Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four: