Interesting Advice

I read an article on The Daily Mail website last month that I found both shocking and intriguing.

With a typically descriptive DM title: "The cruel reality of living in an open marriage: Olivia agreed her husband could have one affair a year and she could kiss 10 men... but then he fell in love with a mistress"

Although I am not familiar with the writing of Olivia Fane, she strikes me as having the kind of life story that can only result in sincere writing. I'm not going to give you the whole story, read the article if you are interested.

Two things stood out for me:
Firstly the unfairness of her "open marriage" arrangement with her husband, and how real freedom actually comes from being true to one person. It may seen obvious, but I think sometimes we need to be reminded.

Secondly, the advice from her mother, not the part where she tells her daughter to take a lover after marriage, but rather the following:

"Always tell a clever man he's handsome, and a handsome man he's clever."

How very interesting.... and it makes a lot of sense. For years I dated a very good looking man, he's actually a model. Surprisingly he places very little value in looks, but rather practicality and knowledge. Personally I'd like to be told that I'm beautiful and clever... I'm not really sure which I'd rather be know for... pah, being clever, obviously ;)

Warm Fuzzy Quote Of The Day

 

 

CART HORSE

This post has nothing to do with horses... other than the fact that I feel like my car is a very sick, lame cart horse... and it's high time that he went to "the farm".

I'm at my wits end - I should have let them write off my Uno when I crashed it. The excess was over 3 grand. And now my car is back in hospital with a host of issues that may or may not have something to do with hitting the engine end into another car. My mechanic seemed to think the engine may have shifted due to the accident, so I phoned my insurance, then he changed his mind. Cue me throwing my hands dramatically into the air. This is bound to be more thousands. I neeeeeed to sell this car. I need to bite the bullet and buy a very young car. The poor Uno is 19 years old, and has been mine for over 8 years.

He's been pretty abused while living with me. Not always by me. Twice he's been damaged by people trying to steal him. I've crashed him once into a car. Early on I spun him twice (no damage to him, just to my nerves). I managed to drive very hard into a raised yet grass-concealed drain and bashed a hole in the gear box (that was 8 years ago and I haven't lived it down). He's run out of petrol, he's dropped pieces of brake, his central locking has been temperamental, once his windows wouldn't open. Far too many people in my life have pushed him. Once he rolled into a garden (more serious than it sounds). He's carted the sick and the drunk. Once I fell asleep in the front seat, in my parking bay after a long night out. He's been filled with balloons, sprinkled with sea sand, I've laughed and sung along with the radio, I've balled my eyes out on to his steering wheel. I've changed his spark plugs myself and avoided changing his tires.

I need to end off now, I'm feeling pretty emotional. How do I let go?

Ignoring The Voices

I've mentioned this before, the guilt... the guilt of not writing regularly enough, the guilt of not having ticked off certain "boxes" by the age of 30, the guilt of not exercising everyday, the guilt....

I've found myself feeling unreasonably emotional over the last few weeks. I've put it down to anaesthetic; to missing work and now catching up; sometimes I just allow it, shrug and say "I'm out of sync, I will get over this". Do other people ever feel like this? Like a car in need of an oil change? Like you need to click every bone in your body? Like you need a reboot?

I've wanted to write about it, get it out, but I've unconsciously held back, hesitated, avoided any quiet moments where I might even have a chance to write. I really enjoy writing, it is cathartic, so why avoid it? Am I afraid of what you, Dear Reader, will think? Good gracious, I told you about the world thinking that I'm pregnant, but I can't sit down and vent? Can't sit down and let the words flow?

Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I've lost 8kg in 5 weeks, I didn't die in the operating theatre, I've exercised fairly regularly, my laundry is done, my washing up is done, my lunch for tomorrow is all Tupperwared-up and waiting, I haven't been very sad.... but I'm wading through mediocre feelings. Heavy and gross. Whispers of self-doubt. Maybe you don't understand? I'm not in a depressed hole, I just feel too strongly sometimes.... I feel very bad about minor mistakes, like vomit worthy. The Guilt.

Strangely enough, I have Imogen Heap playing while I write and the lyrics of "The Walk" have cut through my thoughts:

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."

The song itself deals with a girl trying to resist a bad boy, but I sometimes feel like my depression is a seductive something that I like to hide in sometimes. I know that sounds crazy, but it's easier to say "I'm antisocial tonight" than to say you're tired. It's easier not to address the source of bad feelings if you can blame them on your brain chemistry.

I don't have a solution or conclusion to this post. It's just how I feel right now. Blah and mediocre. I've printed out tiny "motivational posters" and stuck them on my monitor at work. I think they helped a bit today. I'm just so petrified of getting sad.

At the risk of this becoming a very long post, but because maybe someone out there might like one of my "little posters"... here are four:

Interesting.... What 2000 Calories Looks Like

 

Essentially 2000 Calories is the daily requirement for an adult, but clocking in at almost 8400 kjl... it's quite a lot! I know that my guideline is more along the lines of 4500 - 5000kjl.



Grumpy & Green

I googled grumpy and this picture came up.... it could very well be me.

Apparently my bruise gives my face a green tinge... and my jaw is sore so my mouth doesn't open the whole way. I'm barely on painkillers and I'm back at work.... you guess my mood.
The office is quiet and no one is bringing me jelly and custard :(

On the plus side, apparently I look super thin... I am, thanks for noticing ;)

A Touch of the Vapors

wooz·y (wz, wz)

adj. wooz·i·er, wooz·i·est

1. Dazed or confused.

2. Dizzy or queasy.

 

I've spent the last three days sleeping, eating and feeling woozy. Waves of head spins. I can only think that the antibiotics are doing a number on my stomach, and the pain combined with painkillers are making my head spin. I don't think I need to explain how annoying it is to feel like you might collapse on the way to the toilet? As much as I enjoy snapping my fingers and having things done for me.... I would prefer to look after myself.

 

Fortunately I get dizzy, I don't faint. I feel the cold prickles all over my skin, feel my stomach spin and then sit down. I don't drop to the ground in a dead swoon. I do go deathly pale though. I don't know if this is the weird way that my body deals with pain recently? I did my fair share of woozy while getting acupuncture earlier this year. I don't think I blogged about that? But I'd go into a queasy, white, dizzy spell when the needles released too much tension. It wasn't pretty.

 

Anyway, this is just an update on my recovery. I'm glad that I only have to go back to work on Thursday, I took a very wobbly walk to the shops that didn't bode well.... Brother says I weave alarmingly....

Tiding From Your Puffy Queen

Hey hey

My wisdom's surgery was actually a breeze. I am not extremely puffy and only have a tiny bruise on my cheek, although seeing as it only just appeared, I presume that there are more to come. Pain has been manageable, they don't leave you high and dry without drugs.

I've kept to my bed, I do feel pretty tired and found walking around too much made me a bit dizzy. I've been eating pumpkin soup (Dukan approved), Ultra Mel Zero (OMG delish), jelly, and yoghurt. I've also been drinking Coke Zero - they give me Coca Cola in the hospital, apparently it helps your mouth to heal? I'm not complaining, it's a break from water. I was so thirsty after my surgery, I demanded water and drank about 1.5 litres before leaving hospital. They  intubate you through your nose during surgery, so the throat take quite a hit. Honestly it was more "my throooooat" when I woke up than "my faaaaace"! I've regained all feeling back in my face which is good, there is a tiny risk of nerve damage with this procedure and no one wants a numb face for life! My jaw seems good too, so no damage there. You have to sign a waver before surgery basically accepting any complications relating to surgery and anaesthesia.

My anaesthetist was amazing, I explained the previous emotional factor and he made sure that he gave me the right balance of drugs so that it wore off faster. So no crying, I was just bossy and I was very up and about soon.

I actually couldn't be happier with how things turned out. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Just a plug for the hospital and Doctors:
I went to Christiaan Barnard, Dr Singh was my maxillofacial surgeon and Dr Kessow was my anaesthetist. Both the loveliest men!



Right after surgery

who says hospital food isn't yum?

I got my teeth back!

Looking pretty good today, hey?

Snaggle Tooth and the Loss of Wisdom

Tomorrow I'm have all four of my wisdom teeth cut out, in hospital. I will be knocked out. A few years ago I had to be "put under" for a minor procedure, the  anaesthetic made me cry hysterically and the first thing I said when I "came to" was "I'm not dead".  I am very afraid of dying in an operating theatre. Maybe I've watched too many episodes of Gray's Anatomy or I'm just afraid of dying? I'm trying so hard to shake the fear because I know it makes no sense. It makes other people upset when I say it. Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to get so dark, I would delete it, but I also want to just say how I'm feeling right now. I'm not afraid of the pain, just something terrible going wrong.

Here's an x-ray of my crazy teeth - see how the bottom wisdom teeth are sideways? That's not cool. Showing you the inside of my skull is very cool though!

I'm determined to follow my diet while I recover, so I've already found the skinny versions of jelly and custard! FOR THE WIN!



Yes.... Ultra Mel comes in skinny :) soooooo happy! Means I won't be on a purely yoghurt and cold soup diet!



Wish me luck and pray that I keep calm!

Chewing The Fat #3 - You are what you eat....