Bizarre Friday

I’m sitting killing some time, post a work social, where I valiantly knocked back two Becks Blue’s (non-alcoholic beer). Listening to Gogol Bordello. Feeling a little weird because my mouth tastes like beer and I’m going to a 12 Step Meeting…

I already almost fainted when someone told me that Becks Blue, according to the internet, has an alcohol percentage per volume of 0.3%. I scrutinized the bottle and convinced by the “0.0%” claim on the label and “all that Moslem writing”, that it was actually ok. The sight of me swanning around with a bottle of beer did alarmed a few supportive colleagues. I’m 50 weeks sober today, so yeah, it’s weird to see me with a beer. 

Someone called me a pushover today. I’m really not. She based this on the fact that I’ve been pretty much stood up by the same guy twice. Am I a pushover? Or do I choose to have some faith in someone when they make plans with me?

Pah.

In the words of Gogol Bordello:

“Start wearing purple, wearing purple
Start wearing purple for me now
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish
I promise, it's just a matter of time”

A crushing feeling...

I have a feeling.
I’ve caught a feeling.
And the feeling is crushing.
A disaster.
I think have a crush on you.
And him.
And him.
And definite nostalgic longings for him.

Sometimes someone comes into my life and for an often inexplicable reason, I can’t get them out of my mind. Is it a crush? I read their texts first, I click “like” too often on their posts, I break into a big beaming smile when I see them, or a frown if I really like them and feel the need to compensate.

I saw a video of you. You did this little happy jump at the end. It made me want to hug you.
I saw a video of you, you were dancing to a Nick Cave song. You pulled a face at the camera and were caught forever as the clip ended. I wanted to hug you.
You sent me a picture of gnomes fighting a T-Rex. You said you were the gnome on the right and you were going to save the gnome in his jaws.
You called me sweety as you said good bye.
You call me Sharry and I hate it. But it makes me grin instead because you said it.
You are wise.
You are funny.
You know how to fix a bike.
You have the weirdest views on life.
You have tattoos.
You have a beard.

Now, if only those statements weren’t about four different men. *sigh*
All of whom are firmly in the friend-zone.
I want to laugh at how special you guys are to me right now. And you don't even know it.

Bury

People bury treasures. People bury hurts.

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned"
- Bastille

Its not easy to squash down emotions without alcohol. I've spent the last 10 and a half months feeling raw. Its hard to keep things buried and it seems like everything I've ever buried is forcing its way out of the ground.

I feel so vulnerable and like so many things and people have the power to hurt me. Especially those people who actually know what is going on with me. Does that seem fair? To be beaten up over and over by people who actually know.

I'm clinging to the people who love me, and to the love and grace that God promises. I know I can weather this storm longer.

If it's within you, pray for me please.

Missing

Mmmm... I'm a real brat when it comes to going to sleep. I have this huge sense that I will miss out on something... What I ask you? A tweet? #FOMO #lame #31yearoldsneedsleepcostimeisntsparingtheirlooks

Anyway. The title actually refers to how accustomed I've become to a nightly vent-slash-poem-slash-story.

All that is on my mind is how I desperately need to drop the sneaky 6 kilos that have casually positioned themselves upon me like a swimming tube and water wings. I don't known where I found the discipline before!!!!

Also on my mind are those people who rudely ignore messages and/or hide away when they've been naughty. (Yes I saw you with your ex at the shops) Or those brilliant passive aggressive people who think that ignoring you will make you go away (dude, I don't want to date you either but you're the one who said "next time" - I'm politely following up).

Maybe these transgressions are on my mind because I'm guilty too. I've literally been plotting for weeks about avoiding someone at a party.

Couldn't human interaction be easier? I've mentioned before how rude we are to each other. I need to tap into my love well again to find tolerance and compassion. Games exhaust me.

Sorry if I have neglected anyone, drop me a message to say you miss me - I will reply - life is so busy, I probably miss you too.

Xxx

"Don't dream it... Be it"

Went to Rocky Horror at The Fugard tonight - it was outstanding! 

I went last year in November with my family and boyfriend at the time. Maybe it was parental presence at a musical with adult content - my ex got rather prudish. I suppose I worried about my parents too - the live show with audience participation encourage is far racier than I remember the movie being! 

The opportunity came up to join a group of friends in seeing this sell out show again. This time I went all out. Our group basically filled a row and everyone of us had gone all out! Being in costume just elevated my enjoyment of the show. Was an amazing night!

I teased my hair, threw on an old black shirt (courtesy of The Squire), tights, boots, with a homemade apron and cap to finish off my Magenta outfit. I rocked the heck put of my costume - and it didn't cost me a cent to make.

In the words of Dr Frank-N-Furter : "Don't dream it, be it"

Next 100 Day Challenge!!

I'm collecting stories and sharing them over the next 100 days!!

Check it all out here: http://hundredconvos.blogspot.com

xxx

I'm just here for your entertainment #100creativedays Day 100

Last day of #100creativedays - so that also means its day 300 of sobriety and 100 days till my birthday!! And one sleep until I reveal my next project!

I am shirking my writing obligations to share www.theawkwardyeti.com with you. I just lost a chunk of my life to these genius comics! Full credit to the Yeti, but I have to share some "Brain & Heart" - so so so my internal battle when it comes to budgeting and punctuality... Ooo Brain      battles Stomach too...

I'm not a nudist... But. #100creativedays Day 99

That title got your attention? Good. I'm getting tired of having to wear winter PJs. I'm tired of winter clothes all together - in fact I'm not sure when winter clothes have ever been my first option. I get strangely over heated and claustrophobic when it comes to coats... Or long sleeves.

Let's look at my family. The Squire tolerates sleeves and coats, but shuns long trousers whenever he can. He cuts a dashing figure, mid winter, in a tailored Melton coat and cargo shorts. Father insists on shoes and socks on the beach. He is a wearer of vests. *shakes head*

Mother! Oh mummy dearest... The June bride with her sleeves pushed up in 90% of her wedding photos... I think we have our genetic link. Rumor has it, and I grab this claim with both paws, that some Nordic blood has trickled into our blood line from our mom's side. I swear that my incisors are longer than average and attribute this to my Viking ancestry. Yup, claiming it.

Summer turns me into a sweaty blob. I've started coming out in hives if I'm in the sun too long (still exploring whether is rather the sunscreen). I'm not sure that summer suits me either. Give me a temperate temperature with a breeze (or plain ventilation in the office) and I'm a content little girl.

xxx

So here's the plan #100creativedays Day 98

I'm still coughing and spluttering, so launching into a fitness frenzy is not on the cards for a few more days. I know that I could do crunches etc but I'm hideously unfit so wheezing is imminent.

I shloomped to work with crazy hair, sans make up, puffy face and feeling my over-justified "I'm sick so I should snack" sins. Not OK! Not part of the plan!! I know natural is best, but I need to make effort.

Eating was fairly disciplined... Except for that chocolate éclair... Light, fluffy, topped with chocolate and filled with caramel and cream... Oh damn.

So the plan is to seize the morning, get my professional glam on, juggle a day full of meetings, run errands and at least try to do some yoga. No food cheats.

As much as I like to rap myself over the knuckles, I did my own polyfiller vibes on my bedroom wall and have planned my Magenta costume for Rocky Horror this weekend. I even started some sorting of my art supplies. All after a days work.

Small victories, keep moving and remember that I can have the life I want - I just need to focus on living with love, creativity and healthy choices.

Xxx

With Both Hands #100creativedays Day 97

I've had another day in bed, thinking, snoozing and watching series.

Life on TV isn't real. My life isn't actually boring. I do need to enjoy it more though. Being sick makes me miserable and I'm upset that I didn't get things done like I wanted to.

This post seems kinda rubbish too.

What will make me happy? What will change my life into the life I want?

I miss living in town sometimes. I miss set walking dates on Sunday mornings. Crazy friends who could be dragged to gigs midweek.

I miss being able to escape from reality. Sobriety still makes everything so high definition.

I'm very bad at getting to sleep.

My writing feels stuck.

I have another 100 days coming up... I'm shying away from any big commitment of health and fitness. I'm considering "100 topics" to write on... My gut says I should be seeking out adventure... Are there 100 adventures to be had in CT? Alongside normal life? I need to think quickly. Please comment below if you have any ideas?

I want to feel more alive. I want to feel fit, happy and creative... I want to be able to do a handstand. Seriously. I need to.

FOMO & Facebook #100creativedays Day 96

I'm sick.
But not enough to be passed out.
It seems to have been an epic weekend for everyone else and I'm feeling very neglected :(

Guess I'm not the only one who loathes social media unless I'm the one showing off my magnificent life. I do wonder at some of my friends though, people my age and older who juggle gym, nightlife and travel - with perfect hair... How the hell do they do it??? Magic? Vampiric sleep requirements? You people are so gorgeous, aaaargh.... HOW?

I guess it ironic that I'm snotty and clammy when I'd fully intended to start my summer body routine from today. Another danger of social media is all those perfect abs...

Aaaaaargh....

Enough moaning... Maybe I need a hot bath, clean hair and a home pedicure...

Sloth #100creativedays Day 95

Winter... A time of closed rooms, heaters and disease. I've managed to avoid snotty flu all year. I deal better with stomach pain or dizziness than a sore throat, cough and snot.

Patient Zero... Strut around the office and as our colleagues dropped one by one, I swore my immunity... Alas... As much as I believe that cold weather can't make you sick, the odds of a sore throat are higher when you eat dinner on a balcony in the rain... Damn my sense of adventure.

Looks like my long weekend will not be as productive as planned...

Make 'n Bake #100creativedays Day 94

No long, deep or meaningful insights tonight.

I'm catering for our Beth Moore group tomorrow and a sweet little voice suggested that I might bake. I had to agree. After a nasty fall this morning, I have a swollen, bruised foot, so I opted for a mini cheat to reduce my standing time... I grabbed some ready mix and added my own touch.

Vanilla mix with choc chips

Bran mix with chopped walnuts & cinnamon

Granny Vibes #100creativedays Day 93

I'm still in my early 30's, very early 30's and I wonder if I've sunk into Granny life already?

When an invite comes through for drinks on a Friday night, I tut. Heaven forbid someone suggests dancing. Friday's are for snacks, PJs and the couch. That said I feel like I've gone out every Friday night for weeks, enjoyed some deep conversations with some rather inebriated yet still darling friends. Drunk friends love to hug me, plant a kiss on my cheek and then slur beer breath into my ear to tell me they applaud my sobriety. Don't get me wrong, I find it both amusing and endearing.

Dancing sober is actually great - my balance is epic, my moves flawless and my energy surprising. A stimulant like sugar or caffeine does help, but if I'm happy I party.

I've mentioned my joy in cooking and baking for friends. I like making the people that I love happy and fat :)

I do rather enjoy afternoon naps... But so do teenagers, so maybe I'm rather experiencing a growth spurt than old age? I'd like to think so.

I think I better go out tomorrow...

I won't stop!!

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/selfies

 

 

Find me on Instagram sharon_paine for too many photos of Arizona ;)

Typical #100creativedays Day 92

So... A day without tea and nonsense... Between 18:45 and 19:00 I had three cups of tea in rapid succession. I'm not sure that I'm prepared to address this addiction... Friendship are built not destroyed over a cup of tea. Tea helps me make decisions, doesn't scramble my brain.

I've also binged on Facebook a bit... And used up my data until Friday! OK more like I found a series of vlog posts on YouTube, by a German man, Flula, who take English metaphors and idioms literally with hilarious commentary.

The first video that I watched was his take on "party pooper" - hilarious. His take on "dropping the kids at the pool" really made me chuckle.... And once I have data again, I'm looking forward to "skeletons in the closest".

Maybe its better that I can't watch more videos now, my bladder is rather full...

Not So Fast! #100creativedays Day 91

Every so often my church has a time of fasting. I am always full of excuses about needing to eat because of my antidepressants and my unstable mood when hungry. This time the call seems to be more directed towards fasting from Social Media! Yes, probably a bigger pleasure for me than eating!

So from midnight tonight, until 18:30 tomorrow I will turn my data off my phone and practice restraint via computer. No blogs, no Facebook, no twitter, no instant messaging... You get the idea!

Work emails yes, gmail yes, SMS and phone yes. I was going to say no gmail but I'm in the middle of an insurance claim and it hardly feels gratuitous...

I'm also giving up tea... I may just go crazy... I'm seriously into tea.

The point of this is to sacrifice a pleasure that we depend on. As a church we want to reflect on the things we want to hand over to God. For me personally its an act of obedience and a sign of me putting my trust in God.

I've been struggling to hand all areas of my life over to God. The way I've thought and acted with regards to romantic relationships shows a massive struggle to have things my way, not God's way. I also need to trust God with my job and future. I need to trust in His provision, and worry less. I'm still struggling and see this mini fast as a gesture.

Fortunately the fast is only 18.5 hours, so expect feedback tomorrow evening :)

Heritage #100creativedays Day 90

I went onto the website of a rather posh international brand today, and the surname of their South African MD caught my eye. Its the same as mine. Someone else in their management team has the same surname too.

Thanks to the wonder of the internet, in under 5 minutes I knew where he'd grown up, where he lives now and seen photos of his family. His son seems to have the family nose. His birth place matches the legends of where "we" landed in South Africa. Could it be...

My mom has done some investigation into our family trees. I feel very compelled to further the research. I have some pretty insane online stalker skills... Shall I add this to my growing list of future projects?
I feel strangely excited at the prospect. Like a journalist...

Domestic Bliss #100creativedays Day 89

I'm finding so much joy lately in cooking, baking, sorting and just making our home perfect.

I suppose I get the urge every so often to sort, purge, rearrange and scrub. Maybe its seasonal? Maybe an outward manifestation of how I'm doing the same emotionally and spiritually. Getting my house in order, as it were.

I made a pot of butternut soup that will sort out our lunches for the next two days. Butternut is Dukan friendly, tasty and cheap. I portion out servings into glass jars. I screw the lids on while the soup is still hot for a super tight seal - ensuring freshness and no drips. I know The Squire gets ragged a bit at work, but jars of soup are the way forward... And jealousy is rife in the plastic-lunch-box-boring-sarmie ranks.

I get a feeling of satisfaction from "looking after" The Squire... Yes, I might put women's lib back a few years, but I'm taking good care of myself too.

I also derive weird joy out of folding laundry. Maybe it stems back to it being my main chore when I was little? Sorting was always a good way to keep me busy. Or my retail background and the strange zen of folding shirts with military precision? Who knows? I like folding, The Squire loves ironing... We really have the perfect set up.

I also pottered around on the balcony, checking on my plants, tidying up empty pots, putting aside a pile of pots for charity.

I sorted some of my grocery cupboards too, and the fridge. Everything feels fresh and neat.

Now I can rest comfortably under fresh bedding too... Mmmm... I love it when I've been in housewife mode... Makes me fall quite in love with myself :)

Abscess Abacus #100creativedays Day 88

"Click, click, click
I slide the beads and count
The minutes
Hours
Days
Nights
Weeks
Months
Eons
Since
We spoke
I drank
We danced
I ate
We laughed
I cried
Click, click, click
Counting
Counting
How long till
A baby
(Not mine)
A wedding
(Not mine)
A heartbreak
(Not yours)
How long since
I drank
I loved
I cried
We spoke."

Sharon Paine 19.07.14

Friday Night #100creativedays Day 87

I didn't write last night, which feels strange. I almost feel guilty. I just wasn't sure of what to write and was so very tired.

The morning began with pounding the pavement in search of hungry and needy people in town. In honour of Mandela Day we distributed soup. I had mixed feeling about serving the needy only once a year, I know the street people who live right outside my office definitely got a few different meals yesterday. Serving the needy isn't an easy thing. What is enough? What is the right way?

Later in the day I had some deep conversations with some colleagues, not about the needy, but about our lives. I'm amazed when people open up, and they really seem to open up to me. I suppose I'm quite honest and open, so it puts others at ease. Its actually such an honour and privilege to hear the stories of people around me.

These things have been crashing against each other in my mind. That everyone has a story and a need of sorts. I really need to work on my plan of gathering stories...

Deep Thoughts... #100creativedays Day 86

There is something mystic about a storm. Just think how destructive water and wind are... The way that nature totally humbles us. If you are reading this it is safe to assume that you, like me, have a warm and dry place to hide on a night like this.

I stumbled across the work of Seth Godin this evening. After reading a few quotes I already feel moved, I can't wait to lay my hands on one of his many books. Seth is an author, marketer, entrepreneur and speaker.

This particular quote shifted something in me:

" Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don't need to escape from." - Seth Godin

Yeah... How about that? Stop crawling towards home time and the weekend... What if you were just happy to be in every moment of your life?

I'm still trying to work it out. Right now I think trust in God and a genuine gratitude for all He does is where I'm going to start. Love people and seek to create beauty. I look forward to a time where I am just content in my life.

Xxx

Snuggle Weather #100creativedays Day 85

After a string of bad nights, I'm totally in the snug sleepy zone.

Is it the slight shift towards warmer temperatures?
The happy consequence of dealing with my monsters?
Better support after flipping my mattress?
Muscles unwound by the superior skills of my physio?

I like feeling happy, loved and content. Maybe letting go does work...

 

Believe #100creativedays Day 84

Busy day with a lot of talking through big issues with wise women.

I'm physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. However, I am very happy and content as I bury myself deeper under the covers, Arizona snuggled close and a good serial killer drama on my laptop.

Everything is getting better. Things are falling into place and making sense.

Xxx

Nostalgia #100creativedays Day 83

Clean bedding holds a magic of it's own. As I slipped under my freshly changed linen tonight, something about the smell of the linen and the weight of the covers, transported me. I was suddenly a child again and sleeping over at Granny and Grandpa's house.

The house with the toilet still out in the yard, so we had to use white enamel potties in the middle of the night. I think we drank extra tea before bed just to guarantee that we'd need to wee, just for the novelty.

The bed was high and wide, floors bare wood, a soft focus print of Jesus and His lambs hung above the bed in the middle room. I don't remember as much about the back bedroom, other than the mattress I used to sink right into. I only slept there once we got too big to share a bed. I'm not sure who insisted on sharing in the first place.

The story goes that shortly after The Squire was born, I climbed into Grandpa's car and demanded a holiday from "the baby". Obviously I was very persuasive because a suitcase was packed and I refused to come home for a week. I can understand that, I'd do anything to escape the noise of life and be back there.

There under the sheets printed with little pink roses.

Us Two #100creativedays Day 82

My head is full and has ached since yesterday. As much as I think that I'm stuck in my own pain and disappointment, I've had some really painful tales shared with me lately.

Are we all just water lilies floating on a dark pond? If you try and pick us up out of the water you will see our soggy roots, all entwined.

Families who don't love each other and tear holes in the ones they claim to love? Religious groups turning their backs on their own and punish free choice. People pushed away as if they don't matter. Lovers who fall out of love and lie.

I've decided to rewatch the 1st season of Hannibal before I launch into the 2nd season. It lead me along a disturbing line of googling. Human eyes are too acidic and will make you sick if you ate them... Brains would keep you full for longer but are high risk for making you crazy. (As if being a cannibal wasn't crazy enough?)

Anyway, my point, the idea of eating chunks out of each other is repulsive, but we rip each other apart on an emotional and spiritual level. I wish we could love each other, but it seems so far fetched. Doesn't life hurt us enough without us trying to destroy each other?

Sunsoaked #100creativedays Day 81

I got home from pricing cameras and found Arizona stretched out in a sunny spot on the couch. I snugged up next to her and showered her warm fur with kisses. Not sure if it was the kisses, the selfies or just me hogging the couch, but she's run off and I've claimed her spot.

So blissful. I'm having fantasies of installing heat lamps above my bed for night time replication of this feeling. I feel so content.

Days full of bitter sweet contrasts. Feeling love at your finger tips, but also the ache of love lost. Sunshine in winter...

I've mentioned my obsession with Rod McKuen? His poetry is full of sun, love and nostalgia. I think of his work on days like this. I grab my worn volume of poetry and read his beautiful words.

Maybe I need to snooze here...

 

Could I do this? #100creativedays Day 80

40 weeks...

yeah... like the entire gestation period of a human.
Am I reborn?

40 weeks sober I mean.

So, there's this site/blog/thing called Humans of New York. It makes my tummy hurt to read it, these little snippets of other people's stories. I want to do something like that. Get out of my head and collect stories.

I've just been thinking about it all day.

I need a nice camera though.
I want one.

I need to up my creativity, my creative muscles ache with disuse. Yes, I've been good about writing this blog, but sometimes I feel more like I'm emotionally vomiting via my keyboard than bringing beauty into the world. Maybe too philosophical?

So? Should I do it?
Find a way to collect stories?

A Sorta Fairytale #100creativedays Day 79

I’m writing a late post, yesterday after not sleeping a wink on Wednesday night, my only priority was sleep once I got home from work.

Weirdly that wasn’t to be and This Guy came over to talk, I suppose on my request. A half desperate request. This Guy is my ex, my friend, my kryptonite… who knows. I said I wanted to be his good friend, but I guess it was a lie. I wanted him to choose me. He didn’t, and I was very angry. Anger is horrible, it twists everything, and I get mean. I’m not as mean as I used to be, before I got sober and started working the steps, but I still have a mean streak.

In a weird twist, the one he chose apparently read my whole blog. It’s scary. In a way. So, Dear One-He-Chose, I’m sorry for getting angry. I really don’t want to be angry. Treat him well, he’s rather sweet.

So, yeah, he came over so we could get closure. In my half drugged sleepy state I think I got closure. I swear when he rang the bell I was dreaming of The K2 Twins… google it… nom. Anyway, closure. Means closing the door really, doesn’t it?

Now, my title… the title of a Tori Amos song – of course. I keep wanting a fairytale romance, right? We all want that. But we forgot about the other people in the story… maybe in this story I’m the ugly sister? The witch who got shoved in the oven? Time to close the book and find my own story?

Ok, I’ve waffled. Not sure of the point of this post. I’m sorry, ok? Let’s just listen to the song, it might be a bit more revealing than I’d like…

“and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you”
- Tori Amos "A Sorta Fairytale"

Just Breathe

What am I supposed to do? #100creativedays Day 78

"Things aren't like the movies
My hero got lost
There are no flowers
No free cars
Just debt
And heartache
And wait your turn

I know I should
Just buck up
Shut up
Wake up

Stop dreaming
Stop caring
Stop sharing

Can you believe
How I bleed across
These keys
Across the world

Seriously now
Seriously
When did the magic die?"

Sharon Paine 09.07.14

A very very sad, hurting, crying girl

The Ultimate #100creativedays Day 77

Today was tough, dark clouds followed me and twisted my thinking. I'm not entirely sure why. I do have a few serious matters on my mind, decisions to be made, disappointments to let go of, and the constant interference of the people around me. I have had to take some big steps relatively on my own, its been my journey. Its hard to explain the changes to certain people, so I don't try... But then find myself having to explain the decisions I make these days. Can't my decisions simple be mine? Without constant justification?

It was such a relief to get a message from The Squire, telling me that he and Arizona were also counting down till home time. It made my heart glad. I got home, The Squire ordered pizza and I got my yoga on while we waited for the delivery. Healthy stretching, decadent carbs, hot shower and toasty bed, these are the antidote to a noisy world. #bliss

As it is!

I might be a little cross lately... I'm working on it...

 

The Day You Killed Me #100creativedays Day 76

"Heart turns to stone
As you speak her name.
The name I loathe.
Tears burst forth
The anguish of the day
I thought you died
But as you speak
I feel dead
You kill me
Your words stab me
Mock me
Crush me
My dreams for us
Lie broken
Small birds cursed
I don't feel that way
The way your sister says I feel
But I feel this way
Betrayed
Hurt
You curse the birds
You cut their wings
You fuel my fury
And freeze my heart."

Sharon Paine 07.07.2014

Red.White.Grey. #100creativedays Day 75

"The girl
Bites her lip
Nervous
A pinprick of red
Breaches tired skin
Worn from word
Rough kisses
And the occasional lie.

The girl
Taps her nails
Anxious
A fleck of white
Cracks shiny enamel
Torn by teeth
Hard labour
And the regular scrape

The girl
Twirls her hair
Frightened
A stripe of grey
Betrays youthful curls
Wet from rain
Cold snow
And the endless tears."

Sharon Paine 06.07.2014

Cults. #100creativedays Day 74

Cults? What a strange topic Sharona... But not at all!

Cult Topic #1
After devouring the first season of "The Following" about a year ago, I got my paws on the second season recently. It follows the fictional cult following of a serial killer, Joe. He is devastatingly handsome and has a thing for Edgar Allan Poe. How can I help but swoon? I do have a bit of a thing for a good serial killer TV series, I've got the next season of "Hannibal" all lined up... And need to see the end of season 2 of "Bates Motel". *running blood thirsty little hands together *

Cult Topic #2
Family... While not strictly a cult... We are extremely loyal and proud. I do so love a blood relation for the pure narcissistic pleasure of seeing physical elements of myself reflected in the faces of others. Come to think of it, humour, tastes and idiosyncrasies run thick too. The Squire and I are as identical as is humanly possible. I got to spend time with extended family today, which is a real joy. All the perfect noses! :) isn't genetics a wonder???

Cult Topic #3
Cult movies. There are certain movies that everyone needs to see. I have a growing list of movies that I haven't seen - it took me years to finally see "Dirty Dancing" and "Rocky Horror" - and I keep meaning to catch up. Tonight I did the next best thing and showed The Squire two cult classics in my book. I couldn't believe he'd missed out on them until now! We started with "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" because everyone needs to know the origin of "whatta you mean you don't eat no MEAT.... Ah, don't worry, I make lamb" and the classic "inside the lump they found teeth and a spinal column... Yes, inside the lump it was my twin"
Our second film was "Ferris Buella's Day Off" - do I even need to justify it? Classic, classic 80's everything. If you haven't seen it, just watch it!!!

Night night kids, I need another hit of "The Following"...

Exhausted Girl #100creativedays Day 73

Too tired to think, I've stared at this screen on and off for an hour, while watching "Deadbeat" - a silly series about a lazy guy who can see ghosts... Yeah, that's how brain dead I am.

A friend is away for a few days so I've been looking in on his kitten. A really sweety... Check out our very filtered selfie :)

Night kids

Say it now #100creativedays Day 72

Every so often I try to spread some love and joy. Usually by random whatsapp message. It isn't difficult and you will be surprised by the results. Since I have been more intentional about it and started listening to my intuition, I've had a surprising number of friends commenting on my well timed messages!
 

An easy way to start is with "good night" or "good morning" messages. I love these kinds of messages, especially when I'm single because it is a very typical "couple" kind of thing. Why not let a friend that they were on your mind just before you drift off or the first person you thought of in the morning. Add a term of endearment, if appropriate! If you dreamt of a friend and it wasn't an awkward dream, tell them.
 

"Good morning beautiful, I dreamt that we were judges on talent show for penguins... How weird?"
 

Another lovely way to brighten someone else's day is with a quote. If you go with cheesy, make it super ironically cheesy. I prefer a more sincere or spiritual quote, or anything about cats ;)

I also enjoy a random "I love you" message. I honestly say it very often, but I mean it. If you love someone, why shouldn't they know? OK again, where appropriate... Don't text your friend's partner a random "I love you"... Unless you're super tight... Even then, read the situation.
 

Message an old friend now...make their day!
 

Done? Now spread it further, be friendly to cashiers and petrol attendants, even the Big Issue seller... Just smile, say thank you, comment on the weather, sympathise with a late shift - anything, just treat them as equals.
 

Do all of this without agenda or expectation of reciprocity. Spread love and save the world.

xoxo
 

Creative Cooking #100creativedays Day 71

Exhausted and drifting off... I keep imagining a morning where I might sleep in...one day... Or an early night. Gosh.
 

I whipped up a little Mexican feast for The Mutual Friends, a motley crew of The Squire's friends who I have come to love as my own... Hee hee.
 

They have had a standing reservation at a local Mexican restaurant for years, but things have been weird with service and short paying - too political for the average person. I have a standing Wednesday commitment of my own so hardly ever get a chance to see this group. With the assurance that 75% of them are now boycotting the whole get together, I needed a plan.
 

So The Squire and I hosted a Mexican dinner at home for a total steal of R30 a head towards costs.

Honestly I blew my own socks off! With a slim budget, I served up:

Corn Chowder
Cheesy nachos
Chilli Con Carne
Beans
Fixings for borrittos (cheese, guacamole, sour cream, lettuce)
 

And sweet almond sugar cookies known as "Mexican Wedding Cakes"
 

OK I fell asleep for a few moments now, enjoy photos.
 

A note #100creativedays Day 70

Hey

I blotched last night's post and need to sort it out asap.

I did some baking tonight, but the details need to be kept under wraps until tomorrow, I'm hosting a Mexican dinner. Exciting hey?

I'm not going to waffle on, its late and I don't sleep enough. I lost a chunk of time when I fell down an internet rabbit hole. Reading about adoption of all things.

Check out this blog if adoption etc interests you, especially from a Christian point of view.

WWW.iamnotthebabysitter.com

Kinda in love over here... #100creativedays Day 69

My life is pretty damn good.
Am I getting what I want or just being more grateful for what I have?

 

Earlier today the following appeared on my timeline.

 

Yes!! A friend met her and got me her autpgraph! How spoilt am I?

After a total fluff up last night, I still managed to get the opportunity to see Tori Amos live. She is seriously an incredible musician. My heart stopped for a second with the first bars of every song.
"Winter" actually reduced me to tears.... *sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes #100creativedays Day 68

Sometimes things don't go to plan.

We had a bizarre evening. Like in a horror movie, where you say the monster's name too many times and it happens... We said "imagine if we missed the concert" too many times and it actually happened.

Tori Amos of all artists. She blows my socks off live. I saw her live a few years ago and she was phenomenal. I decided that I couldn't afford to see her this time round, I'm on a strict budget and debit repayment plan. Then like a miracle I was given a ticket. GIVEN. Then this happens, because unlike a huge concert, we didn't see a crowd and went to get dinner... Very posh dinner.

So we had a delicious fancy meal, an altercation with a waiter and caught 35 out of 75 minutes of Tori...
It felt very weird. We'd had a good evening but it didn't go to plan...

3 of the 5 of us are going to try again tomorrow... Fingers crossed for tickets... I will just find the budget... Half a show was not enough!

Sunny Winter Day #100creativedays Day 67

"Tree
Sun
Dappled shade
Eyes shut tight
Against the light

Bird
Cat
Crackling shriek
Ears shut tight
Against the fight"

Sharon Paine 28.06.14

I think this could be worked on.

I pottered around in my balcony garden today with good results. I should have snapped a photo. I love how gardening makes me feel and should maintain my plants more lovingly. Arizona helped out and left perfect muddy foot prints across my white sheets... How can I be cross? She is so cute!

Xxx

Elle #100creativedays Day 66

"I wrote his name
On a leaf
And dropped it down the well

I wrote your name
On my heart
And down that hole I fell

You wrote your name
On my skin
And your pride began to swell

You wrote her name
On your heart
And I wailed like a bell."

Sharon Paine 27.06.2014

What Is Love? #100creativedays Day 65

Love is Arizona's soft fur and the secret scent of warm kitten between her shoulders.

Love is looking at an ultrasound photo from a friend and bursting into tears over the absolute perfect miracle of life.

Love is forgiveness, like a calm after the storm. Teary eyes and desperate hugs after an amends.

Love is not lonely. It's a quiet assurance that someone thinks that you matter, and better yet, knowing that someone matters to you.

Dark & Stormy #100creativedays Day 64

"I'm huddled
Hidden
In the dark.

Straining
My eyes
I just make out the outlines
Of my fingers
Silly little fingers
That used to weave
Between your fingers
That used to weave
Stories in the air
Dreams for us
Silly little fingers

Why did I shout?
And stamp
my silly little feet?
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Heart tearing to pieces
Watching you shrug
And leave

Cheeks smeared with tears
Cheeks that you used to stroke
A heart stopped
My heart used to hammer in my chest
All I feel now is a hollow ache
As I think of
My silly little fingers
Weaving stories in the air"

Sharon Paine 25.06.2014

Honestly? #100creativedays Day 63

Apparently I'm too hard on myself but on the other hand I'm told I can do anything that I put my mind to? Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough?

I didn't work out today. I did work on the couch though. And cooked lunches for the next couple of days. And made an amends to someone I love. And did some laundry. Besides working a normal day - where I cried and felt overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. Its so counter productive, like being glued to the floor just when you need to outrun the zombies... Running, that's not something that I'm sure I can even do anymore.

Sobriety is so blatantly raw, and I don't get to hide anymore or run away. Everything is so bloody present. I don't get to put the dimmer on, everything is so in my face. Then a voice in my head screams at me for being ungrateful. Isn't this stark reality better than the years of lies? Isn't it better to feel broke because you're actually paying off debt? Instead of just spending with little regard for the financial consequences? It's like hankering after an unhealthy ex boyfriend.

I feel hard by done over fitness and diet. But I'm the one making the rules.

One day at a time I guess? I got stuff done today. I didn't cheat on my diet. I will be OK... I do need a decent massage pronto though...

Gym Kitten #100creativedays Day 62

 

This comic basically sums up my late evening. My eating has been out of control, as you know from my carb induced rants. And I seriously needed to make a plan. You wouldn't believe the hotties and gym addicts that I hang out with, I need to match up! This year has flown and before I know it summer will be here!

 

SO! I decided that yoga and pedicure would help me towards getting ready for Summer. I have a few yoga videos, plenty of floor space and my own mat, so yoga at home is great. Except when Arizona decided to pounce at my head and punch me in the ears, just as I was transitioning from Downward Dog to Plank. I perservered, although being chewed on and rubbed against don't really aid relaxation.

 

I feel good as I hop into bed post shower and even managed to reach my toes well enough to paint them a dazzing "Heart to Heart" red. :)

 

Running tomorrow.... yes....

 

 

Because I'm Happy #100creativedays Day 61

"Too tired to write
A whole essay
Against sleep I fight
So it would be messy"

Wow that was awful.

I had a wonderful weekend of connecting with dear friends, making new friends, celebrating the return of a best friend, and really falling in love with my family. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved them, but I appreciate them more and more everyday. They are so dear and precious.

There is so much that I could say, but I feel the exhaustion of a happy kid, and Arizona is expecting bedtime cuddles.

Carb Coma #100creativedays Day 60

Goodness me... I need to stop my social binge eating... Another night of a bloated and overfull tummy! I start the days so well and by late afternoon, all hell breaks loose.

Mom's birthday tomorrow... Then I need to shun the carbs... But I made Monday pizza plans.... *groan*

Fond Regrets #100creativedays Day 59

Fond regrets... It sounds like the salutation at the end of a negative RSVP.

I don't like to say that I regret my own decisions, especially now that I'm sober. So I'm not saying that I regret some of my decisions today, just that they weren't all well thought out, specifically with regards to food.

Good decisions today include: my outfit, totally cute and comfy combo of a Nordic print mini with tights, ankle boots and topped with an oversized, drop shouldered jersey in marled grey rib that my mom got from Hypermarket in the 90's - my dad had an identical one! I got so many compliments! Maybe also because for the last few days I've actually bothered with make up? A light brush of concealer, eyeliner, mascara and sometimes a smear of neutral eye-shadow. I'm a hottie!

I was also very honest today and as a result had some very meaningful chats with a variety of people. Why not share my experience, strength and hope? I also reaped the rewards of tolerance and forgiveness.

In light of all this awesomeness, my gluttony and resulting sore swollen belly seem irrelevant? I will fondly decline to confess...

Winter Gosh #100creativedays Day 58

I will waffle tonight. Its bloody cold so I'm cocooned in blankets, typing with my thumb, Arizona is sitting heavily on my arm... Wait, she must be reading over my shoulder because she gave a reluctant "meuw" and climbed down to my feet.

OK, where are we? 37 weeks sober tomorrow. (OK I feel like I'm in a Disney movie, predictive text preempted the three words following 37)

Am I so cold because I'm dead already? No, the afterlife doesn't have upstairs neighbours with high heel wearing toddlers.

Wow, easily distracted.

So I'm crazy sober and cold. Game of Thrones Season 4 is done and another year stretches out before us... I was disappointed by the season finale. No one else thought so... Was I over tired or expecting too much? The end of episode 8 was so hectic that nothing compares.

Online dating seems pointless... I don't need insecure strangers pointing out that I don't have a gym addiction. No Darling, gym is not one of the many addictions I battle with daily. And I thank my lucky stars, at least my arms lie flush against my body... And are soft to lie on.

And the little boy who asked me over to his house... I doubt dinner was on offer. So I told him I'm not Mr Delivery... Nor am I stupid enough to risk my life... He had to agree that if he was a girl he wouldn't go to strange boys' houses... Then why pray tell expect me to?

What else to tell? I recognised my pattern of getting boyfriends in winter and discarding them in January... Not necessarily the proceeding January, but it seems significant. OK maybe its happened twice. The other pattern of two is my Nov till Feb pattern - it covers my birthday, Christmas, New Years and the ends before Valentine's Day.

Anyone care to psychoanalyse?

Enough drivel, I need to do the horrible winter bathroom dash...

Hipster Addict #100creativedays Day 57

Quick post after a long day.

I have developed a real need for milk over the last few months, specifically chocolate milk... If you ignore the sugar, they're a pretty low fat treat :)

This does suddenly bring to mind a conversation I had with a friend about my recurring nausea and cramps... He suggested cutting down on milk... Whoops!
First thought is "I can't give up milk!" - honey, you haven't had a drink in 8.5 months... I think you can test the milk theory for a week....

Funny hey?

Playing In The Sun #100creativedays Day 56

 

 

All photos by Sharon Paine, on location at Vergelegen

http://www.vergelegen.co.za/