Exhale : Day 61 #100daysofwriting

I'm nestled in a warm coffee shop, between social engagements. I'm starting to make a habit of these stolen coffee dates with myself. I had one yesterday too.

I'm especially happy that I'm taking the time to write a post now, rather than leaving it till midnight, to shoehorn into my routine while half asleep or half distracted.

I'm like Ernest Hemingway, just sober, writing furiously at a table in the middle of the bustle of human life. I have no idea of that is at all historically accurate but it is how I imagine it.

The warmth is almost uncomfortable as my fingers defrost from their brush with the night air. I'm so sleepy and hazy, even while clasping a latte. Maybe it's the candlelight? Maybe because I'm slowly decompressing.

This week is going to be so busy and it is probably my own fault for falling into so many engagements. But why shouldn't I have late weeknights? I hardly ever go to bed at a decent time. I'm only cutting into my series watching time. I've already prepped food for the next few days of packed lunches and dinners. I have tomorrow morning's veggie juice lined up. All my laundry is done. Why shouldn't I stay in the bustle of humanity a little longer?

xxx

Sober & Single : Day 35 #100daysofwriting

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.

 

I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?

 

I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.

 

I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?

 

I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.

The Ultimate #100creativedays Day 77

Today was tough, dark clouds followed me and twisted my thinking. I'm not entirely sure why. I do have a few serious matters on my mind, decisions to be made, disappointments to let go of, and the constant interference of the people around me. I have had to take some big steps relatively on my own, its been my journey. Its hard to explain the changes to certain people, so I don't try... But then find myself having to explain the decisions I make these days. Can't my decisions simple be mine? Without constant justification?

It was such a relief to get a message from The Squire, telling me that he and Arizona were also counting down till home time. It made my heart glad. I got home, The Squire ordered pizza and I got my yoga on while we waited for the delivery. Healthy stretching, decadent carbs, hot shower and toasty bed, these are the antidote to a noisy world. #bliss