A fear of happiness?

 

My parents are very wise, and I was in distress yesterday. There is something wrong with me; I harpoon my own love life… like seriously. I don’t know how I’m wired, I can be an awesome friend… but add a romance angle to that and I’m a spoilt toddler. I stamp my little feet, I whine, and I say the most horrid things. I've totally messed up.

Dad asked me if I was afraid of being happy, if I thought that I didn’t deserve it. I had to nod. I feel happy, I feel loved… but then I get afraid that it will be taken away from me and I shove it away before the bottom can fall out of my dreams.

I get very possessive; I’m possessive over certain friends, to a point where I can practically hear myself hiss at anyone I see as a threat. I’m petrified of being rejected. My best friend broke up with me when we were 13… said I was clingy. I probably was… am I like that now? Surely I’m a grown up now? Surely I can let it go? 

I’m working so hard to change my view of myself. My body has changed, my mind is still changing.  I’m trying to see myself like God sees me, like other people see me, like I really am. I don’t think that my self-image matches the reality. I’d like to think that I’m not mean and moody all the time. That I deserve love. I have so much love to give… I need to shove it forward, and calm the hell down.

That said, I think I’ve totally blown it…. I want to scream and scream.

I don't know what I'm doing....