Shed : Day 54 #100daysofwriting

I gave up
On you
On us
Today
Shed my role
As fool
As lover
Hollow warnings
Ring cold
You said
" You love more"
But look
How easily I turn
Love into surgery
I snip away
Sever
Remove
Throw away
Look how easily
I throw my hands
Into the air
And shed you
Like a skin outgrown
I boil
I steam
I puff away

Lip Service : Day 26 #100daysofwriting

Crack
A smile
A joke
Red lips part
Skew teeth
Lipstick smudge
Like awkward blood
On your pointy tooth

Break
A grin
A heart
Thin lips twist
Venom drips
Teeth bite
Like locked doors
Hiding your dirty secret

Smash
A lie
A promise
Chapped lips smack
Tiny scars
Riddles unsolved
Like boulders crash
Through all my dreams

Sometimes you just make friends with fear

What is normal? What is ok?

I totally beat myself up over my apparent failures in life. It’s like a bizarre internal battle ala Sia’s new Elastic Heart video (which I’m obsessed with, both song and video).

I’ve learnt in recovery that pretty much everyone battles not to be totally driven by the fear of not being good enough. A perfect body doesn’t mean that you are capable of a healthy relationship with another person, that you won’t be lonely. You can study and study, yet still not understand a billion things. You can be the most incredible artist or dancer, and someone will criticize your art.

Gosh look at the word criticize… say it, let it roll around your mouth for a moment. Critter-size? Criticize me and reduce me to the size of a bug you can squish under your cracked heels. Oops did I just judge you back?

How did we get to the point where we find it ok to hurt each other? I’ve said it before, how every so often I look at my own hands, my arms, I feel my own pulse – blue and fragile beneath the skin of my wrist. You are exactly the same as me. You hurt inside too. You live on the same hairline tight rope. So why do we thrash at each other? Would I be happier alone here?

I’m not even thinking of a specific human. It flickers between boys who have broken my heart to car guards who make my blood boil to friends who have thrown their hands over their eyes and fled from me. Look at me, I’m all bruised too. Maybe if I acknowledge your bruises you will acknowledge mine? I’m sorry if I inflicted any of those horrible purple blemishes. I’m really sorry.

Missing

Mmmm... I'm a real brat when it comes to going to sleep. I have this huge sense that I will miss out on something... What I ask you? A tweet? #FOMO #lame #31yearoldsneedsleepcostimeisntsparingtheirlooks

Anyway. The title actually refers to how accustomed I've become to a nightly vent-slash-poem-slash-story.

All that is on my mind is how I desperately need to drop the sneaky 6 kilos that have casually positioned themselves upon me like a swimming tube and water wings. I don't known where I found the discipline before!!!!

Also on my mind are those people who rudely ignore messages and/or hide away when they've been naughty. (Yes I saw you with your ex at the shops) Or those brilliant passive aggressive people who think that ignoring you will make you go away (dude, I don't want to date you either but you're the one who said "next time" - I'm politely following up).

Maybe these transgressions are on my mind because I'm guilty too. I've literally been plotting for weeks about avoiding someone at a party.

Couldn't human interaction be easier? I've mentioned before how rude we are to each other. I need to tap into my love well again to find tolerance and compassion. Games exhaust me.

Sorry if I have neglected anyone, drop me a message to say you miss me - I will reply - life is so busy, I probably miss you too.

Xxx

The Day You Killed Me #100creativedays Day 76

"Heart turns to stone
As you speak her name.
The name I loathe.
Tears burst forth
The anguish of the day
I thought you died
But as you speak
I feel dead
You kill me
Your words stab me
Mock me
Crush me
My dreams for us
Lie broken
Small birds cursed
I don't feel that way
The way your sister says I feel
But I feel this way
Betrayed
Hurt
You curse the birds
You cut their wings
You fuel my fury
And freeze my heart."

Sharon Paine 07.07.2014