Winning Streak : Day 69 #100daysofwriting

So, I've just caught up my two missing posts, I feel a very good creative flow happening tonight. I better keep this short and informal, not because I'm tired, but rather hungry.

In the hope of getting my life back in line, I've been very strict about my eating over the last two days, managed a good cardio session and got up at a decent time this morning. Progress!

My phone conked out last night so my social contact is decreased, I can still Whatsapp, but I don't have many numbers on my spare phone. I also suspect that most people (read random online men who I am now avoiding, see Day 67) think that I have blocked them because they should only be able to see my profile picture if I actually have them saved as a contact. I'm seeing this whole scenario as divine intervention because talk to strange men is really not benefitting my spiritual well being - I feel a little bit like I've put myself in a position to be rejected, judged and mistreated. Of course there have been some sweet conversations, but after all these years of pen friends and chat groups, a real connection is actually rare until you meet face to face. Perhaps I digress. The point is that I was putting myself under undue pressure by trying to find a boyfriend online. I feel happier now that I've thrown in the towel. Yes it works for some people, but rarely for me, make that never. I have never had a significant romantic relationship with someone from the internet. I've had firm friendships, but never romance. Insanity really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So here is to healthy mind, body and spirit. xoxox

Goldilocks & The Hangry B*tch

Me? Grumpy?
When I'm hungry?
I'm not a toddler... oh but I am. For years it's been no secret to my family (and friends) that if Sharon is hungry, thirsty, tired and or needs the toilet... you best press yourself against a wall and throw a muffin in the direction of the bathroom.

I've been a little grumpy this week - a combination of earlier mornings and better eating - mostly under the premise that I am not a child but a grown up capable of punctuality and portion control. My natural state is really antisocial hibernating bear with a life supply of cupcakes within arm's reach... but unfortunately it's more socially acceptable to have a job and to not snarl at people.

The last two days I've had to push out my lunch because of meetings, resulting in me being a little feral if someone tries to greet me, let alone tries to ask me a question. I stare wide eyed, weave dizzily and growl. How do I get SO hungry SO fast - I will feel normal and then want to claw someone to shreds to steal their lunch? I've heard it said that carbs cause that kind of hungry, but I find it more likely when I avoid carbs. In a way I feel all the high protein turns me into a slightly less green version of The Hulk. I'm not really asking for an answer, more thinking aloud.

It's crazy how much basic needs can effect our entire mood. The balance is precarious. We need to be not hot, not cold; not hungry, not full... Where are the Three Bears?

On that note... I need a healthy snack.... mmm Rooibos & Honey yoghurt will hit the spot and help the theme. Sorry again for what I said when I was hungry. xoxo

Honestly? #100creativedays Day 63

Apparently I'm too hard on myself but on the other hand I'm told I can do anything that I put my mind to? Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough?

I didn't work out today. I did work on the couch though. And cooked lunches for the next couple of days. And made an amends to someone I love. And did some laundry. Besides working a normal day - where I cried and felt overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. Its so counter productive, like being glued to the floor just when you need to outrun the zombies... Running, that's not something that I'm sure I can even do anymore.

Sobriety is so blatantly raw, and I don't get to hide anymore or run away. Everything is so bloody present. I don't get to put the dimmer on, everything is so in my face. Then a voice in my head screams at me for being ungrateful. Isn't this stark reality better than the years of lies? Isn't it better to feel broke because you're actually paying off debt? Instead of just spending with little regard for the financial consequences? It's like hankering after an unhealthy ex boyfriend.

I feel hard by done over fitness and diet. But I'm the one making the rules.

One day at a time I guess? I got stuff done today. I didn't cheat on my diet. I will be OK... I do need a decent massage pronto though...

Carb Coma #100creativedays Day 60

Goodness me... I need to stop my social binge eating... Another night of a bloated and overfull tummy! I start the days so well and by late afternoon, all hell breaks loose.

Mom's birthday tomorrow... Then I need to shun the carbs... But I made Monday pizza plans.... *groan*

Fond Regrets #100creativedays Day 59

Fond regrets... It sounds like the salutation at the end of a negative RSVP.

I don't like to say that I regret my own decisions, especially now that I'm sober. So I'm not saying that I regret some of my decisions today, just that they weren't all well thought out, specifically with regards to food.

Good decisions today include: my outfit, totally cute and comfy combo of a Nordic print mini with tights, ankle boots and topped with an oversized, drop shouldered jersey in marled grey rib that my mom got from Hypermarket in the 90's - my dad had an identical one! I got so many compliments! Maybe also because for the last few days I've actually bothered with make up? A light brush of concealer, eyeliner, mascara and sometimes a smear of neutral eye-shadow. I'm a hottie!

I was also very honest today and as a result had some very meaningful chats with a variety of people. Why not share my experience, strength and hope? I also reaped the rewards of tolerance and forgiveness.

In light of all this awesomeness, my gluttony and resulting sore swollen belly seem irrelevant? I will fondly decline to confess...

Control Yourself!

 

Don't eat that!

Don't drink that!

Don't just sit there!

Wear this!

Smile.

Don't say that!

Don't do that!

Are you drinking enough water?

Could you just....

Smile?

Where To Begin?

So? Where to begin?

 

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m on day 13 of 20mg of Citraz – it can take up to 6 weeks… 42 days… to level out after an increase in dosage. I had to admit defeat; I had to admit that I wasn’t coping on 15mg anymore. I think I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not a failure for needing more chemical help; I’m a winner to be managing my depression.

 

I have been sober for 18 days. And I’m serious this time around. I didn’t manage to have a whole sober September. I “cheated” for a fancy dinner on the 18^th of September and then just carried on cheating. I don’t remember if I drank every day, probably not. I definitely had too much to drink at the fancy dinner, and then on a few occasions after that. I pulled a real horrid move and passed out at Rocking The Daisies (a music festival)… I managed to vomit on my gorgeous new boyfriend. By some miracle, he is still my boyfriend. I promised him that I wouldn’t drink for the rest of 2013. I told my psychiatrist that I’d stop for 6 months and then reassess. Then I went to a support meeting and had to admit that I was out of control. It would be an insult to myself and the whole program to call this a temporary fix. I have to do this.

 

Nobody wants to tell me I have a problem to my face. But then again nobody wanted to call me fat 5 months ago either… I am not in control; I’ve been numbing my depression and all the insecurities that come with it, with alcohol. Self-medicating they call it.

 

So I’ve had enough of that life – I’ve been sober for 18 days. I have support and I’m making changes. It’s not a very comfortable place to be in emotionally, along with adapting to a new dosage and my famous PMS.

 

My weight has stabilised at 68kg – making it a solid 15kg lost. When my body feels stronger (I’ve felt rather run down and fluey lately) I will resume my exercise regime.  I’ve been eating carbs and little treats every so often, but primarily still following Dukan.

 

As will many of my posts, I may have been too honest, too open. I ask for your support and respect.

Skinny Bitch Rant #2

I already had a bit of a rant about this on Facebook, but I’ve started to realise that my readership extends further than my circle of friends and family.

Why are we marginalised for being healthy? Order a diet coke – they don’t stock Coke Zero because that doesn’t come in tiny tins, they have Coke Lite, because that comes in tiny tins, and healthy people obviously need tiny tins, at the price of a sugar-filled soda – obviously. 

Water costs R20 for 500ml at a bar. Add some vodka and lime – you should rather have ordered a meal at the cost. WHY???

I know that I barely drink now, so I should have oodles of money, but it all seems so wrong! Why is water more expensive than soda? HOW?

Is it impossible to stock Sprite Zero for some variation? Oh wait, doesn’t come in a tiny tin.

If I order a diet soda, would I be willing to switch to sugary, just because of the Happy Hour special? NO. I DO NOT WANT SUGAR. You suck.

Interesting.... What 2000 Calories Looks Like

 

Essentially 2000 Calories is the daily requirement for an adult, but clocking in at almost 8400 kjl... it's quite a lot! I know that my guideline is more along the lines of 4500 - 5000kjl.



Winter Weightloss Woes

Day 18 is complete and I must admit that I’ve lost a little bit of momentum over the last few days. Partly because I did too much exercise on Thursday and felt rather lame in the leg area. And then hugely in part because we cheated on Saturday. My weight was been a bit sticky over the last few days. Nevertheless, we did repent of Saturday by having two protein days in a row, so I’m hoping to see the results of that too now that I’ve had a veggie day. And I’ve been guzzling water. I did my “barre” workout tonight and am sure that the scale will report back nicely in the morning. Fingers crossed.

Would it be silly to say that I’m feeling rather bored of being on diet and thinking about my weight all the time? Maybe because it’s cold and the world seems full of rich food and hot chocolate?

I am consoling myself with plans to hunt down Nomu’s Skinny Hot Chocolate – it’s tipping the scales at a half a percentage too much fat for a Dukan “dairy” product… but I figure that being sugar free, it can’t be the naughtiest thing around!

Crazy, crazy... crazy enough ;)

Beer Belly :(

Brother and I hosted a Beer Tasting today... we've been planning it for ages and decided that we would start our diet, even though we had this event coming up. We were very good for 14.5 days.
Then all carby hell broke loose....
My belly is HUGE, I didn't just drink BEER, but ate whatever I wanted... I was fairly good... but not very good.
Someone posted a photo of me on Facebook... I don't look like I have a round belly, it looks almost triangular.... like I'm birthing a moody alien.... YES I FEEL HORRID.
Do I regret it.... probably not....
Am I keen to binge again? noooooooooo.

I put on 2kg today.... I'm hoping I will weigh less in the morning after I flush all the horrids away with water. And tomorrow is another day.... back on track tomorrow.

A decent write-up on the beer and cider tasting are in the pipeline, with photos.
Check out kidpaine.blogspot.com for more details.

Breaking Out Of My Chains

I remember seeing a YOU magazine article years ago, where a women claimed that she had shed piles of weight, just by the power of prayer. I was very cynical about it.

Over the last 18 months I have been on a journey of really drawing closer to God and have been so blessed. God gave me a PILE of blessings over the last year and the more I give over to Him, the better things go - figures right? Now, if you have got this far and are still reading, good.

I seem to be getting the same message from so many places, in so many different ways:

• We are the image-bearers of Christ
• Our bodies are our temple
• Jesus was super fit, He walked everywhere (Thanks Mom)

So, I started to think.... if I am an image-bearer... and should be following Jesus' spiritual example... maybe I should be following His physical example? God designed my body to be strong, to work the field and to get me places. How dare I flop into a heap? Then I heard a sermon on "work" and how it is good to work and how God doesn't want us to be lazy. These words almost haunt me. I was also reminded to dedicate everything that I do to God's glory (yeah, not easy!). So I prayed. I asked God to bless my diet, to give me self control and perseverance.

I just did my home work for the Beth Moore "Breaking Free" Bible study that I've joined on Saturday mornings. Working through a study on how we need to find our satisfaction in God, feed our souls, I came across two absolute gems of scripture.

"Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?

Why pay for food that does you no good?

Listen, and I will tell you where to get food that is

good for the soul!"

Isaiah 55v2

 

"You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.

I will praise You with songs of joy."

Psalm 63v5

 

I have been slowly becoming aware that the root of my weight gain is comfort eating, I feel like I am breaking habits and teaching my body to be satisfied with better food. At the same time, I am feeding my soul like crazy and aligning my whole self-image to God's image of me.

 

Pray for me, wish me luck, whatever fits into your beliefs. I know that there is no way I would be making this progress, with such surprising ease, without God's help!

Words to live by

This is EXACTLY how I feel and why I am on this journey

Just Say NO

I sit, tummy weirdly growly after lunch and I don’t feel very satisfied. I had an amazing salad, stuffed with veggies and steak…. I even had an egg… but I feel kinda huuuungry. Maybe because everyone else had sandwiches for lunch? We’re on a training course and all cooped up in a room together.

On Saturday night I was literally in the middle of free pizza and wine… my kryptonite. Somehow I sucked down sparkling water with mint and told myself I was fantastic. Dukan is easy behind closed doors, but not so much when you’re talking to someone wrestling with a super melted slice of pizza. If ever I wanted an exercise in self-control, that was it. I was so hungry for a snack by the time I got home, and biltong is a sore substitute. but, I’m getting thinner and that makes this all worth it. Just sometimes, sometimes….

NEW WEEK, NEW CHANCE TO BE AMAZING

Monday motivation...

We Can Dukan!

I've googled every possible thing to convince myself that Dukan is ok for me, maybe I've been looking for an excuse?

But it seems:
- I can stick to plan while I recover from having my wisdom teeth out (in a few weeks time)
- Low carb is often advised for depression
- Low carb is good for IBS
- IT WORKS

I found this blog: http://southafricandukan.wordpress.com/
While it only has a few things on it, I like the motivational posters and SA retailer specific products.

Brother and I planned a few meals already, and cleared the fridge of "offending" products... fortunately we didn't have much in the way of "illegal" foods - about 100ml of fruity yoghurt, half a carton of fruit juice, left over low fat custard, and seeing as neither of us had managed to have dinner last night, it didn't seem criminal to have "fairly" healthy snacks (yes, yes the sugar.... but it's not PIZZA).

We will start tomorrow with eggs and yoghurt for breakfast. I'm planning grilled chicken breasts stuffed with cottage cheese and ham for lunch (yeah.... does sound AMAZING). I'm going to attempt to make galettes for dinner, maybe with cottage cheese and tuna.

Recipe for galette HERE. It's an oat bran based pancake. We need to consume 1.5 tablespoons of oat bran per day... so seems a great way to consume it!

Feeling pretty positive and pumped now. And yes, I will have pizza and wine tonight.... last supper, as it were....

Then, to focus on my new mantra:

PS: I did yoga last night, I am amazing

Do Not Feed The Sharon

I'm not dieting as such, but cleaning up my eating.
It is too easy to be lazy about preparing decent lunch and dinner, and to actually have any breakfast at all! I love eating and seem to think that food is a reward. I like to reward myself too much.

I will elaborate later.... for now... keep refined carbs away from me....

Barely hours into it...

I want coffee, with milk and sugar.... I can't focus and my eyes are all blurry.... BLERG...

Are You Wearing An Apple Costume Under Your Clothes?

Facebook.... the truth will always come out... my bedroom mirror is either lying to me or my peacock preening pose is not something I do every minute of the day - I look like I escaped from an apple convention - and I was the mascot - completely ROUND with skinny legs.... this is not ok - I am not shrinking. I tell myself I don't scarf junk... that it's the antidepressants.... but goodness me... this MUST end.

So, new challenge - not linked to a calender month - or call it March, but starting TODAY. Based on a 30 day detox I read this morning - which is RIDICULOUS, I am going to try cut down on carbs and dairy - so first thing - BREAKFAST.... hard boiled egg and steamed broccoli.... I need to start somewhere.... The rest of the day is 2 slices of rye cracker bread, tiny bit of cheese and some thin butternut soup - telling myself at least its not a roll with mayo...

Dinner I will go with chicken and stirfry veg....

But yeah - but back to the challenges, back to the blog... KICKING MY OWN BUTT.