Do Not Feed The Sharon

I'm not dieting as such, but cleaning up my eating.
It is too easy to be lazy about preparing decent lunch and dinner, and to actually have any breakfast at all! I love eating and seem to think that food is a reward. I like to reward myself too much.

I will elaborate later.... for now... keep refined carbs away from me....

Happy Easter!

Lonely Biscuit

Brother worked late last night.... and now tonight too....  I, the little loner, am sooooo lonely and at a loose end. I wanted to ask someone to go to dinner with me, but I actually loathe trying to make last minute plans, especially seeing as I'm sans car at the moment. I have a lot of friends, but somehow still seem to have nights where I don't know who to call, or who I feel like being with.... so ridiculous. I wanted something low key, so ended up making myself a pizza, cracking a bottle of wine, starting a bit of a "Lie To Me" marathon, while dabbling with work mail. So current state is - couch, wine, show, laptop.

I feel a bit insecure - not about work now, just in the way that I teared up over someone's wedding video today, and got misty eyed over Granny. And I wish I had someone to cuddle on the couch. Gone drug free today, so my shoulders are seized up to my ears. Bleeeeeergh.... and I'm denied my kitten.
Maybe it's time to design my own footy pyjamas with a special wine pocket - like a straw into a pap sak type set-up.... who needs a boyfriend when I can be drunk 'n comfy?

What's depression like?

I see London, I see France, I see....

On my UK trip last year, I stayed with 5 different families (essentially). I've been fortunate enough, in the last seven months, to have the one family move back to CT, two of the families come visit (technically a third were here but I missed out of seeing them!) and the final family are coming to visit for Christmas! I feel very blessed and feel no need to travel outside of South Africa this year.

The trip really changed my life, opened my eyes and gave me a confidence I thought I'd lost. My parents have never been overseas - my dad is a bit of a home body, so I'm working on my mom. I'm pretty determined that we will go to Europe in July / August next year. A dear friend moved to Lyon close on four months ago - so we have someone to visit in France. We have people in London and Scotland. I'm sure we could bunk down somewhere in Amsterdam, or Prague, Italy or Spain.... *drifts into a daydream*

This REALLY needs to happen.....

Fighting Dragons

I took 2 days off work last week, combined with a public holiday and the weekend; this was five glorious days away from work. I don’t really know what has been going on in my head, but some of my negative feelings were coming back, I felt inadequate and as if I was drowning. I started to cling to my bed in the way I used to, wanting to hide, my body ached. I didn’t want to be sliding down this path again. I told myself that I was putting too much pressure on myself, friends told me too – but I didn’t really help or change anything.

 On the first day of my leave, on the way to the beach, I got a call from my assistant – someone wanted to meet with me, they wanted something from us, but couldn’t give us proper details, and I had to meet them on Monday, quite a drive outside of town. The underlining vibe was that this was important, from the top down…. I was petrified; I didn’t know how to prepare…. I threw up last night. Something was so scary about this meeting. It had been looming in the back of my mind for my whole mini break, stabbing at my tense shoulders (my shoulder muscles really crunched up in the accident)… how absolutely lame is that???

 I wrote on Facebook this morning that I felt like a five year old being sent to slay a dragon – the dragon being this meeting, the scary scary meeting. I arrived at work and then found out that the “Dragon Battle” was only scheduled for Tuesday morning. This gave me some time to prepare. I could mail the Dragon and ask what he wanted…. Longish story short, I didn’t have what he wanted, and my superiors told me I was wasting my time, so I managed to delegate the fight to a better equipped knight, so to speak.

WOW – the relief that ran through me – I felt alive. I got a ton of work done, started delegating more away from myself, bouncing questions back at difficult people…. I had the power back. I had got someone else to slay the dragon for me. Why did I worry so much?

This made me think about the pressure I put myself under. To be perfect, in everything – focusing on the things I’m not, instead of what I am – a funny, loving, creative girl! Yes, I’m really FULL of all three of those. Full to bursting.

I was also reminded of a Quite Time from my “Women’s Study Bible” – yes, and it’s PINK. There is a track, as they call it, entitled “You Don’t Kill a Giant Every Day”. Revolutionary stuff I tell you. The reading covers 1 Samuel 21:1-15 – they story of how David hides from Saul. This is the David of “David and Goliath”, who a mere 4 chapters before had slain a GIANT, he not only hid in the face of danger in this chapter, but in verse 12-13:

“David heard these comments and was afraid of what King Achish might do to him. So he pretended to be insane, scratching on doors and drooling down his beard”

Excuse me while I feel better about any time I’ve had a little cry in the loo at work! The point is, we aren’t always brave, and that’s ok – all over the Bible it talks of God fighting for us.

I don’t often talk about my faith on this blog, and I should. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through half the dramas in my life without God.  

Crash-Boom-Bang

“Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard”

                                         - Crash Test Dummies

I got into an accident yesterday on the way to work. It wasn’t bad in the mangled metal and bruises kind of way… more like the car that I rear ended still worked… and I was stuck in the intersection with a dead car… and obviously it was raining… me and a broken car, in the rain… a tad cliché now – ok maybe it only happened twice before. But rain does add a hideous melodrama to any mishap. Or is it me adding the melodrama? *throw hands in the air* It’s all about the story, dear reader!
Anyway, I’m in one piece, I’m insured…. And oh, how convenient…. I’m getting a salary bump at the end of the month… but, I also have a list of expenses… I did just buy a flat after all *sigh*

Let’s jump back 11 years to when I was 19, a poor student and learner driver…. When I wrote off my dad’s car, on a rainy night and both my parents landed up in hospital…. … That was a bad accident, and I really do think a part of me shattered that night…. I’m mostly put back together, but every so often a sharp edge tears at me a little bit, and I feel the fear…. Maybe that’s why I got such a huge fright yesterday, why I was bawling on the side of the road as if my heart was broken?

I think that’s all I want to say for now…. Everything will be ok, it always is….

 

Chewing The Fat - Quote #2 - Winnie The Pooh Style

 

 

 

Soon My Precious... Soon

Brother and I met with the Chairman of the Body Corporate, and the Managing Agent. The meeting went well, in the sense that we have more confidence in how they are handling our building. Long story short – no to the cat…. We could get one… but it would be ill advised and we’d stand a chance of needing to re-home the cat… yes, that’s totally want I want… to bond and then have my baby ripped from my arms (although I’m confident that Mom would house the cat).

Not much more to say on the subject…. The fight isn’t over… but I feel less upset now. Maybe in a few months I will legally be allowed to adopt a sweet furry baby.

Fighting For My Rights!

I haven’t blogged much about the stress we went through with buying – finding the flat was reasonably easy – the admin and drama afterwards….not so much. I stressed a lot. I’m still stressing.

I feel less “grown-up” now that I actually own property – probably because I feel smothered by the Body Corporate rules and the say they have in my life, our lives.  Literally 3 days after we got the keys, they had their AGM, we couldn’t attend, it was short noticed and we already had commitments (in my case, I was MC’ing the end of year function). At this meeting they decided to increase the levies by 40%.... yeah…. FORTY… apparently they hadn’t increased the levies in years… lucky us. We could stomach that, but then they asked for R15-20k as a special levy – with no set due date. This is pretty insane when we are still working on the flat, lusting after wooden coffee tables and new light fittings. You get the idea…

Then to top it off, contrary to the rules, they turned down my request for a kitten – keep in mind that when we bought the flat, the previous owners had 3 cats! I was shattered. I NEED a small furry companion. I spend 4 years living in a building where all pets were outlawed, only to have my request turned down in an (apparently) pet friendly block. Seriously! I’d already picked out my gorgeous grey kitten…. I was a home visit and a few hundred buck away from my very own, just mine, little furry friend.

We’ve set up a meeting with the BC for tomorrow, so I’m hoping that I can control my desire to physically attack…. I want my kitten! If I don’t convince them tomorrow…. I might need your support in picketing….