Long Weekend, Toddler Style : Day 74 #100daysofwriting

 

I hope you can see the infographic clearly enough.

I've often said that part of me hasn't matured past toddler stage and I think I'm ok with that. Obviously I've worked hard to curb the tantrums, irresponsibility and immature thinking, but the fun bits remain.

 

I could totally hide in a blanket fort, snooze and eat pizza for a whole day. Arizona (my cat) loves to give me attention on the toilet. I'm a total cookie bandit and usually manage to weasel extra cookies. I derive joy out of a good grocery shop - especially a trolley full of fruit. Brother and Arizona are my captive audience when it comes to made up songs and impromptu dance performances in the kitchen. My mom applauds most of my creative endeavours (unless the poetry gets too dark and scary).

 

I tend to say NICE things to strangers about their appearances.   

 

On that note... I'm off for a nap, I hope I dream about pizza.

Biscuit Bandits : Day 60 #100daysofwriting

I have the privilege of a special connection with my friend's 3 year old daughter. We really are extremely silly together.

This morning we set off to hunt down the chocolate biscuits that are served with post-church coffee. We both have a penchant for these treats.

Alas we were too late, but I know they keep stock. Like a couple of seasoned con artists - Little One slipped into character with a pout, and I asked the team on duty if they didn't perhaps have an extra biscuit... Obviously I managed to wangle one for me too.

As we walked away from the counter, the following conversation goes down:

Little One: Why do they keep the biscuits in that drawer?

Me: You noticed that too?

Little One: (nods)

Me: So, here's the plan. You create a diversion and I grab the biscuits.

Little One: (giggles)

Me: So you grab your leg and say "Ow, ow, my leg" and then everyone will run to you. Then I can get to the biscuits.

For the record, we didn't go through with our caper. However, a little while later when someone spoke to her about biscuits...

Little One: I know where the biscuits are... In the drawer... I just hold me leg and say owowow

I should be ashamed that I'm a bad influence... But I'm really so proud.

YOUR CONCEPT OF MY BEAUTY.

First a thought – why when someone sees my photo online and they message me to tell me I’m beautiful/pretty/sexy, do they not say it to my face? Suddenly they are very encouraging of my exercise program because I “carry more weight than suits my bone structure”. I didn’t want their sycophantic praise to begin with, and I certainly don’t want their critique. Ok granted they don’t call me fat every time, but I really want to start poking my finger at their wild chest hair growth and point out that I will never be able to wear heels near them without towering above them, and that they smell funny, or need a pedicure. Don’t get me wrong, I could learn to love a Hobbit, but not when they are calling me an Umpa Lumpa!

Ok, I am grossly exaggerating but sometimes it’s an overall perception rather than hard fact in life?

Sometimes I feel pretty, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I love my outfit, sometimes I don’t. I spent too much time in the sun this weekend and now my skin is an itchy cage for my soul. When it comes to sunscreen I’m damned if I do and stand a 50 % chance of being damned if I don’t. I’m allergic to sunscreen in my old age. I’m also partially allergic to the outdoor. I get hives. My lips dry out and crack. As I type my face feels like an itchy desert mask but I’ve drunk 3 litres of water and resorted to nipple cream as a moisturiser. Do I feel pretty – NO.

This is at risk of being a full blown pity party. Can’t I just be pretty? Can’t someone just say it for real who isn’t another girl or biologically linked to me? Yes, I’m probably just having a bad day, but for Franks Sake!!!!

 

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm pretty funny, pretty insane and pretty much me.

 

 

I'm just here for your entertainment #100creativedays Day 100

Last day of #100creativedays - so that also means its day 300 of sobriety and 100 days till my birthday!! And one sleep until I reveal my next project!

I am shirking my writing obligations to share www.theawkwardyeti.com with you. I just lost a chunk of my life to these genius comics! Full credit to the Yeti, but I have to share some "Brain & Heart" - so so so my internal battle when it comes to budgeting and punctuality... Ooo Brain      battles Stomach too...

Typical #100creativedays Day 92

So... A day without tea and nonsense... Between 18:45 and 19:00 I had three cups of tea in rapid succession. I'm not sure that I'm prepared to address this addiction... Friendship are built not destroyed over a cup of tea. Tea helps me make decisions, doesn't scramble my brain.

I've also binged on Facebook a bit... And used up my data until Friday! OK more like I found a series of vlog posts on YouTube, by a German man, Flula, who take English metaphors and idioms literally with hilarious commentary.

The first video that I watched was his take on "party pooper" - hilarious. His take on "dropping the kids at the pool" really made me chuckle.... And once I have data again, I'm looking forward to "skeletons in the closest".

Maybe its better that I can't watch more videos now, my bladder is rather full...

Faux Romance #100creativedays Day 49

Great title.
Now for content...

Internet dating, I know you like to read about that. OK, so, claiming that I need content for my writing and even more bizarre stories, I launched back into online dating and added a nifty match making app to the mix. I use the word nifty in jest, its plain bizarre. I'm not going to name sites as I neither wish to promote nor criticize.

Anyway, these guys! Seriously, has Hollywood not made it clear that serial killers lurk around every corner? Didn't I mention my obsession for crime shows? A marathon of "Criminal Minds" taught me more than enough about real life. That said - why would a man suggest that a girl come over to his house for the initial meet? Crime scenarios aside, I'm afraid I may be greeted by said man draped in a shorty kimono with Barry White crooning in the background. Or maybe he's only asked me round to babysit the twins while he goes on a real date....

Then we have the super lonely hearts... How many times can you mention your ex in one conversation? What? She left you at the alter? Please tell me all... Yes I'm a great listener.... Not.
I've just drifted off into a fantasy of popping a laxative into any offenders coffee... But the considerate lad might gas me with stench rather than skip out on a free therapy session.

I've also come across a new breed of "sorta single"... Do I look like I want your crazy girlfriend phoning me? I already have a stranger trying to dictate my access to a guy friend. I don't share well, nor do I deal well with other peoples issues of trust and integrity.

Hope you had a chuckle. ;) more venting another time

Xxx

A Bedtime Story #100creativedays Day 23

One dark and stormy night, as the wind howled and the rain lashed, a stressed out little princess hid under a tree. How had she come to be outside on such a horrid night? Well this is her tale of woe...

The little princess was heavy hearted, broken hearted and over strained. Her shoulders hurt, her head hurt and her jaw made a weird clicking sound when she tried to eat. She was very weary.

In absolute frustration, she send a decree to all the land, asking for relief of her stressful curse. Many wise people and a few fools sought audience with the little princess. They brought her pills and lotions, they taught her chants, they stuck needles in her shoulders... But she only sighed deeper and felt more forlorn.

Eventually a wrinkly old man came to the kingdom with a scroll. He did not say a word, and just handed the princess the scroll. Upon the scroll was written "reach for the stars".

In desperation, the little princess stood on the edge of her balcony and reached up as high as she could. Truly believing the answer lay in the stars. Suddenly, she felt a mighty shove and fell off the balcony. She landed in a crumpled heap in a puddle, and dragged herself to the shelter of a nearby tree.

Looking up to the balcony, she saw the old man, and he screeched at her "now you REALLY have something to be miserable about you silly little bitch"

THE END

How am I supposed to stop myself??

 I

 Can't

 Frikken

 Wait!

 

 THREE SLEEPS TILL ARIZONA ARRIVES.

"You just need the light of your imagination"

 

This ad is hilarious... and I'm sure to find out how true it is very soon!

Four sleeps until I am a kitten mom!

 

NSFW

Had to chuckle when I saw ecard... I'm one of those people who gets caught demonstrating a yoga position or accepting a push-up challenge at work, oblivious to everyone else in the office...

Why not?

I dance in the grocery store too...

Zoot Suits & Candy

Brother has been pretty strict about junk food intake, so when he said “Let’s put on Suits and eat these…” while waving chocolates, I was dizzy with excitement. For the longest time, one of my (many) turns of phrase has been “Zoot Suit” – which often, but not exclusively, refers to pyjamas…. So I rushed off, with Brother following me and started changing into pjs…. Only for Brother to ask “what are you doing?”… then I realised…. He meant the series…. We’d said we’d settle down the 2nd season of Suits…

*chuckle* loving my new life

Faux Ginger Woes

When one decides to go RED, one should think of the fashion implications.... last weekend I went shopping and headed to the fitting room with a gorgeous coral coloured dress.... totally forgetting that I am now a redhead.... Coral and redheads don't mix too well... I had a real "bitch please" moment when I saw myself in the mirror with a coral dress in hand. Truth be told it wasn't horrendous on, but not ideal....

I did bravely wear a red top to work the other day and manged to pull it off... Obviously, because I'm me :P

I suppose I just need to get used to the change, I've had enough compliments to know that I wasn't a mistake.

:)