smiling smugly. All the while the lonely lies try to convince you that you'll never be one of them...

Ok, this got dark, I feel like Gollum. The point that I'm trying to make is, that company and love are relative. You can't tell someone not to feel lonely or unloved just because they are surrounded by people. They need to find the love and fulfilment by themselves, in a higher power or purpose. So stop being flippant. Not all love or loneliness is equal, and it is all quite real when you're feeling it.

#100creativedays Day 1: bringing blogging back

I spoke to a writer friend about my "blog-block"... How I was struggling to even start my first post after all these months. She suggested I just write. Coupled with a new challenge of #100creativedays - today seemed like the day, and the topic would be broad.

I have been sober for 201 days as of today, and just completed #100happydays (more about that in a different post) and my new challenge is to do something creative everyday and post it. Fortunately writing counts in this case, so I'm free to waffle on and essentially find my "writing mojo" again.

On the subject of mojo, I feel like I have a collection of mojo's and most of them have gone missing. I've been single since early January - the break-up hurt more than it should have, my self-esteem took a wild dip and it really didn't help that I was delving into some deep rooted personal issues at that stage of my recovery. I still feel raw at times. It sucks when you can admit that you actually screwed up and there is no fixing it. Maybe this is why I couldn't write for months, I was feeling too much. I'd like to say I've been 90% mature about it and 10% a screaming toddler. But I live on, albeit jaded.

 My weight took a smack over the festive season, I gained 4kgs and took months to wiggle it down again... Then in the course of 5 weeks I attended 4 weddings, my dad turned 60 (SO MUCH CAKE) and, well, Easter happened. I hit the carb and sugar train so hard and the 4 extra kgs came back. I feel a little stubborn about wiggling them away again... It's almost winter you know!!

Work, phew... TEN YEARS with the same company and I seem to have hit a wall mentally. Things are improving but I always live with the fear that complacency is indicative of depression, and I'd really like to think I'm taking steps to sort my $#1+ out!!! Golly... Someone give me a break on the emo vibes already!

On a positive note, assuming I haven't lost you already... I do have my sober-party-mojo back, some male attention (wrong males though!), been told I look skinny twice today, and that my boss really believes in me! SO, maybe I need to just slip off my doom 'n gloom glasses and embrace life?'Nuff said.xxx

Bah... humbug...

Just for a chuckle ;)

During the course of Friday I was again refered to as Brother's wife... and nudged during a Baby Shower to be asked when I was going to have a baby.... wow, and then when I say that finding a husband and settling down is not a priority right now, they shake they heads and sympathetically tell me I will find someone, or that when I meet the right person... like sheeeeeeeesh, I've just bought a flat and thus proved that I do not need to get married to carry on with my life. I suppose it's normal that people just want to keep laying on the pressure for the next step... for now I'm very happy to just be "New Property Owner"

Fortunately, according to Wikipedia, I am not a spinster, as I am not moments away from menopause, nor do I spin yarn...