Apparently I'm too hard on myself but on the other hand I'm told I can do anything that I put my mind to? Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough?
I didn't work out today. I did work on the couch though. And cooked lunches for the next couple of days. And made an amends to someone I love. And did some laundry. Besides working a normal day - where I cried and felt overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. Its so counter productive, like being glued to the floor just when you need to outrun the zombies... Running, that's not something that I'm sure I can even do anymore.
Sobriety is so blatantly raw, and I don't get to hide anymore or run away. Everything is so bloody present. I don't get to put the dimmer on, everything is so in my face. Then a voice in my head screams at me for being ungrateful. Isn't this stark reality better than the years of lies? Isn't it better to feel broke because you're actually paying off debt? Instead of just spending with little regard for the financial consequences? It's like hankering after an unhealthy ex boyfriend.
I feel hard by done over fitness and diet. But I'm the one making the rules.
One day at a time I guess? I got stuff done today. I didn't cheat on my diet. I will be OK... I do need a decent massage pronto though...
No comments:
Post a Comment