Why I don't want to date you #100creativedays Day 35

Close on the heels of yesterday's post... I ask you, what do you bring to the table?

Again... I've rubbed shoulders not only with the illiterate, but the down-right-inappropriate. This might sound horrifically judgmental, but why would I, a 31 year old with property and 10 pensionable years of work under my very stylish belt, want to date a 19 year old Butlers Delivery Boy? I did that when I was 19 and it was beneath me... Ok, ok, the particular guy was doing that as his JOB, not as pocket money while studying Rocket Science.

But back to present Butler, yes, he found me online. His reply to "we're not in the same life stage" was met with "I want to get married and have kids too!" - aw, bless... No. Judging from his photos, Butlers doesn't pay enough for him to buy a shirt let alone nappies.

The notion of a man supporting a woman 100% financially is seen as old fashioned... How do we see a woman supporting a man 100% financially? Not fashionable... As in, a woman would have no money for fashion... I fail to see the draw card...

Then we get the guy who at close to 40, does not own a car for some hippy reason - he rides a bicycle, and doesn't really like to be more than 500m from his home. His idea of a first date is "come over and cuddle on the couch" - eeep, NO.

I have no intention of being the primary chauffeur. No. Been there, done that, had my driving criticized within an inch of my sanity...

The men with cars and property seem to be old enough to be my dad - I do not want step children old enough to have matriculated with me!

Whilst still a vegetarian I went on a few dates with a guy who worked for KFC. Yeah... That made sense.

I do have a checklist of sorts, I don't deny it, I think it's important. Surely a tall, Christian, early 30s, car owning, job having, intelligent, single, straight man exists in Cape Town? Oh and please let him be sort of attractive...

Please Don't Date Me #100creativedays Day 34

I've dabbled in my fair share on Online Dating, dated a man or two based purely on his biceps, and at least one foreigner.

Ok, foreigner aside... Spell check much?
I am not a 12 year old girl, you are not a 12 year old girl, why write messages to me in the broken excuse for English that is "sms\chat\whatsapp speak"?

No, I do not want to "chat nawty"... with that spelling... I do not want to communicate with you at all! What? You reply with "thort u kewl"

I once went on a date with a guy who besides being a stingy tipper, sent me this joke (spelling as is):

"Wot did the pencil say to the cumpus? Make the sirkle bigger"

Every fibre of my being screams. Is it THAT difficult to spell correctly? To throw a logical sentence together?

there vs their
your vs you're
practice vs practise (ok, lesser known)

I understand small mistakes: sometimes we type too fast, on the run, drunk, half asleep... But if you're completely incapable, in this age of spell check and autocorrect... Please just go... This girl sure as heck ain't interested!

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get spell check..."

PREGNANT?

Yes, the title is controversial enough to drive people to my blog.
No, I’m not pregnant; I’m just fat – that being the subject of this post.
Yes, people ask me all the time.
Yes, that is very rude.
Yes, but, I do have a big tummy.

  have been on Dukan for 5 days now, and have tried eating plans before. I’ve managed to shift the kilos off over the years, and then pile them back on… usually they bring friends. I am very determined to make this work and have already dropped 3kg to date. I have more energy and the flu symptoms that have bugged me for weeks are gone. (yeah, I barely believe what I’m saying either). This all said, I’ve decided to write this post, and hope that you won’t look at me with pity, but rather laugh along with me. It is a funny, yet very hurtful truth about my life.

FACTS
Most of my fat sits on my stomach
I’ve always had weak stomach muscles
Stress, food and even a full bladder bloat me
I’ve been accused of pregnancy at every weight from 60kg to 80kg…. possibly even at 58kgs where I looked like a lollipop. SERIOUSLY?

I will share some gems with you:

@ THE THEME PARK
The ride operator didn’t want to let me on the ride, insisted that I was pregnant and they couldn’t allow it. It was Ratanga, at Monkey Falls, so I just jumped into the boat with them screaming at me and me screaming back “BUT I’M NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT”

@THE BAR # 1 aka ON A DATE #1
I went to play pool with a guy who I fancied, he’s just taken me out for pizza dinner (cue bloat), but I was wearing a sexy flowy top – designed to hide the tummy and show off the boobs…. And we bumped into a friend of his, who wasted no time to ask if I was pregnant… even though I was on like my 2nd date with this guy AND drinking…. *cringe*

@THE BAR #2
I recently went to the Bay Harbour Market with Gorgeous Guy Bestie…. And we order cocktails; GGB looked so confused as the barman asked “One without alcohol, right?”…. And I melted into the floor…. I was sucking my stomach in hard that I almost fainted while making faces at GGB. Barman took this as his cue to say “Because she is pregnant”…. GGB doesn’t miss a beat and says “Well she isn’t”. I very suspiciously sucked at my Moscow Mule (don’t order one there, they’re not nice) and asked Barman three times if he had put alcohol in it….

@ WORK
Once while being frisked by security.... a few times by suppliers who were either happy for me or concerned that I was going on maternity leave.... once by a nosey new receptionist who asked me repeatedly if I was sure that I'd only been away on holiday, not maternity leave.

ON A DATE #2
The date was finished, but we popped into a store, the chain that I work for in fact…. One of the sales assistants’ asks me “Are you pregnant”…. I’m sucking my tummy and cheeks in as I shake my head, hoping the hottie I’m with hasn’t heard…. THEN she says “You’re not? Can I touch it?” And proceeds to rub my stomach…. Say whaaaaaaaaaat, yes…. Didn’t see the hottie again…. Fortunately because he turned out to be a tad dodge… not because of my hideous deformity…

COUNTLESS TIMES AT P ‘n P
Pick ‘n Pay is a grocery store (I say this because apparently I have a big readership in the Northern Hemisphere). Tellers like to ask…. Sometimes I let someone believe it because they offer me the last trolley…. I didn’t let it go when I was standing in line with my friend’s boyfriend, and a keen lady was rubbing my belly uninvited and grinning up at friend’s bf…. Guys never seem to know what is happening… he’s like “what was happening there?”…. my reply of “she thinks I’m carrying your baby” was not met with much approval… figures.

ON THE TUBE
Ok, so getting a seat while everyone else stands... in a foreign country.... yeah, I'll let that go. My skinny friend figured it out after she'd been ignored and I'd been offered a seat for the second time in the same day.... ;)

This is really just a select few occurrences, most of it blurs into:

A stranger is touching me…. “When are you due?”
“If you’re not pregnant, then why do you look like that?”
Suggestive hand movements indicating a large belly
Denial of alcohol and dangerous behaviour
Blushes
Awkward apologies
Or no apologies at all “well you LOOK pregnant….”

I accept it, it’s just embarrassing… it happens to celebrities every few months.... hopefully by the end of the year this will all be a distant memory…. Until I really do have a baby in my belly…. One not made of food…

Ok, look at that belly!