The Secret

You dropped your secret
I picked it up
I hid it in my mouth
You turned
You asked if I’d seen your secret
I just shook my head
The violence of the shake
Make me swallow
That seed of a secret
Took root in my belly
Your secret is now grown
Roots push down inside me
Branches scrape at my very organs
I keep my mouth tightly shut
Lest the secret bloom
And seed scatters from my lips.

- Sharon Paine 2016

Not Perfect : Day 99 #100daysofwriting

Vegging on a couch, babysitting and trying not to dwell on the fact that I've avoided posting all week. My weekend was amazing but I've been pretty down this week. The kind of down that you can't pinpoint the cause, you're just exhausted and drained.

I'm much better now and it really was just a dark cloud but it's hard to write in that space - you'd think not but the creativity dwindles and self pity sets in.

I really need a healing weekend. Maybe with a fresh canvas and some paints. Oh, on the note of painting - "Art Sauce" on Roeland St is amaaaazing. Buy all my birthday presents there please!!!

I suppose it is ok that I missed a few posts and I will catch them up. I'm not sure that I'm going to launch a new 100 day challenge on Saturday... a photography one on instagram maybe?

I'm glad it's Friday tomorrow... I need it.

99 Problems... but : Day 93 #100daysofwriting

It's been just over three weeks since I declared myself celibate for three months. It's a state of mind more that physical restraint because I've certainly gone longer than three months without a smooch in the past. I've sworn off online dating  (the idea is forever), flirting, crushing and chasing.

How this looks is : I deleted all phone numbers of random boys, deleted all dating apps, don't allow myself to check out guys (just look away) and am guarding against any pursuit of male company (other than already friend zoned boys). I'm pursuing female friendships and trying to be supportive of others. If someone asked me on a date I'd say no, arrange a group hang out or take them to church. It's actually very freeing to just check out of the scene for a while.

As I look around and see friends still engaged in the pursuit, or friends dealing with broken hearts... It's great to feel so detached from the merry-go-round.

Honestly? Day 92 #100daysofwriting

Honestly today was hard. The pain in my neck, shoulders and jaw are extreme. It actually runs right down my back and into my bum. I hate complaining because I know people live with worse pain. How I don't know.

I went to physio yesterday and still feel bruised. I know I just need to let my body heal but I feel like my muscles are in fire. My head hurts so much that noises smash against my temples.

I'm lying in bed now wondering if I should move my clock into the lounge. Thank goodness the kid upstairs has stopped running laps.

I'm sore and tired, plus on a mission to develop healthy sleep patterns... so good night x

Sleeping Beauty : Day 91 #100daysofwriting

Sleep.
I have a very weird relationship with sleep. I struggle to get to sleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning. I can sleep all day and afternoon naps are parr for the course on weekend afternoons.

Getting to sleep at night is pretty much a fight with my inner toddler. I seem afraid of missing out on life. Sometimes I get stuck into a book or series. Sometimes I'm really anxious. Sometimes it's too bright in my room. Or I'm cold. Or Arizona is restless. When I drank I usually had wine before bed so sleep came easily.

Waking up seems to be hindered by the same stubbornness. A reluctance to face the world and my responsibilities. It wasn't always like this. Obviously earlier to bed would help!

Sometimes I totally crash and have a bed day - I can sleep the whole day when I'm run down. I'm not sure how healthy it is because I usually wake up dehydrated and starving. Arizona loves these days! I'm really hankering for a bed day soon! The irony is it is never too bright for day sleeping, it only matters at night! Naps I suppose are mini versions and are usually a few hours long.

I really do enjoy sleeping and usually dream, so I don't know why I am so stubborn about going to sleep! I'm very determined to improve in this area! Wish me luck!

DEFY : Day 90 #100daysofwriting

I'm writing my own mantra here... Do Everything For You. Yes... DEFY.

 

This isn't about being selfish, it's about making changes for you, not for anyone else. I stopped drinking to save my own life. I need to eat well and exercise for my own well being - not to conform to someone elses ideal for me.

 

I've got into a stage of neglecting myself. I got stressed and didn't exercise - now I'm in horrible pain with my neck, shoulders and jaw... again. My teeth actually ache. I've booked a session with my physio in the morning to help unclench the knots I've tied.

 

I was directed to an article in the Dailymail about the link between stress, tension and breathing. It made so much sense - I breathe short and shallow, sometimes even holding my breath and sighing. It's all terribly unhealthy!

 

I really need to get serious about yoga classes again. It will take some sacrifice and better time management but I'm falling apart without it! It doesn't matter if I look fat or clumsy - I need to breathe, I need to stretch.

 

Hope I can give a positive report back soon!

 

Midnight Snack : Day 89 #100daysofwriting

Ironically I'm not writing at midnight,  for a change, but I am feeling seriously snackish.

I realised today that I'm 6 weeks away from a weight loss deadline and I'm really not making an effort. Eating cake today and not making time for gym - well it's looking like the norm rather than the exception.

I'm not going to beat myself up, tomorrow is a new day. I will however just lie in bed obessing about food. *sigh*

I actually just really crave a Peanut Butter Bliss smoothie from Kauai. (And no this isn't a sponsored post, but I will accept free smoothies) It is packed with peanut butter, chocolate, banana, low fat milk and frozen yoghurt. Yes please.

I really crave peanuts when I'm hungry. It's probably the protein. The more natural the better. I love red skin peanuts and avoid the small oily ones.

Chocolate is a given. As is the dairy.

Bananas - I've had a strange relationship with them. Hating them as a toddler. Picking my own from my grandpa's tree as a kid. Now only grabbing fruit in general when I really need a sugar burst. Bananas do remain my favourite source of quick energy between meetings.

Ok I better go to sleep now... maybe I can feast in my dreams.

Penguin Love Triangle : Day 88 #100daysofwriting

I went to a penguin rehab/sanctuary with a few friends today. (It's called Sancob). Besides being amazed at the facilities and learning that penguins swallow fish whole... I was struck by their love-lives.

So, they have one permanent resistant penguin who isn't an African Penguin like the others. I'm not going to Google her breed, but she has those long yellow eyebrows.

Anyway, the sanctuary tried to bring in a husband for her - cos penguins are all about life commitments - and they didn't click at all! Instead she fell in love with a married penguin and now stands outside his nest  declaring her love and pissing off his wife... yeah dude... it is way to close to home!

I hardly ever fall for the guy I'm supposed to love... It's always the unavailable and unsuitable. I don't think an arranged marriage would work for me either. I can't believe I'm just like that lonely penguin!

On a side note... we learned that a local wild penguin colony has a problem with infidelity... throw in rumours of homosexuality... oh and the only way to gender identify a penguin is with a blood test... I think we have the makings of a very indentifiable reality show on our hands.

I am starting to wonder if my spirit animal is a penguin...

Cloudy Moon, Cloudy Sun : Day 87 #100daysofwriting

Last night I looked at the sky, as lightening flashed and saw the moon mostly hidden by clouds. I felt like I was in a werewolf movie. It's amazing how a cloud covered moon creates an air of supernatural danger.

That might sound like a tired cliche but wait.

When ever a see the sun covered by clouds, and I mean the sunbeaming backlit kind, not the cold grey hidden  Sun. I think of Jesus ascending to heaven. My granny had a Bible story book with the exact scene depicted.

Anyway, I was just struck by the similarity but opposite connotations.

Someone There : Day 86 #100daysofwriting

Read my palm
Look at the leaves
Give me something
In which to believe
Beat the drum
Clang the chimes
Tell me I'm not
Completely out of time
Write out your prediction
Swear it in blood
Channel the spirit
Of absolute love