This little gem from Pinterest sums me up pretty well. I've always struggled with the introvert vs extrovert label. I've identified as shy and introverted, while most people experience me as open and extroverted. There is a big difference between having the confidence to share a view in a meeting or with close friends. Either I'm on stage or I'm in a place of no judgement.
Drinking helped with the facade of loud mouth party girl but inside I was dying for attention and affirmation, or chasing oblivion from my emotions. Obviously it didn't work.
Like a little girl showing off I crave attention and affirmation - so maybe that's where the false bravo came in, even when I was little and sober.
I've battled with social anxiety for years, a diagnosis of depression and my recent sobriety do nothing to ease the panic when I'm in a room full of strangers. I don't even know if people realise. I hate small talk and that's probably why I come across as either aloof or way too open.
As I learn to be happy in my open company, I'm a bit afraid that I'm becoming withdrawn. Truth is I'm focussing my attention on things that matter to me. To build deep friendships where very personal conversations are appropriate. Where I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.
So maybe I'm an introvert... leave me alone now.
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