Happy Easter!

Lonely Biscuit

Brother worked late last night.... and now tonight too....  I, the little loner, am sooooo lonely and at a loose end. I wanted to ask someone to go to dinner with me, but I actually loathe trying to make last minute plans, especially seeing as I'm sans car at the moment. I have a lot of friends, but somehow still seem to have nights where I don't know who to call, or who I feel like being with.... so ridiculous. I wanted something low key, so ended up making myself a pizza, cracking a bottle of wine, starting a bit of a "Lie To Me" marathon, while dabbling with work mail. So current state is - couch, wine, show, laptop.

I feel a bit insecure - not about work now, just in the way that I teared up over someone's wedding video today, and got misty eyed over Granny. And I wish I had someone to cuddle on the couch. Gone drug free today, so my shoulders are seized up to my ears. Bleeeeeergh.... and I'm denied my kitten.
Maybe it's time to design my own footy pyjamas with a special wine pocket - like a straw into a pap sak type set-up.... who needs a boyfriend when I can be drunk 'n comfy?

What's depression like?

I see London, I see France, I see....

On my UK trip last year, I stayed with 5 different families (essentially). I've been fortunate enough, in the last seven months, to have the one family move back to CT, two of the families come visit (technically a third were here but I missed out of seeing them!) and the final family are coming to visit for Christmas! I feel very blessed and feel no need to travel outside of South Africa this year.

The trip really changed my life, opened my eyes and gave me a confidence I thought I'd lost. My parents have never been overseas - my dad is a bit of a home body, so I'm working on my mom. I'm pretty determined that we will go to Europe in July / August next year. A dear friend moved to Lyon close on four months ago - so we have someone to visit in France. We have people in London and Scotland. I'm sure we could bunk down somewhere in Amsterdam, or Prague, Italy or Spain.... *drifts into a daydream*

This REALLY needs to happen.....

Fighting Dragons

I took 2 days off work last week, combined with a public holiday and the weekend; this was five glorious days away from work. I don’t really know what has been going on in my head, but some of my negative feelings were coming back, I felt inadequate and as if I was drowning. I started to cling to my bed in the way I used to, wanting to hide, my body ached. I didn’t want to be sliding down this path again. I told myself that I was putting too much pressure on myself, friends told me too – but I didn’t really help or change anything.

 On the first day of my leave, on the way to the beach, I got a call from my assistant – someone wanted to meet with me, they wanted something from us, but couldn’t give us proper details, and I had to meet them on Monday, quite a drive outside of town. The underlining vibe was that this was important, from the top down…. I was petrified; I didn’t know how to prepare…. I threw up last night. Something was so scary about this meeting. It had been looming in the back of my mind for my whole mini break, stabbing at my tense shoulders (my shoulder muscles really crunched up in the accident)… how absolutely lame is that???

 I wrote on Facebook this morning that I felt like a five year old being sent to slay a dragon – the dragon being this meeting, the scary scary meeting. I arrived at work and then found out that the “Dragon Battle” was only scheduled for Tuesday morning. This gave me some time to prepare. I could mail the Dragon and ask what he wanted…. Longish story short, I didn’t have what he wanted, and my superiors told me I was wasting my time, so I managed to delegate the fight to a better equipped knight, so to speak.

WOW – the relief that ran through me – I felt alive. I got a ton of work done, started delegating more away from myself, bouncing questions back at difficult people…. I had the power back. I had got someone else to slay the dragon for me. Why did I worry so much?

This made me think about the pressure I put myself under. To be perfect, in everything – focusing on the things I’m not, instead of what I am – a funny, loving, creative girl! Yes, I’m really FULL of all three of those. Full to bursting.

I was also reminded of a Quite Time from my “Women’s Study Bible” – yes, and it’s PINK. There is a track, as they call it, entitled “You Don’t Kill a Giant Every Day”. Revolutionary stuff I tell you. The reading covers 1 Samuel 21:1-15 – they story of how David hides from Saul. This is the David of “David and Goliath”, who a mere 4 chapters before had slain a GIANT, he not only hid in the face of danger in this chapter, but in verse 12-13:

“David heard these comments and was afraid of what King Achish might do to him. So he pretended to be insane, scratching on doors and drooling down his beard”

Excuse me while I feel better about any time I’ve had a little cry in the loo at work! The point is, we aren’t always brave, and that’s ok – all over the Bible it talks of God fighting for us.

I don’t often talk about my faith on this blog, and I should. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through half the dramas in my life without God.  

Crash-Boom-Bang

“Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard”

                                         - Crash Test Dummies

I got into an accident yesterday on the way to work. It wasn’t bad in the mangled metal and bruises kind of way… more like the car that I rear ended still worked… and I was stuck in the intersection with a dead car… and obviously it was raining… me and a broken car, in the rain… a tad cliché now – ok maybe it only happened twice before. But rain does add a hideous melodrama to any mishap. Or is it me adding the melodrama? *throw hands in the air* It’s all about the story, dear reader!
Anyway, I’m in one piece, I’m insured…. And oh, how convenient…. I’m getting a salary bump at the end of the month… but, I also have a list of expenses… I did just buy a flat after all *sigh*

Let’s jump back 11 years to when I was 19, a poor student and learner driver…. When I wrote off my dad’s car, on a rainy night and both my parents landed up in hospital…. … That was a bad accident, and I really do think a part of me shattered that night…. I’m mostly put back together, but every so often a sharp edge tears at me a little bit, and I feel the fear…. Maybe that’s why I got such a huge fright yesterday, why I was bawling on the side of the road as if my heart was broken?

I think that’s all I want to say for now…. Everything will be ok, it always is….

 

Chewing The Fat - Quote #2 - Winnie The Pooh Style

 

 

 

Soon My Precious... Soon

Brother and I met with the Chairman of the Body Corporate, and the Managing Agent. The meeting went well, in the sense that we have more confidence in how they are handling our building. Long story short – no to the cat…. We could get one… but it would be ill advised and we’d stand a chance of needing to re-home the cat… yes, that’s totally want I want… to bond and then have my baby ripped from my arms (although I’m confident that Mom would house the cat).

Not much more to say on the subject…. The fight isn’t over… but I feel less upset now. Maybe in a few months I will legally be allowed to adopt a sweet furry baby.

Fighting For My Rights!

I haven’t blogged much about the stress we went through with buying – finding the flat was reasonably easy – the admin and drama afterwards….not so much. I stressed a lot. I’m still stressing.

I feel less “grown-up” now that I actually own property – probably because I feel smothered by the Body Corporate rules and the say they have in my life, our lives.  Literally 3 days after we got the keys, they had their AGM, we couldn’t attend, it was short noticed and we already had commitments (in my case, I was MC’ing the end of year function). At this meeting they decided to increase the levies by 40%.... yeah…. FORTY… apparently they hadn’t increased the levies in years… lucky us. We could stomach that, but then they asked for R15-20k as a special levy – with no set due date. This is pretty insane when we are still working on the flat, lusting after wooden coffee tables and new light fittings. You get the idea…

Then to top it off, contrary to the rules, they turned down my request for a kitten – keep in mind that when we bought the flat, the previous owners had 3 cats! I was shattered. I NEED a small furry companion. I spend 4 years living in a building where all pets were outlawed, only to have my request turned down in an (apparently) pet friendly block. Seriously! I’d already picked out my gorgeous grey kitten…. I was a home visit and a few hundred buck away from my very own, just mine, little furry friend.

We’ve set up a meeting with the BC for tomorrow, so I’m hoping that I can control my desire to physically attack…. I want my kitten! If I don’t convince them tomorrow…. I might need your support in picketing….

New Year - the girl I am going to be #4

BLERGH BELLY

I have a bug... or something.... I took a sick day yesterday, finished reading "Mirror Mirror" by Gregory Maguire, read the whole of "The Importance of Being Married" by Gemma Townley... and groaned a lot.
I came to work today because I felt the weight of responsibility... but mostly because I was ploughing through my new books too fast. I also felt a bit lonely...
Today was not amazing - my body hurt, my head hurt, my tummy hurt.... so why did I go to work? Was it really the responsibility, or the books? No, deep down, it's because I have plans tonight and knew that I couldn't play with my friends if I didn't go to work.... will I ever grow up?

I get a sore tummy a lot, like more than most people. Wheat isn't my friend (which probably makes my diet of salticrax today counter productive?), depression hurts and swells my stomach, my antidepressants mess with my stomach, nerves mess with my stomach, happiness messes with my stomach, sadness messes with my stomach, sometimes alcohol is good, sometime bad... people rub my tummy - mostly to congratulate me on the baby (grrrr, there isn't one!) or to tell me it's big, or like my tiny neighbour - to heal it.

I think all my emotions leak into my stomach, like poison.... it's always been like this.... first dates where I'm farting like crazy (thanks tummy), presentations where I'm sure I'm going to throw up, that Valentine's fight that literally made me throw up....

I also seem to catch bugs so easily.... like that summer where I got a 4 day gastro... I projectile threw up at my friend's wedding reception... best friend's wedding.... I was a bridesmaid.... I was mortified...
I've thrown up on my brother while he slept - ok we were very young, and it was on his Blanky.... i think he would have preferred it on him - the DRAMA over Blanky....

Don't get me started on the hangovers and nasty periods....
Not sure why I told you all this... but yeah, it's my blog, I'll over-share if I want to ;)

Of Mirrors, Meat and Men

I’ve had a fantastic first day as Queen of All Thing Outdoorsy Clothing Add-Ons…. I’ve decided to abolish the word “Accessories” from my title in light of the trauma experienced the last time I was an Accessories Buyer… see my post from earlier today. Putting that aside, I’m very happy and content, at home, waiting for the oven to reach 200 degrees, drinking a wine-apple juice combo (I was on the dregs of my pap sak… and decided to fool myself into thinking I had a full glass by adding apple juice…. Obviously, I’ve pretty much downed it). I have weird blurry eyes, not from wine, but from what they call an ocular migraine… a headache in my eyes if you will… I find chewing gummy bears cures it… but yeah… I’m just pushing through with wine tonight ;)

Onto to M to the power of three title…

MIRRORS

I went to the Community Chest Carnival last night with the fandam… so 1992, I know! But I honestly love it for the German sausage (easy there Dear Reader… the food) and the BOOKS… I’m a total slut when it comes to cheap books… I managed to fill my arms with books, like those kids on the Reggies Toy Run, I was in my element and looking to score big. I did unfortunately need to liberate some of the books… it seems that I was a big too greedy… in the end walking away with seven books for the amazing price of R190! Oh fraptious day!

Ok, on to “mirrors” – one of the books I picked up was “Mirror Mirror” by Gregory Maguire. Not that movie, the book, also about Snow White… but different Dear Reader! This is the same author who brought us “Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West” – YES, like the musical!!! And I didn’t even notice the connection until I got home… started reading it and am hooked… waiting for my pizza before I dive back in. This isn't the soft tale of Snow White... it's Snow White meets the Borgias... literally... instead of a evil step mother... Lucrezia steps in....

MEAT

With all this debacle about how meat suppliers (and most likely retailers) lie to us about what animal we’re actually eating… I’ve decided on a vegetarian dinner (read: I’m too lazy to defrost and cook chicken to add to my frozen mushroom pizza). I’m not one to blog about big social issues (ok, maybe drinking and driving), but… SERIOUSLY? It is cheaper to source donkey and water buffalo, than cow? Who thinks…. Beef sausage… too difficult… lets round up some water buffalo? And what about the implications for people keeping Kosher or Hahaal? Someone asked me today why I care, because I don’t have religious dietary restrictions, but seriously? Human rights? Basic freedom of information! Why should we believe any food labels at all? The ingredients, the kilojoule breakdowns? What’s hiding in our bread??? Do I need to raise my own tea cup pigs and bantam hens to get honest bacon and eggs? That would show the Body Corporate for turning down my application for a kitten… *rubs palms together*

MEN

Pah, it just rhymed… I could have said marrow or mouse….

Adieu darlings!!!

FIRST DAY OF THE BIG PROMOTION

 

 

So, I officially got the promotion about 6 weeks ago, and have already been "doing" large chunks of the job, but today it is OFFICIAL. I feel so happy, excited, grown-up and bloody important... watch me strut.... look at my crown :)

 

It's a big achievement actually, just short of 3 years ago, I had a break down of sorts, after about 6 month to a year of slowing sliding into a deep depression. My work was suffering, my life was suffering. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I hated my job.

 

I remember getting on me knees at the Easter service that year and begging God to rescue me. I promised to do whatever it took, whatever God needed of me, I just needed my life to change.

 

This came in the shape of a weeping breakdown at work, my very considerate boss suggested a change of position - a demotion of sorts, but without a pay cut. I was so grateful, and through tears agreed. Over the next 2 months I worked so hard, both at home and at work. Personally I returned to therapy, started my meds again - with a lot of help from my friends, one in particular who urged me to push through when the meds made me constantly nauseous - asking me if deep despair was preferable to nausea. The handover of position took 2 months, I had to do a lot to basically sort out the mess of samples and notes that I understood but that wasn't ok to leave someone with.

 

It was the best thing that could have ever happened.

 

Over the last 3 years, I've been nestled in a supportive department, with incredible mentors. I've mentioned the coaching from last year in previous posts. I am strong now, and confident. And I have my old position back, in a way, but it's SO MUCH BIGGER NOW!

 

Here's to the future :)