Not Perfect : Day 99 #100daysofwriting

Vegging on a couch, babysitting and trying not to dwell on the fact that I've avoided posting all week. My weekend was amazing but I've been pretty down this week. The kind of down that you can't pinpoint the cause, you're just exhausted and drained.

I'm much better now and it really was just a dark cloud but it's hard to write in that space - you'd think not but the creativity dwindles and self pity sets in.

I really need a healing weekend. Maybe with a fresh canvas and some paints. Oh, on the note of painting - "Art Sauce" on Roeland St is amaaaazing. Buy all my birthday presents there please!!!

I suppose it is ok that I missed a few posts and I will catch them up. I'm not sure that I'm going to launch a new 100 day challenge on Saturday... a photography one on instagram maybe?

I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow... I need it.

99 Problems... but : Day 93 #100daysofwriting

It's been just over three weeks since I declared myself celibate for three months. It's a state of mind more that physical restraint because I've certainly gone longer than three months without a smooch in the past. I've sworn off online dating  (the idea is forever), flirting, crushing and chasing.

How this looks is : I deleted all phone numbers of random boys, deleted all dating apps, don't allow myself to check out guys (just look away) and am guarding against any pursuit of male company (other than already friend zoned boys). I'm pursuing female friendships and trying to be supportive of others. If someone asked me on a date I'd say no, arrange a group hang out or take them to church. It's actually very freeing to just check out of the scene for a while.

As I look around and see friends still engaged in the pursuit, or friends dealing with broken hearts... It's great to feel so detached from the merry-go-round.

Honestly? Day 92 #100daysofwriting

Honestly today was hard. The pain in my neck, shoulders and jaw are extreme. It actually runs right down my back and into my bum. I hate complaining because I know people live with worse pain. How I don't know.

I went to physio yesterday and still feel bruised. I know I just need to let my body heal but I feel like my muscles are in fire. My head hurts so much that noises smash against my temples.

I'm lying in bed now wondering if I should move my clock into the lounge. Thank goodness the kid upstairs has stopped running laps.

I'm sore and tired, plus on a mission to develop healthy sleep patterns... so good night x

Sleeping Beauty : Day 91 #100daysofwriting

Sleep.
I have a very weird relationship with sleep. I struggle to get to sleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning. I can sleep all day and afternoon naps are parr for the course on weekend afternoons.

Getting to sleep at night is pretty much a fight with my inner toddler. I seem afraid of missing out on life. Sometimes I get stuck into a book or series. Sometimes I'm really anxious. Sometimes it's too bright in my room. Or I'm cold. Or Arizona is restless. When I drank I usually had wine before bed so sleep came easily.

Waking up seems to be hindered by the same stubbornness. A reluctance to face the world and my responsibilities. It wasn't always like this. Obviously earlier to bed would help!

Sometimes I totally crash and have a bed day - I can sleep the whole day when I'm run down. I'm not sure how healthy it is because I usually wake up dehydrated and starving. Arizona loves these days! I'm really hankering for a bed day soon! The irony is it is never too bright for day sleeping, it only matters at night! Naps I suppose are mini versions and are usually a few hours long.

I really do enjoy sleeping and usually dream, so I don't know why I am so stubborn about going to sleep! I'm very determined to improve in this area! Wish me luck!

DEFY : Day 90 #100daysofwriting

I'm writing my own mantra here... Do Everything For You. Yes... DEFY.

 

This isn't about being selfish, it's about making changes for you, not for anyone else. I stopped drinking to save my own life. I need to eat well and exercise for my own well being - not to conform to someone elses ideal for me.

 

I've got into a stage of neglecting myself. I got stressed and didn't exercise - now I'm in horrible pain with my neck, shoulders and jaw... again. My teeth actually ache. I've booked a session with my physio in the morning to help unclench the knots I've tied.

 

I was directed to an article in the Dailymail about the link between stress, tension and breathing. It made so much sense - I breathe short and shallow, sometimes even holding my breath and sighing. It's all terribly unhealthy!

 

I really need to get serious about yoga classes again. It will take some sacrifice and better time management but I'm falling apart without it! It doesn't matter if I look fat or clumsy - I need to breathe, I need to stretch.

 

Hope I can give a positive report back soon!

 

Midnight Snack : Day 89 #100daysofwriting

Ironically I'm not writing at midnight,  for a change, but I am feeling seriously snackish.

I realised today that I'm 6 weeks away from a weight loss deadline and I'm really not making an effort. Eating cake today and not making time for gym - well it's looking like the norm rather than the exception.

I'm not going to beat myself up, tomorrow is a new day. I will however just lie in bed obessing about food. *sigh*

I actually just really crave a Peanut Butter Bliss smoothie from Kauai. (And no this isn't a sponsored post, but I will accept free smoothies) It is packed with peanut butter, chocolate, banana, low fat milk and frozen yoghurt. Yes please.

I really crave peanuts when I'm hungry. It's probably the protein. The more natural the better. I love red skin peanuts and avoid the small oily ones.

Chocolate is a given. As is the dairy.

Bananas - I've had a strange relationship with them. Hating them as a toddler. Picking my own from my grandpa's tree as a kid. Now only grabbing fruit in general when I really need a sugar burst. Bananas do remain my favourite source of quick energy between meetings.

Ok I better go to sleep now... maybe I can feast in my dreams.

Penguin Love Triangle : Day 88 #100daysofwriting

I went to a penguin rehab/sanctuary with a few friends today. (It's called Sancob). Besides being amazed at the facilities and learning that penguins swallow fish whole... I was struck by their love-lives.

So, they have one permanent resistant penguin who isn't an African Penguin like the others. I'm not going to Google her breed, but she has those long yellow eyebrows.

Anyway, the sanctuary tried to bring in a husband for her - cos penguins are all about life commitments - and they didn't click at all! Instead she fell in love with a married penguin and now stands outside his nest  declaring her love and pissing off his wife... yeah dude... it is way to close to home!

I hardly ever fall for the guy I'm supposed to love... It's always the unavailable and unsuitable. I don't think an arranged marriage would work for me either. I can't believe I'm just like that lonely penguin!

On a side note... we learned that a local wild penguin colony has a problem with infidelity... throw in rumours of homosexuality... oh and the only way to gender identify a penguin is with a blood test... I think we have the makings of a very indentifiable reality show on our hands.

I am starting to wonder if my spirit animal is a penguin...

Cloudy Moon, Cloudy Sun : Day 87 #100daysofwriting

Last night I looked at the sky, as lightening flashed and saw the moon mostly hidden by clouds. I felt like I was in a werewolf movie. It's amazing how a cloud covered moon creates an air of supernatural danger.

That might sound like a tired cliche but wait.

When ever a see the sun covered by clouds, and I mean the sunbeaming backlit kind, not the cold grey hidden  Sun. I think of Jesus ascending to heaven. My granny had a Bible story book with the exact scene depicted.

Anyway, I was just struck by the similarity but opposite connotations.

Someone There : Day 86 #100daysofwriting

Read my palm
Look at the leaves
Give me something
In which to believe
Beat the drum
Clang the chimes
Tell me I'm not
Completely out of time
Write out your prediction
Swear it in blood
Channel the spirit
Of absolute love

Reflecting on my past : Day 85 #100daysofwriting

Once upon a time, ten years ago, I worked shifts in a retail store. One week early, one week late. It was a fun time of life. 

At that time I was dating a professional skateboarder-slash-model with a flexible schedule. He used to say that he loved how I always had my beach umbrella in the boot. I remember working a late shift with sea sand in my ears because I'd rolled into work straight from the beach.

How is it that I earned so little and worked so much, yet I was so happy. Have I forgotten something? Was it all that sunshine? The boy? Or the utter lack of serious responsibility?

I sometimes hanker for those store days. Where I'd hang out with my friends while we folded shirts with military precision. Chatting up customers (that's actually how I met the skater) and competing for sales. Merchandising clothes.

Strange how I now choose and develop stock for those stores now. I've been with the company for 11.5 years already. Can you even believe that?

Back to care free and happy. I think it's the sunshine... I need more beach this summer...

More Of The Same : Day 84 #100daysofwriting

The road stretches
To a blur
The horizon
Shows no hope
Hurtling towards
More of the same
Stones rattle
And spray noisy dust
Sonny and Cher
Croon on the radio
I stare at my feet
Pressed against the dash
Chipped dark paint
A ragged healing scar
Missed blonde hairs
Glint at sunset
I examine your profile
Crinkled eyes
And dry lips
The mole on your neck
I close my eyes
Sigh
And smile
As we hurtle
Towards
More of the same

All Caught Up: Day 79 #100daysofwriting

I'm playing with words with this title - seeing as it is the last of the posts that I needed to catch up on.

The theme of my life lately seems to be stress. I'm not unhappy or screaming. I'm just tired and my tummy hurts. We have a lot going on at work. My dreams are very vivid. I'm working on my myself in relation to my approach to people. Writing everyday is not always a welcomed escape and feels like a chore sometimes. I can't really just vent the same stuff everyday online, I should be a little upbeat, right?

My friends seem to be in the same state, family too. So we all play schedule Tetris to try and shoe horn some social time. Often, even on weekends, I leave the flat in the morning laden with supplies to last me till 10pm - trailing lunchboxes, jackets, sneakers, books, beauty products... the works. I find myself sitting in traffic munching a chicken breast between engagements, or applying mascara and catching up on emails. All very amazing multitasking woman, but I'm drained.

This morning I woke up stressed, so I got into Shavasana (the corpse pose in yoga) and did some deep breathing. I felt it was necessary to pull my duvet over my head. Arizona got very concerned and sat on my chest trying to save me from hyperventilation under the covers. I suppose I tried.

But really, I'm ok. Told a colleague today that I'm too busy to worry about any mistakes I'm making or things I've forgotten - tell me and I will sort it out. I can't stop moving long enough to slip into self pity. I just need a holiday!!!

Come on Summer... the sun always helps!

Decompress : Day 83 #100daysofwriting

Stretch up
Lie down
Twist left
Bend right
Nothing shakes the feeling
Sit up
Lean down
Turn left
Bow right
Nothing releases the tension
Up
Down
Left
Right
Toss
Turn
Twist gently
Bend
Break
Breathe deeply
Nothing shakes the tension

Day 80 #100daysofwriting

This is a catch up post.

Day 80 fell on Saturday the 15th. My challenge days fall beautifully in line with my days of sobriety, so Saturday was my 680th sober day and marked 50 days till my 2 years. Hush, hush... we can't be sure of the future, so we quickly mumble "God willing" and rap our knuckles on a table.

Rap... a knocking sound... or a type of music. Does R.A.P. stand for something? Repetitive Angry Poetry? Strangely enough, those are Brother's initials too.

Back to contemplating my sobriety. Someone said to me "It's a pity that you can't drink anymore" - I turned that over and over in my mind. I physically can drink alcohol. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol.

Same story for the common question of, "Do you think you will ever be able to drink again?" - I never lost the ability. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol. I don't regret my past but that's what it is, the past.

I also really like racking up my clean days. I don't need praise, I just like to count them. I don't ever want to have to start at 1 again. If that keeps me plodding along then I'm happy to count.

That makes me think about how when I went for the tattoo on my ribs, the pain was unbearable until Brother got me to count out loud. Maybe it calms me somehow, even if counting sheep isn't my thing...

Adios x

Ritual Cleaning : Day 82 #100daysofwriting

Cold
Crisp
Clean
Wrinkled
Washed
White
Sheets without dreams
Beaten out
Churned
Rinsed away
Awaiting
Warmth
Tussled dream kicks
Reluctant sleepy heads
Late night conversation
And kitten feet

Will You Go Out With Me? : Day 81 #100daysofwriting

Brother and I watched a movie called "Beautiful Creatures" last night. It's based on a series of young adult books, but the supernatural is the girl rather than the boy. Unfortunately the movie was not a hit at the box office so I'm not anticipating any sequels. Strangely enough we tend to love movies that get bad reviews.

I really identified with the girl - feeling like the freak with secrets. Call it cheesy but I really do struggle with the fear that I won't be accepted for who I really am.

The mortal boy did a great job of making the poor isolated supernatural girl feel wanted. With his small town Southern manners he woo'ed the heck out of her. Gosh I even swooned a little.

I'm taking a break from romance/dating/crushes/looking so I guess swooning over movies is a bit borderline but I really do like the idea of being pursued. Call this research into what is worthy of my  patience.

Loosely based on a conversation in the movie, this is how I reckon it should be.

Boy: Will you go out with me?

Girl: yes

Boy: Can we go to a movie on Friday?

Girl: No, I have a family thing

Boy: Then Saturday? Say yes!

Girl: Yes

Boy: Can I see you tomorrow?

Girl: Yes

At the risk of generalizing, I don't feel like I've really allowed anyone to woo me. I tend to just try and control everything... horrid right?

It also made me think of when I was about 10 and I'd older girl told me a boy had asked her to "go out" with him. I kept asking "When?" - I couldn't understand why a proper plan hadn't been made... I suppose I'm still like that... don't give me vague concepts, what's the plan?

Crushing Consternation : Day 78 #100daysofwriting

Galaxies
Written on dusty palms
Constellations
Crushed under tired heels
Words half heard
Forgotten
Thrown back
Angry lashings
Sea on stone
Worn down by words
Expectations
Snapped and dangerous
Wielded like swords
To fight a horrible fight
Wave after wave
Crashing
Crushing
Hands slap
Mock applause
Galaxies smear
Heels click
Exhausted

More Labels? : Day 77 #100daysofwriting



This little gem from Pinterest sums me up pretty well. I've always struggled with the introvert vs extrovert label. I've identified as shy and introverted, while most people experience me as open and extroverted. 

There is a big difference between having the confidence to share a view in a meeting or with close friends. Either I'm on stage or I'm in a place of no judgement. 

Drinking helped with the facade of loud mouth party girl but inside I was dying for attention and affirmation, or chasing oblivion from my emotions. Obviously it didn't work.

Like a little girl showing off I crave attention and affirmation - so maybe that's where the false bravo came in, even when I was little and sober.

I've battled with social anxiety for years, a diagnosis of depression and my recent sobriety do nothing to ease the panic when I'm in a room full of strangers. I don't even know if people realise. I hate small talk and that's probably why I come across as either aloof or way too open.

As I learn to be happy in my open company, I'm a bit afraid that I'm becoming withdrawn. Truth is I'm focussing my attention on things that matter to me. To build deep friendships where very personal conversations are appropriate. Where I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.

So maybe I'm an introvert... leave me alone now.

Why does my cat hate me? : Day 76 #100daysofwriting

This isn't a profound veterinary article, this is me lamenting Arizona's recent neglect of me.

It is cold. I am needy. She sleeps on a cushion next to my bed now instead of with me. Right this minute I can hear her calling for Brother. What did I do?

I was between smart phones for a week and didn't post any photos of her... could it be that?

I've fed, watered, scooped and stroked. I spent many hours in bed being snuggly. Yet I'm neglected.

I came home tonight needing love and she refused to greet me. She'd rather lurk out in the cold than in my warm embrace.

She is almost two years old, could this be teenage rebellion? She would rather hang with her cool uncle than with her old clingy mom? *weeping*

Maybe I should have listened when she said she didn't want to watch reruns of Cougar Town. I tried to explain that second season of Stalker wasn't out yet. Is there even a second season?

Short of rubbing catnip behind my ears... I'm at my wits end... and perhaps exaggerating greatly...

Arizona! Love me again!

Blank : Day 75 #100daysofwriting

I'm uninspired and worn out. Even after a long weekend. I suppose I feel broke too so I'm filled with a type of envy towards people who feel like running around and can spend money. It is a bratty entitlement on my part.

I know I'm just in a slump because my cold has dragged on and I've run out of medical aid. Why no more medical aid? Because I got a grind plate made. I can't wear it though because it forces me to be a mouth breather and my runny nose turns into a sore throat. Can I catch a break already?

Suppose I can be grateful that I'm not without food, shelter, clothes and transport. I have a job. Summer will banish the cold... I just need some gratitude and a reality check.

Long Weekend, Toddler Style : Day 74 #100daysofwriting

 

I hope you can see the infographic clearly enough.

I've often said that part of me hasn't matured past toddler stage and I think I'm ok with that. Obviously I've worked hard to curb the tantrums, irresponsibility and immature thinking, but the fun bits remain.

 

I could totally hide in a blanket fort, snooze and eat pizza for a whole day. Arizona (my cat) loves to give me attention on the toilet. I'm a total cookie bandit and usually manage to weasel extra cookies. I derive joy out of a good grocery shop - especially a trolley full of fruit. Brother and Arizona are my captive audience when it comes to made up songs and impromptu dance performances in the kitchen. My mom applauds most of my creative endeavours (unless the poetry gets too dark and scary).

 

I tend to say NICE things to strangers about their appearances.   

 

On that note... I'm off for a nap, I hope I dream about pizza.

Golden : Day 73 #100daysofwriting

Gold is the summer
Slowly oozing back.
Gold
Fine hairs on my arms
Standing to attention
When gold is hidden by cloud.
Gold rings glint
On searching fingers
Neither promising
Nor committing
Symbol of stolen hedonism.
Gold
The glaze of bread
The drink that froths
Forbidden fruits
On golden afternoons.
And you
My elusive golden boy.

In Vain : Day 72 #100daysofwriting

You type
My name
Out in full
Like I will be
Impressed
Flattered
Compelled
But instead
I hear
Your reedy
Whining voice
In my head
Like a trumpet
Of bad memory
Like a gong
Clattering
In a gale
My name
Is too powerful
For you to even
Utter
In your insipid
Siren
Of a voice
I recoil
To think
Of your fat fingers
Smashing
Across a keyboard
To pound
Out four innocent consonants
And two unsuspecting vowel
Leave my name
To shimmer
In the light
That your very presence
Hides
Destroys
Mocks

Just me? : Day 71 #100daysofwriting

Me: Am I just surround by arseholey people this week or is it me?

Bro: No, you're surrounded by arseholes, that's why I'm being nice to you this week

Me: Oh, so you know I have PMS

Bro: No... you had PMS last week

Me: Nope

Bro: So what was wrong with you last week?

Me: *shrug*

My poor brother... I sometime forget that he doesn't see then nicest side of me and the last few weeks have been a strain. I don't remember being horrid last week, I wasn't even at home more or less than this week. But come to think of it, I've been happier in my soul since Monday evening - maybe back to gym was a good idea. Daily readings, more prayer, more writing, work coming together, less distractions... maybe things are very different? I think I might have been depressed last week? Was I?
I wish I had a handy place that reflected my daily state of mind... oh look, I have a blog! Yup, looks like I had some serious midweek blues last week! ;)

Anyway, glad to be feeling better, love my brother's sense of humour (because the above exchange was actually very funny), and so happy to have a long weekend coming up!!

Peace & love xx

Adequate ; Day 70 #100daysofwriting

I started off my day well, with some recovery and spiritual readings. A line from today's reading in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young really stuck with me.

"Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey."

Admittedly I didn't repeat it over and over in my head right through the day, but it did come to mind a few times. I don't think that I am the only person who felt a little bit inadequate today. We are under such pressure, in a world that really likes to bash what it hates without even noticing what is good. Heck, the industry that I'm in can get really hard-core judgy at times. Fortunately, I do seem to roll with the punches better these days. Or are people less critical? Or have a given then less of a gap to try to unravel me? Maybe all of the above. That said, I do doubt myself and criticise myself in some way every single day. I feel I should write it as EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Obviously my levels of confidence ebb and flow.

Can I break off on a tangent to wonder if ebbing is better than flowing? (let's ask Google) Ok, so do I want to be the tide going out or in? Never mind, they move, my moods and confidence levels move.

So, back to the reading. The bigger theme of the reading was trusting God to have your back right through the day. I know that I don't hand over stuff enough to God during the day, so I need to work on my trust. And what is adequate? Surely I've managed to get through my day if I've managed to eat, drink, walk and not destroy anything? Do I even want to be described as adequate? Do I want to rather "rock my day"? Maybe it feeds into the concept of "not good enough", being adequate means that you are good enough, maybe not excellent, but enough to be of value, or worth?

I'm really tired now. Off to sleep, I plan I be more than adequate tomorrow!

Winning Streak : Day 69 #100daysofwriting

So, I've just caught up my two missing posts, I feel a very good creative flow happening tonight. I better keep this short and informal, not because I'm tired, but rather hungry.

In the hope of getting my life back in line, I've been very strict about my eating over the last two days, managed a good cardio session and got up at a decent time this morning. Progress!

My phone conked out last night so my social contact is decreased, I can still Whatsapp, but I don't have many numbers on my spare phone. I also suspect that most people (read random online men who I am now avoiding, see Day 67) think that I have blocked them because they should only be able to see my profile picture if I actually have them saved as a contact. I'm seeing this whole scenario as divine intervention because talk to strange men is really not benefitting my spiritual well being - I feel a little bit like I've put myself in a position to be rejected, judged and mistreated. Of course there have been some sweet conversations, but after all these years of pen friends and chat groups, a real connection is actually rare until you meet face to face. Perhaps I digress. The point is that I was putting myself under undue pressure by trying to find a boyfriend online. I feel happier now that I've thrown in the towel. Yes it works for some people, but rarely for me, make that never. I have never had a significant romantic relationship with someone from the internet. I've had firm friendships, but never romance. Insanity really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So here is to healthy mind, body and spirit. xoxox

Too Many Options : Day 67 #100daysofwriting

We have too many options and it's making us noncommittal.

Consider things like online dating and dating apps. Goodness me, I've been down that road a few times and felt the rejection. I've also hideously rejected. Or wavered in my attentions. Why? Because we are convinced that something better is around the corner. I've found myself dismissing someone based on their finger nails... ok, maybe no spark too, but those finger nails.... it was never going to work. Manicure? Nah, don't think it would have helped. Let's order our next date off the internet on the way to the car.

Why commit to one pair of jeans when you can have them in every single colour and only wear them once? We don't even need to leave the house to have them all delivered. Alright, admittedly I find it easier to find clothes that I want to keep forever than men. And jeans don't mind time-sharing your legs. Is it just me or did that sound awful? I don't think "bottom" would make it any less dodge.

I suppose we can eat food from all over the world without even hopping in the car, let alone a plane. I live in a very vibrant neighbourhood and have Mexican, Thai, Italian, Jamaican and Portuguese food all within walking distance! I really don't feel the need to choose one venue as my "local".

Honestly, I think it is actually only awful when it comes to dating, and I've had the same conversation with a number of people over the last week. Why choose? Why settle down? Don't we have a desperate need to be accepted and loved, held as favourite? Surely it appeals to have a constant presence in our lives? So why are so many people my age running around in mad circles to date as many people as possible? I'm guilty in my own way, and I really could have been persuaded to have a second date with at least a few of the guys - even the weird nails one. But then again, I have not met anyone that I really clicked with romantically in a very long time? Am I fussy or complex? Maybe sobriety makes me fussy? Or is it careful?

I've decided to just focus on the constants in my life, they need appreciation and attention. I'm tired of all the fickle online shopping.

Happiness ; Day 66 #100daysofwriting

On Saturday night, sandwiched between two lovely friends and a cat too, I watched "Hector and the Search for Happiness" - it's a movie, it is life changing. The whole scenario made me pretty happy (and warm). Oh, "Hector" is based on the book by Francois Lelord - which I hope to read in the next few months (feel free to mail me a Takelot voucher....)               
              

Happiness really does seem to be something that we all want, but rarely find - probably because we are greedy and don't recognise it for what it is. I think of happiness as rather a sense of contentment, acceptance of life and it's circumstances. Am I a happy person? Yes, I actually think that I am. I do also live with depression, but as you should know, depression doesn't actually mean sad. And I suppose that happy doesn't actually mean never sad? Is this getting philosophical?

 

I've been very stressed and under pressure with work. I've been run down. BUT I'm not actually unhappy, I am tired and achy, not sad or dissatisfied.

 

Strangely with "happiness" on my mind the last few days, I came across this Brain & Heart cartoon. It really clicked for me - that most of the time we are literally afraid of being happy. Why do we want to deny ourselves happiness? It's not a hedonistic pursuit, it's pure. I've included Hector's findings below too.

 

Go, be happy xoxo

 

Hoping...

Heartbreak : Day 68 #100daysofwriting

"Creativity is so delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud."
                         —Alex Osborn

I've been absorbing so much sadness and feeling so low that I am struggling to keep up with this challenge. I'm burnt out and I am afraid. On the surface I'm just hanging in there but today I feel like I can't breathe. This isn't a cry for help, probably just a declaration of my fragile state of mind.

I feel like I'm disconnected from truth and joy - somehow lost a little on my journey. I will be ok though and I know exactly what I want to write about on my two "missing posts". I just need to rise above the dark fog. Even writing now makes me feel a little lighter.

I suppose life is full of ups and downs, and it's ok to be down, especially when sad things happen around you, when you feel overwhelmed and when you make mistakes. I will be ok. You will be ok. We will all be ok.

Best Foot Forward : Day 65 #100daysofwriting

I'm lying lazily in my lounge window, lapping up the winter sun. Fully aware that I didn't write last night.

Loving the feeling of bare toes. I had a pedicure last week so my feet are looking Summer ready and adorable.

I've had a strange love affair with feet - mine and others. Not in the fetish for toes sucking kind of way - more like a hectic aversion.

I grew up thinking that feet were filthy and vile. I wouldn't touch someone else's feet or even have them near me. I definitely wouldn't let anyone touch my feet. I barely touched my feet! I'd apply lotion to the top of my feet and then rub them together. I was fine with toe nail care, usually after a good soak.

The idea of reflexology was repulsive and I refused to even think about a professional pedicure.

I'm not sure what changed but I went for a pedicure last year. A proper one, where a stranger files away at your hooves until your feet turn model worthy. It was the most caring and loving act ever. I'm so relieved that I did it. I now give my little feet more love and treat myself to a professional pedicure every few months. 

Juxtaposed : Day 64 #100daysofwriting

I'm in an emotional jumble. In the space of a week I've felt so juxtaposed.

I've mourned the broken shards of a friendship lost because of rejection. But been told by at least three people that I am one of their favourites. I've felt afraid and cowardly, but had my courage praised. I've held a tiny life in my arms and felt heartbreak over life lost.

I could write more, but do you have any idea of the emotions contained in that single paragraph? How complex our lives are, how precious are the moments. And yet, here we stand, alive.

Grown-up Vibes : Day 63 #100daysofwriting

When I find myself in times of trouble.... poetry from my childhood comes to me.

"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:"

 

- Rudyard Kipling 

Life isn't all easy. I make bad decisions. I oversleep, overcommit, overeat but I hardly ever overreact. 

For most people, tantrums stop after childhood, they learn to act rationally. This didn't happen with me, or maybe I just pushed down the urge to freak out more effectively at 3 than at 23. 

Now I'm pushing 33 and I'm glad to report that the whole process of cleaning up my act, working a program and finding God in an authentic way - well I've emotionally matured. I did wonder today if I don't miss all the crying and screaming... I'd be the only one, I think everyone around me is glad that the emotional hurricane has shrunk to an occasional annoying breeze. 

Anyway, just some thoughts on how things have changed in the last two years and new hope for the future. 

Dancing Sober : Day 62 #100daysofwriting

I've never had much of an issue with dancing in public - be it at a wedding, in a club, in my kitchen (ok less public) or the cereal aisle.

I honestly don't care if no one else is dancing, I've never had to be drunk to dance - if I'm not dancing at a party then either I'm pretending to be a wimp like everyone else, or the music is horrible.

I have always rolled my eyes at people who say they need another drink before hitting the dance floor. Now that I'm sober I'm actually a better dancer - maybe it's the improved balance.

Anyway, as I was busting an electric slide in my kitchen this evening to "Uptown Funk", I felt truly happy. Happy to be sober, happy to be dancing, in my own kitchen. Life is very busy and I relish small joys like this.

May you always be able to dance, wherever, whenever, even sober and alone.

Exhale : Day 61 #100daysofwriting

I'm nestled in a warm coffee shop, between social engagements. I'm starting to make a habit of these stolen coffee dates with myself. I had one yesterday too.

I'm especially happy that I'm taking the time to write a post now, rather than leaving it till midnight, to shoehorn into my routine while half asleep or half distracted.

I'm like Ernest Hemingway, just sober, writing furiously at a table in the middle of the bustle of human life. I have no idea of that is at all historically accurate but it is how I imagine it.

The warmth is almost uncomfortable as my fingers defrost from their brush with the night air. I'm so sleepy and hazy, even while clasping a latte. Maybe it's the candlelight? Maybe because I'm slowly decompressing.

This week is going to be so busy and it is probably my own fault for falling into so many engagements. But why shouldn't I have late weeknights? I hardly ever go to bed at a decent time. I'm only cutting into my series watching time. I've already prepped food for the next few days of packed lunches and dinners. I have tomorrow morning's veggie juice lined up. All my laundry is done. Why shouldn't I stay in the bustle of humanity a little longer?

xxx

Biscuit Bandits : Day 60 #100daysofwriting

I have the privilege of a special connection with my friend's 3 year old daughter. We really are extremely silly together.

This morning we set off to hunt down the chocolate biscuits that are served with post-church coffee. We both have a penchant for these treats.

Alas we were too late, but I know they keep stock. Like a couple of seasoned con artists - Little One slipped into character with a pout, and I asked the team on duty if they didn't perhaps have an extra biscuit... Obviously I managed to wangle one for me too.

As we walked away from the counter, the following conversation goes down:

Little One: Why do they keep the biscuits in that drawer?

Me: You noticed that too?

Little One: (nods)

Me: So, here's the plan. You create a diversion and I grab the biscuits.

Little One: (giggles)

Me: So you grab your leg and say "Ow, ow, my leg" and then everyone will run to you. Then I can get to the biscuits.

For the record, we didn't go through with our caper. However, a little while later when someone spoke to her about biscuits...

Little One: I know where the biscuits are... In the drawer... I just hold me leg and say owowow

I should be ashamed that I'm a bad influence... But I'm really so proud.

Rabbit Hole : Day 59 #100daysofwriting

I've always been a little obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. The theme or idea rather than finding myself rereading the two books over and over.

I'd love to be Alice and disappear for a while. However, I have thought of the rabbit hole as a metaphor for addiction and poor judgement!

The more I think about what appeals most, the more I think I need to plan a tea party. I love tea and cake. I love crazy people, rabbits and cats. Did I mention the cake? I love Tweedledum and Tweedledee (still trying to convince my dad and his twin to dress up for me!). I'd like to use proper teacups and saucers. There should be lots of little cakes - not just typical chocolate cake, I want lemon drizzle cupcakes and almond tarts. Oooo and petit fours.

Can I just go and bake now? Gosh, the carb based feast we could have!

Tea from teapots - why don't I constantly have a teapot on my desk? Mugs of tea seem so mainstream.

I'm going off to dream about my tea party... Good night all. X

Youth : Day 58 #100daysofwriting

Freckled limbs
Poke from blue dress
Mouth like a bruise
Against pale skin
Blue eyes float
Above the constellation
Arching over cheeks

I should be writing : Day 57 #100daysofwriting

 

So I totally did not do my post yesterday. My nose was blocked and my head hurt, and no I’m not sick ALL the time – I just have allergies and my grind plate makes it worse because it forced me to be a total mouth breather. So much of the excuses hey?

I should be writing. I am a writer. Writer is the good label that I apply, instead of depressed-alcoholic-single. So why don’t I want to write sometimes? Maybe because I end up complaining to an audience, as above. I have the opportunity to submit some freelance blog posts and I STILL haven’t done them. I think I’m afraid of wasting my time, but I don’t get paid to write this blog, so what should it matter if I write articles that are rejected? Surely all creatives run that risk? They should create for the sake of creating first and money second? It really doesn’t feel like that though, which is irritating.

Affirmation and praise is another driving force. I get some sort of affirmation by the number of hits I get on my blog, but really don’t know if anyone actually enjoys the majority of my posts. I have readers all over the world and that confuses me too – who are you? Yes, you, Dear Reader. What brought you to my blog? No, really, write a comment and tell me. I moderate my comments so if you ask me not to publish it, I won’t, just tell me! It would really help my motivation and confidence as a creative.

So… write to me, ok?

xxx

 

 

His Guitar : Day 56 #100daysofwriting

He plays his guitar
Like a natural
Like breathing
With a lazy rhythm
Fingers in slow motion
Weaving colours
Bursting into imagination
He plays in a way
That makes me want to paint
Big swirls of colour
With both hands
Makes me want to dance
Naked under pine trees
Makes me want to sing
Secret songs of summertime
He bites his lip
In concentration
Maybe to hold back
The explosions of genius
Intense concentration
Across his brow
Belies the lazy rhythm
Paint, pine, song
Swirl before my eyes
The tempo picks up
Carrying me away
The lazy strumming
Beats like birds wings
Against my heart
Breath catches
Music swirls

Unmade Bed : Day 55 #100daysofwriting

I found this quote by Moriah Pearson a few days ago and it struck a chord. 

I spend too much time wishing I was "normal" - whatever that means. I've been through a few things and I'm a little  messy. I suppose the difference is that I don't pretend to be all neat and tidy, without creases and perfect hospital corners. I honestly prefer an untucked bed myself. If everything is tucked in I kick all the covers loose so I can cocoon in the layers. 

I think I'd rather come across as comfortable and approachable, rather than perfect and fragile. Someone to be wrapped up with, with a couple of creases, a lived in life... Yup, loving the metaphor.

Instafun

Shed : Day 54 #100daysofwriting

I gave up
On you
On us
Today
Shed my role
As fool
As lover
Hollow warnings
Ring cold
You said
" You love more"
But look
How easily I turn
Love into surgery
I snip away
Sever
Remove
Throw away
Look how easily
I throw my hands
Into the air
And shed you
Like a skin outgrown
I boil
I steam
I puff away

Quick Blast: Day 53 #100daysofwriting

Hey

Been battling a migraine all day and not feeling super creative. I really need to smash this coming week with regards to earlier starts, work and gym.

I've tried to dabble in dating again but frankly it bores me. I don't think I've properly liked anyone in a long time! Anyway, don't think I will be making time for any dates this week. Plus I'm broke till Friday so really will just take things easy.

Really do hope I feel OK in the morning! I need to continue my momentum with work outs!

xxx

Sunny Skin : Day 52 #100daysofwriting

Skin
Scented with sun
And honey
Radiating
A second hand warmth
Stolen
While watching cloud
On a winter afternoon
Laughing bellies
Pressed to the earth
As we lazily sipped tea
Flip flopping
On to our backs
To scan the sky
Dragons lurk in vaporous cloud
Alligators snapping
Morphing
As the storm rolls in
Night falls
With bone crunching cold
Sunlight scent still on our skin

Little Boat : Day 51 #100daysofwriting

Lying in bed
Pretending
That the rain
Isn't rain
But the ocean
Lazily lapping
Against my little boat
Like Owl and Pussy Cat
I'm floating to my future
I can feel
The sun
Smell the salt
Warmth radiates
The fantasy smashes
With urgent sirens
And I'm back in bed
And it's raining.

Miles Away - for Jo : Day 50 #100daysofwriting

I saw your name
Pop up on my phone
And I smiled.
I heard a song
From a band you love
And I smiled
I checked my calendar
To count the days
Till you come home
And I nearly cried
I shouldn't have looked
Soon seems sooner
Than the multitude of weeks
Miles separate us
Time zones splinter our reality.

Tiptoe : Day 49 #100daysofwriting

Feet arched
Heels up
Simmering across the floor
On balls of feet
Toes splayed
Why do you bother?
You know I'm not asleep
You know the sound
The rhythm of my breathing
The aggression
I snap an eyelid open
Peering into your soul
Say what you must boy
My slumber is imperative.

On a hill : Day 48 #100daysofwriting

Fingers trailing
Against the dark sky
Shadow playing in moonlight
I told you I'd only kiss
On sight of a shooting star
You tricked me with a passing plane
I didn't mind
Fingers trailing
Along insides of elbows
Goosebumps flare with chill
I told you I couldn't love you
You said you had enough
Enough love to compensate
So I pretended to see a shooting star
And kissed you back
Fingers linked in quiet prayer
That the night would never end
I think I did fall for you
Under the stars
On a hill.

Grateful : Day 47 #100daysofwriting

Mid moan session on the treadmill tonight I was told that I'm very ungrateful. I had to admit that my sage cardio partner was right.

I don't want to do the job that I'm blessed to even have, with a company who treat me like family. Why? Because I'm entitled, lazy and ungrateful. (Yikes)

I don't want to be there for certain people in the same way that others have been there for me. Why? Because I'm forgetful, selfish and ungrateful.

I don't want to exercise my amazing body that has everything except tonsils, wisdom teeth and two weird moles. Instead I say mean things about it and fill it with poison when I'm upset. I'm so immature and ungrateful.

I moan that I want more shoes/ more money/ another cat/ a new car/ a boyfriend/ to lose 12kg. Am I grateful and loving towards what I do have?

It wasn't that long ago where I found something to be grateful for every day for 100 days! Maybe I need a reminder. Maybe you will enjoy it too.

Anubis & Other Fancies : day 46 #100daysofwriting

Our family took a little excursion to the Tutankhamun exhibition that is currently at Grand West.

Mom was in her element with all her twelve year old fantasies coming true - love sharing experiences with passionate people!

I sat down at one point and contemplated multiple layers of protection covering the mummy. Three shrines, a stone sarcophagus and three gold ones. All seven levels back tightly like Russian stacking dolls and I'm not very sure how he got in there in the first place, nor how archaeologists got him out without smashing everything.

I can't imagine knowing that my body would be hidden away like that, even if I believed I'd be passing to another life. I certainly would be appalled to know that 3000 years after my death that some one would dig me up and examine my remains. They unwrapped the mummy for goodness sake! It's all really interesting but goodness me!

Admittedly when the model of the mummy only went down to "pre-unwrapped stage" I did start looking around for a photo or replica of his true mummy face!

I also really loved the statues of the gods found in the tomb... Could do some seriously trendy decorating with some of those pieces! I'm totally obsessed with a statue of Anubis.

Go see it if you get a chance xx

Quote time: Writing

la la love : Day 45 #100daysofwriting

I'm having such a lovely weekend!

Celebrated two dear friend's birthdays with dinner over the last two evenings. Both evenings were so special; seeing old friends and making new friends. Stunning conversations with like minded individuals, excellent food, and shelter from the old rainy outdoors. My heart is so full and warm.

I also hung out with one of my favourite creatives and her gorgeous son this morning. So good to catch up and plan a ring that she is going to make for me!

I had lunch fireside with a new friend too. Just as it's great to spend time with people who know all of your secrets and crazy... It's exciting to get to know new people and hear new views on life.

And to snuggle under the covers at the end of both nights with Arizona purring at my feet... What bliss!

Sending you all warm loving vibes.
Xxx

Half asleep poet : day 44 #100daysofwriting

I really don't mind
That you're hard to find
It's all quite true
I love to search for you
But would it be kind
Would it be blind
If I decided that today
It's my turn to run away
Would you even follow?
Track me like a swallow?

Kickass : Day 43 #100daysofwriting

So... Last night's mini post was a gorgeous frolic in self pity city.

As can be expected; a good sleep, busy day, gym and actually giving a damn about people other than myself, helped. Oh and I moved my furniture around. 

Today was probably "worse" that yesterday, but felt so much better!

I'm really tapping into the good sporty example of certain people in my life. I gymed just a little longer and harder today. I feel like my healthier eating is helping my body and mind.

I found this medicine called "One Day Flu Cure" - which is basically a cinnamon oil suspension - I took it twice on Saturday, and have just popped a dose every morning since. My cold symptoms are greatly suppressed and I have a certain vigor about me. *chuckle*

I've also tried to be there for the people around me. This feels like bragging but it's what our purpose is... Living in community. We should all be "giving a damn" about the person across the office, the street, the world. I think the key is that you help and care but don't carry their burden on your own back. I basically got that advice first thing this morning and it changed my attitude. Look! I just passed it on to you!

OK, sleep time! Hope my positive vibes help you!

Headspace : Day 42 #100daysofwriting

I'm in a weird headspace. Picture me weeping over a sitcom where a girl gives her baby up for adoption. Shaking with tears.

I packed too much into my evening last night and lay awake for hours. Feel like tonight could go the same way. Or not. I'm so sleepy and really don't want to write a post. I know I'm actually just afraid that I might start to unpack some of the things that are on my mind. Things that keep me up at night aren't easy to discuss. My head is a jumble of stuff - not all of it even my stuff.

I'm just going to try to sleep now.

peace x

Why I Write

Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Hey Girl : Day 40 #100daysofwriting

Hey girl
With the sun in her eyes
Leaves in her hair
Laughter in her lungs
Twirling under the arches
Making waves that pulse
With music and song
Fingers trail over stone made warm
Moss clings to cracks
Water steals from hidden springs
Hey girl
With giggles in her cheeks
Wind in her ears
Stolen moments in her heart

My Vibe : Day 39 #100daysofwriting

It is pretty late on a Sunday night to be awake, but I often struggle to fall asleep on a Sunday. This evening I stayed up later on purpose to better prep for the week. I neglected to prepare for this past week and everything felt off kilter. Some are blaming the moon and the proximity of Jupiter - but I do need to admit to dropping the ball last week, and it was havoc.

 

I found this cool quote on Pinterest "your vibe attracts your tribe"

 

I'm mulling it over. Over the last 1 and 3/4 years (yes, 21 months today) I've lost some friends and gained many.

 

Losing friends has been a result of differing views, the changes in my life style and quite possibly my increased honesty. I could be pretty shallow at times, and maybe damage was done long ago - maybe my defects of character were more accepted when they could be dismissed as drunken behaviour. News flash - I'm still capable of bad decisions, now I just care more about the results.

 

Anyway - I've been trying to find a sense of self acceptance by appreciating and noticing the people/places/things that make me glad. I enjoy deep conversations with friends and family. I like feeling useful. I helped at a soup kitchen today and it was fun. I like a quiet Friday night. I have amazing friends. I love being sober. I enjoy being organised. I like cooking healthy food for my family.

 

I think we all often focus on who or what we aren't. I just want to be happy with who I am. I like me. I like that being me seems to attract some pretty amazing people and opportunities.

xxx

My Day : Day 38 #100daysofwriting

Hey

Writing everyday is quite a challenge. I think it the past I just specified "creative" so photos or baking counted as tasks.

I'm happily tired. I've had a good social day and got to have quality conversation with four different friends, separately today. I've had posh hot chocolate at two places, eaten barone cheese cake, extolled the wonders of baby marrow noodles, lusted over leather bags, bought jewellery, shared recipes, received advice, given advise, walked a Chihuahua , hugged many people, cuddled a cat, worn three Amanda Laird Cherry items... Busy day...

Xxx

Innocence Revisited : Day 37 #100daysofwriting

I had such a lovely day today with family who are visiting CT. I think the highlight was hanging with my 3 year old cousin. (In the broad sense of cousin, think cousin's kid scenario)

I love that age and really wonder if my inner child didn't stop growing at 3. So much to learn and say and see.

We explored the garden. I tried to teach her the names of certain plants - like "black-eyed Susan" - and showed her how to identify ripe gooseberries, although she was very into picking green ones just to show me that they weren't ripe. We checked out bunnies and fish. We stood quietly to hear the birds in the trees. We laughed a lot.

We even went for a beach walk which was very exciting and a total work out of me! I think we could have both been inducted into The Ministry of Funny Walks! We twirled. We ate ice cream. We held hands.

And at the end of the day? She'd learnt to say "Are you crazy?"  and not a single plant name. I'm still proud.

As a side note there were many adults around too, deep conversations were had, but I got to have a toddler play date and it made my day. xxx

Finalization - a poem for S : Day 36 #100daysofwriting

Finalization
The word bores into me
Like hungry beetles
A realization
Of our finality
The end
Pens scrape
And I'm free of you
Memories are pebbles
In my shoes
The ache of roads walked
In vain
The petals of love
Understanding
Friendship
Crushed by the rocks
You flung
No more of you
Of us
To be endured
Final
Closed
Done

Sober & Single : Day 35 #100daysofwriting

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.

 

I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?

 

I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.

 

I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?

 

I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.

Speechless: Day 34 #100daysofwriting

Pink toenails keep Summer close
Even with a sore throat
Frozen shut
Struck dumb
Words fall short
And bounce up again
Borrowed coats hide the chill
Summer hides in a scent
Twisted together
Buried in cloth
You smell like memories
Half forgotten
Warm memories
Wrapped in cold secrets
How long ago you ask
I can't even answer
Frozen shut.

Love and other drugs : Day 33 #100daysofwriting

I arrived pretty late
Black jeans
Angry boots
Wearing your jacket
Mouth full of opinions
Heart full of rage
Pain in my body
Ideas in my brain
You handed me something
To quiet the pain
And listened
While I rattled
And while I raved
Then you hugged me
And sent me on my way.

L&T : Day 32 #100daysofwriting

I've mulled a lot of world issues around in my head over the last few days and found myself really wanting to publicly respond in some way. I'm also afraid because I can clearly see that certain people close to me might misunderstand. I'm not looking to upset anyone, or attack, but rather remind anyone who reads this of some universal truths.

 

Asked the question: Is there something wrong with the world and what will fix it? I found myself agreeing that there is much wrong with the world. I really do think that love and tolerance are the answer.

 

What would that look like? Well first, promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. Honestly, people can't go around claiming that another's race, gender, religion, nationality, eating habits and sexuality, are causing them harm.

 

Two adults in love will not hurt another couple in love, if their love is honest, as love needs to be. Cheating and lying are not honest and someone isn't being loved in that equation, so don't even talk about that.

 

Intolerance over someone's choice to fast, shave, meditate, worship, love, draw, sing, write, speak... Where is the love? Where is the tolerance? You need to sort out your own house and figure out why you are so obsessed with your neighbours.

 

Healthy debate is good when both parties are heard. You don't win or lose in a conversation, this isn't a trial. You don't have to agree, you don't need to blame. Just last night I expressed my opinion over something, was heard and my opinion acknowledged, in turn I listened and acknowledged their opinion, I left the conversation with a different perspective.

 

I hate to even ask this, but please don't tell me I'm wrong. I will listen to your perspective, but hold up the principles of love and tolerance against any opinion you have. Love is not lustful, murderous, depraved, and harmful. Yes it can hurt, but it will not harm.

Take Me Down : Day 31 #100daysofwriting

Take me down to the river
Where you first declared your love
Take me down to the river
Where you washed away my tears
Take me down to the river
Where you showed me your heart
Take me down to the river
Down to the river
The river
Where you slowly rowed away.

Fashion Twins : Day 30 #100daysofwriting

Time really flies and I can't believe that Brother and I bought our flat just over 2.5 years ago. I think we exceeded most peoples expectations and are absolutely best friends.

Tonight when I got home he wanted shoe advice because we are going to a wedding in the morning. We ended up playing with outfit options and I had to agree that he had actually chosen a great outfit for himself. Who doesn't love a man with style?

I decided I needed an outfit run through too and in turn got his advice. It also boiled down to choosing between two pairs of shoes and Brother suggesting I add a belt!

I really dig stuff like this. I'm really blessed.

In The Scales : Day 29 #100daysofwriting

I went back to gym today, with a great concept running through my head "don't rely on motivation, rely on commitment." Yup... Say you will do it, then do it, even if you don't feel like it. We can't depend on our feelings to steer us. It probably helped that I'd made a commitment to gym with a friend.

It's a good concept. I seem to be constantly looking for motivation. Flip, when I feel like my head isn't in the game I hop on Pinterest for quotes. It helps a bit, but really I just need to stick to my guns. It becomes a matter of boundaries in the end. I commit to gym on a certain evening, so I don't get swayed by work load or socialising - in the bigger picture I'm better off. Less resentment, more joy. In trying not to be selfish we can really go overboard and stop looking after or even respecting our own needs. It is about balance.

So that's my goal - to make healthy commitments and to stick to them. Even if I occasionally need a little help from a friend.

Beatnik : Day 28 #100daysofwriting

Paint splatter
On your neck
And your shoes
Tattooed fingers
Point back at you
Sweep your arm
Wildly
Making it skew
Look how my anger
Splits us in two
Canvas almost broken
Check out my view
Paint splatter
Confuses all that was true

Treat Yo Self : Day 27 #100daysofwriting

Rain is bucketing down outside, and suddenly remember that someone told me that Wednesday will be cold.

I'm trying to fill my body with vitamins, my mind with positive philosophies and I'm trying to flex my creative muscles. I supposed I'm not trying, I'm doing.

I also realised lately that I was slipping into a lazy slump with girly stuff - like nails, shaving, moisturising, and fussing with hair. Don't get me wrong, my hair is always clean, nails short, no one is seeing my legs in Winter, nor my toes, I'm clean, clothes are usually on point.... But no fanciness around self care.

I'm not a girly girl, although I've gone through some make up, heels and dangly earring phases. So what is going on now? I'm starting to feel like a tomboy... Or am I lazy?

Anyway - since being ill I've upped the pretty - surprise surprise it doesn't take much time to make a little effort and I'm feeling better for it. I suppose its a type of love towards yourself? Caring for yourself?

People told me I looked pretty today... Was it the eyeliner? The scarf? Or maybe because I actually showed myself some love? I think this could be the beginning of a great romance :)

Lip Service : Day 26 #100daysofwriting

Crack
A smile
A joke
Red lips part
Skew teeth
Lipstick smudge
Like awkward blood
On your pointy tooth

Break
A grin
A heart
Thin lips twist
Venom drips
Teeth bite
Like locked doors
Hiding your dirty secret

Smash
A lie
A promise
Chapped lips smack
Tiny scars
Riddles unsolved
Like boulders crash
Through all my dreams

Princess Me : Day 25 #100daysofwriting

I really got lucky in the sibling stakes. My brother is really awesome.

 

We've both been ill this weekend but I definitely got hit worse. I haven't been this sick in a long time. We did our best at looking after each other - taking turns to get supplies, lifting the maid, hanging laundry (don't even ask why the maid wasn't involved with laundry) - and made it through.

 

Today we'd arranged family lunch out to celebrate Mom's birthday, which is tomorrow. It is Father's Day too. Getting up and dressed in something more stylish than leggings and a hoody was really not easy for me. I felt bloated and pale. Nothing felt right on my body. Brother came to the rescue and basically made me feel like my insanity was justified. He just listened as I lamented that my eye shadow clashed with my shirt and that I looked like a man.

 

He managed to get me out of the flat feeling vaguely attractive and munching rescue remedy. Who gets social anxiety about a family lunch? My family is actually lovely.

 

Of course the restaurant lost our booking... But found us a table. Then came the mammoth task of deciding what to eat after three days of bland food. I actually teared up and the waiter got a little worried. My family took the insanity in their stride and I ate more rescue tablets.

 

Lunch was great and we even got a chance to get some sun. Then I gratefully crawled back into bed and napped.

 

Anyway, while Brother was out at church I woke up and managed to cook some food for lunches, washed up and made myself a juice. I think I'm much better now. The whole cook and clean routine is actually my usual test the night before I go back to work post illness.

 

Anyway, glad I have an awesome brother and lovely parents.

 

Lucid Dreams : Day 24 #100daysofwriting

I've been really ill with stomach flu for three days now, maybe even four, but in bed for three. It hurts so much at times, even though I have these magic stomach cramp pills.

I'm a pretty vivid dreamer under normal conditions, but add medication and we have a Hollywood block buster on our hands.

Years ago I watched a movie about lucid dreaming, where the dreamer can essentially control their dream. I've googled it and am pretty sure it was called "The Good Night". I remember very little of the actual story - lots of white, a beautiful girl - but what stuck was the technique of looking at your hands while in a dream. I think it's supposed to ground you so you can make decisions in the dream. I've actually done that in my dreams.

Anyway, without specifically trying, I've managed to get some control over my dreams. There is a big house that shows up often in my dreams. There is a huge library on the top floor, so I make sure that I get upstairs during my dream.

A few sleeps ago (note: I've been sick in bed and sleeping every few hours) I didn't like what was going on in my dream, so I lay down in the dream and pushed my shoulder into the floor. I woke up straight away.

Sometimes I have such realistic dreams that I can feel physical contact. This really sucks when I ask someone to pinch me to prove I'm not dreaming, while in the dream. It's not nice to be convinced of a reality, only to wake up.

I really enjoy being a dreamer and remember a fair amount. Some of my recurring dreams I'd prefer to drop - like the work dreams where we keep moving furniture around the office. Or the neighbour disputes, I'm glad my real neighbours aren't as weird.

On that note, off to dreamland I go...

Hold On Tight : Day 23 #100daysofwriting

We rode
With the wind
Clinging
No extra gloves
My fingers frozen
I held on
I was safe

We rode
To the beach
Laughing
Lying on sand
My skin thawed
I let go
We weren't safe

I loved you
So much that day
But I knew
I knew
It had to end
Still now
I long for that day.

Storm Chaser : Day 22 #100daysofwriting

Do you remember
Chasing storms
Hand in hand
Facing waves
Clinging to railings

I remember
How you held me
Afraid I'd be washed away
With you I was fearless
I wanted to be in the storm
Hands white with cold
Squealing as a wave crashed
Your arms pulling me
Your chest warming me

We were free
And I miss that.

Brain Drain : Day 21 #100daysofwriting

I've felt drained for weeks and frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm not good about taking vitamins and I like the idea of fresh source nutrients, so I dusted off my juicer.

I grabbed 5 of my favourite ingredients and started with a beetroot-apple-carrot-lemon-ginger combo.

Beetroot is the kind of vegetable I've avoided most of my life - but it makes a great juice. Full of iron and claiming to aid recovery after a work out, its a winner. And really does help with exercise recovery!

Apples keep the doctor away... And anyone else if you aim right... But seriously, sweet but lower in kljs than other fruit - grey ingredient.

Carrots are full of vitamin A for crazy eye health - need I say more?

Lemon is full of vitamin C and always top of the pops for detox drinks. Juice with the skin on for a tart flavour! So fresh!

Ginger puts the zing in your blood and aids digestion.

I've got enough juice for a glass tomorrow morning - think I will add a dash of cayenne pepper to really get my motor going!

Here's to a healthy winter! xxx

Real? Day 20 #100daysofwriting

I actually hit something with my car tonight. I keep writing about it and deleting it. It was small, like smaller than a cat. It appeared to be oval and black. It darted in front of me, I heard a thump and then nothing. I drove up and down, peering into the dark rain for the body; but nothing.

Did it dart? Or did it blow? Was it even an animal? Was it nothing?

I felt bad. A police van drove past with sirens wailing while I drove slowly down the road. I felt like I'd committed a crime.
I wish I didn't feel so awful. If I'd found a pet I was fully prepared to take it to the vet. I'd imagined the plastic bags, the apologies. I tried to do right. But what if I did no wrong in the first place?

I really should sleep.

Warm & Cold : Day 19 #100daysofwriting

Your freckled fingers
Wrap around your mug
Warm
Your scattered words
Wrap around my heart
Cold

Only the truth
Your brown eyes promised
Warm
Only you can't
Your freckled mouth lies
Cold

Store Stalker : Day 18 #100daysofwriting

White vest
Mom jeans
Squeaky sneakers
I hear you
Before I see you
Trolley full of carbs
Head full of dreams
Screaming toddler by your side

White vest
Mom jeans
Rattling trolley
I smell you
Before I see you
Baby lotion and peanut butter
The scent of mother
Sulky teen trailing behind

White vest
Mom jeans
Head full of dreams

Happy : Day 17 #100daysofwriting

I'm exhausted but happy. Really don't have the brain power to write a proper post... Had a lovely social day that was wonderfully rounded up with a birthday dinner. So many hugs, deep conversations and even a bloody decent massage. Anyway, it really filled my tank with love.

Xxx

Searching : Day 16 #100daysofwriting

I look for you
In memories
In dreams
In dangerous ally ways of my mind
You haunt
You tease
You descend
Only to leave

I thought tonight
As I drove through
Darkened suburbs
Lazy love songs in my ears
I thought I saw you
A glimpse of you
In the distance
You languished
Lazy in the doorway
Of a 24 hour Pick 'n Pay
I searched the aisles
Grabbing at clues
Pieces of you
Humdrum demands
Still pounding in my head
Buzzing on my phone
I left clutching my clues

Back in the road
You promise to meet me at home
I search for you
But neighbours shout
And you flee
I'm left with my melting clue
My ice cream
And a packet of biscuits

**** I feel the poem ends here but I still want to explain - I'm in need of rest, relief, happiness, peace. I'm exhausted and run down. I'm emotionally low. I feel like I'm searching for my happy. That's what this poem is about. Feeling lost.

Snuggle up for a story... Day 15 #100daysofwriting

Once upon a time, just around the corner... Lived an average looking princess... Who am I kidding? She was beautiful! Average-smaverage!

 

Where was I? Oh yes, the princess from around the corner. Well, her name was Bunny. What do you mean "that's not a princess name?" I'm telling the story here! How will I ever get to the dangerous bits if you keep interrupting?

 

So, one day, Bunny decided to go for a ride on her horse. Tired of constant monitoring, Bunny snuck off while the staff were watching Dr Phil at tea time. Bunny rode very quickly into the cover of dense woods at the edge of her sprawling garden.

 

Bunny had ridden in the woods many times before, but never alone. There was something magical about the woods that day. Maybe it was the sheer adrenaline of escaping, or maybe something was going on that day. Well, no need to keep you in suspense, there was a secret meeting happening in the woods...

 

Yes, a Teddy bears picnic!

 

Bunny had never seen living Teddies before and let out a gasp when she spotted them. The Teddies were way chilled though and invited Bunny to hang out. They even had an apple for the horse.

Now, Bunny lived a low carb lifestyle and could hardly control herself when she saw all the baked treats laid out. She started to pile her plate high with all sorts of cake and pie. The Teddies looked a little bit shocked and muttered to themselves. An elderly lady Teddy cleared her throat and said, "Bunny, we usually take one treat at a time as to ensure proper sharing." Bunny blushed.

 

"Tell us how you came to be in the woods alone," another Teddy asked. Bunny explained that she had stolen away for a ride. The Teddies muttered again.

 

The Teddies couldn't handle having someone so greedy and dishonest in their midst, so they ate her.

 

The End

 

"If you go into the woods today..."

Throw Back Thursday - some of my favourites #TBT

new-name-new-look-new-focus - Love my Strawberry Man story

faux-romance

what-is-love

Attention Seeker : Day 14 #100daysofwriting

 

I think it was established quite early on in my life that I love a little drama and attention. I’d never intentionally hurt myself but I’d gladly show off battle scars. I like to go on and on about things.

At 14 I was told that I’d not only need braces, but I’d need headgear too! Oh the horror! Mom promised that I’d get one of those pixie style beanies that were so en vogue in the 90’s. Alas! No headgear, so I didn’t get the beanie. I still hold on to the disappointment.

In my early 20’s I did a free eye test at the gym – the results were grim, I urgently needed to see an optometrist, as I was clearly living in a blurred world. Again, the horror, until I spotted a gorgeous pair of blue frames as I waited for my proper assessment. Did I need glasses after all? No. Again… I’m still holding onto the disappointment of not getting those glasses.

Recently with my jaw issues I’d resolved myself to jaw surgery and weeks of recovery, where sustained on liquidised food I’d get svelte and get lots of presents. No, instead I wear a sexy gum guard to bed. How can I be disappointed? I’m clearly insane!

Today I had a free eye test again, and like before I’m diagnosed with all manner of ocular drama. I really don’t trust those machines, I couldn’t get my chin into the correct spot, so I’ve booked a proper appointment. I’m trying very hard not to dream of tortoise shell nerd glasses…. It’s not like I can afford glasses, I’ve only recently forked out for an overpriced gum guard. The insanity must stop…

 xxx