Where To Begin?

So? Where to begin?

 

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m on day 13 of 20mg of Citraz – it can take up to 6 weeks… 42 days… to level out after an increase in dosage. I had to admit defeat; I had to admit that I wasn’t coping on 15mg anymore. I think I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not a failure for needing more chemical help; I’m a winner to be managing my depression.

 

I have been sober for 18 days. And I’m serious this time around. I didn’t manage to have a whole sober September. I “cheated” for a fancy dinner on the 18^th of September and then just carried on cheating. I don’t remember if I drank every day, probably not. I definitely had too much to drink at the fancy dinner, and then on a few occasions after that. I pulled a real horrid move and passed out at Rocking The Daisies (a music festival)… I managed to vomit on my gorgeous new boyfriend. By some miracle, he is still my boyfriend. I promised him that I wouldn’t drink for the rest of 2013. I told my psychiatrist that I’d stop for 6 months and then reassess. Then I went to a support meeting and had to admit that I was out of control. It would be an insult to myself and the whole program to call this a temporary fix. I have to do this.

 

Nobody wants to tell me I have a problem to my face. But then again nobody wanted to call me fat 5 months ago either… I am not in control; I’ve been numbing my depression and all the insecurities that come with it, with alcohol. Self-medicating they call it.

 

So I’ve had enough of that life – I’ve been sober for 18 days. I have support and I’m making changes. It’s not a very comfortable place to be in emotionally, along with adapting to a new dosage and my famous PMS.

 

My weight has stabilised at 68kg – making it a solid 15kg lost. When my body feels stronger (I’ve felt rather run down and fluey lately) I will resume my exercise regime.  I’ve been eating carbs and little treats every so often, but primarily still following Dukan.

 

As will many of my posts, I may have been too honest, too open. I ask for your support and respect.