Kickass : Day 43 #100daysofwriting

So... Last night's mini post was a gorgeous frolic in self pity city.

As can be expected; a good sleep, busy day, gym and actually giving a damn about people other than myself, helped. Oh and I moved my furniture around. 

Today was probably "worse" that yesterday, but felt so much better!

I'm really tapping into the good sporty example of certain people in my life. I gymed just a little longer and harder today. I feel like my healthier eating is helping my body and mind.

I found this medicine called "One Day Flu Cure" - which is basically a cinnamon oil suspension - I took it twice on Saturday, and have just popped a dose every morning since. My cold symptoms are greatly suppressed and I have a certain vigor about me. *chuckle*

I've also tried to be there for the people around me. This feels like bragging but it's what our purpose is... Living in community. We should all be "giving a damn" about the person across the office, the street, the world. I think the key is that you help and care but don't carry their burden on your own back. I basically got that advice first thing this morning and it changed my attitude. Look! I just passed it on to you!

OK, sleep time! Hope my positive vibes help you!

Headspace : Day 42 #100daysofwriting

I'm in a weird headspace. Picture me weeping over a sitcom where a girl gives her baby up for adoption. Shaking with tears.

I packed too much into my evening last night and lay awake for hours. Feel like tonight could go the same way. Or not. I'm so sleepy and really don't want to write a post. I know I'm actually just afraid that I might start to unpack some of the things that are on my mind. Things that keep me up at night aren't easy to discuss. My head is a jumble of stuff - not all of it even my stuff.

I'm just going to try to sleep now.

peace x

Why I Write

Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Hey Girl : Day 40 #100daysofwriting

Hey girl
With the sun in her eyes
Leaves in her hair
Laughter in her lungs
Twirling under the arches
Making waves that pulse
With music and song
Fingers trail over stone made warm
Moss clings to cracks
Water steals from hidden springs
Hey girl
With giggles in her cheeks
Wind in her ears
Stolen moments in her heart

My Vibe : Day 39 #100daysofwriting

It is pretty late on a Sunday night to be awake, but I often struggle to fall asleep on a Sunday. This evening I stayed up later on purpose to better prep for the week. I neglected to prepare for this past week and everything felt off kilter. Some are blaming the moon and the proximity of Jupiter - but I do need to admit to dropping the ball last week, and it was havoc.

 

I found this cool quote on Pinterest "your vibe attracts your tribe"

 

I'm mulling it over. Over the last 1 and 3/4 years (yes, 21 months today) I've lost some friends and gained many.

 

Losing friends has been a result of differing views, the changes in my life style and quite possibly my increased honesty. I could be pretty shallow at times, and maybe damage was done long ago - maybe my defects of character were more accepted when they could be dismissed as drunken behaviour. News flash - I'm still capable of bad decisions, now I just care more about the results.

 

Anyway - I've been trying to find a sense of self acceptance by appreciating and noticing the people/places/things that make me glad. I enjoy deep conversations with friends and family. I like feeling useful. I helped at a soup kitchen today and it was fun. I like a quiet Friday night. I have amazing friends. I love being sober. I enjoy being organised. I like cooking healthy food for my family.

 

I think we all often focus on who or what we aren't. I just want to be happy with who I am. I like me. I like that being me seems to attract some pretty amazing people and opportunities.

xxx

My Day : Day 38 #100daysofwriting

Hey

Writing everyday is quite a challenge. I think it the past I just specified "creative" so photos or baking counted as tasks.

I'm happily tired. I've had a good social day and got to have quality conversation with four different friends, separately today. I've had posh hot chocolate at two places, eaten barone cheese cake, extolled the wonders of baby marrow noodles, lusted over leather bags, bought jewellery, shared recipes, received advice, given advise, walked a Chihuahua , hugged many people, cuddled a cat, worn three Amanda Laird Cherry items... Busy day...

Xxx

Innocence Revisited : Day 37 #100daysofwriting

I had such a lovely day today with family who are visiting CT. I think the highlight was hanging with my 3 year old cousin. (In the broad sense of cousin, think cousin's kid scenario)

I love that age and really wonder if my inner child didn't stop growing at 3. So much to learn and say and see.

We explored the garden. I tried to teach her the names of certain plants - like "black-eyed Susan" - and showed her how to identify ripe gooseberries, although she was very into picking green ones just to show me that they weren't ripe. We checked out bunnies and fish. We stood quietly to hear the birds in the trees. We laughed a lot.

We even went for a beach walk which was very exciting and a total work out of me! I think we could have both been inducted into The Ministry of Funny Walks! We twirled. We ate ice cream. We held hands.

And at the end of the day? She'd learnt to say "Are you crazy?"  and not a single plant name. I'm still proud.

As a side note there were many adults around too, deep conversations were had, but I got to have a toddler play date and it made my day. xxx

Finalization - a poem for S : Day 36 #100daysofwriting

Finalization
The word bores into me
Like hungry beetles
A realization
Of our finality
The end
Pens scrape
And I'm free of you
Memories are pebbles
In my shoes
The ache of roads walked
In vain
The petals of love
Understanding
Friendship
Crushed by the rocks
You flung
No more of you
Of us
To be endured
Final
Closed
Done

Sober & Single : Day 35 #100daysofwriting

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.

 

I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?

 

I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.

 

I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?

 

I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.