I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.
I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?
I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.
I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?
I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.
Hey, love is always a bit scary in the beginning, especially meeting someone and having to get to know them, the random conversations, explaining your views, trying to not appear strange and generally trying to impress this person but once you give it a chance it can be quite wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI understand your want for a catalyst to relax the vibe and make you feel comfortable, but you as yourself are great, kind and wonderful.
You don't need someone or something to be the middle man for you.
I don't think you should ever keep your meetings a secret, its like keeping the fact that you are a christian a secret because a guy thinks its strange, you are you and that is fantastic.
A good guy will not need you to change to suit his needs, you aren't a kid anymore and a mature guy would know that he cant make you into someone you are not.
He will be understanding, obviously this doesnt mean that you can be hell on wheels and not be open to change :)... but you not hell on wheels so don't worry about that.
Eating for comfort, haha yeah. I think a lot of girls do that, i can munch all day if it means i wont feel lonely, left out and have to answer an awkward question.
Also food is amazing so whatever haha.
Online dating sucks,
il leave that one there.
Thanks darling xoxox
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