Pass It On

I'm feeling so good.
Meds are level, I have more focus, I'm 24 days sober, my relationship with Boyfriend couldn't be better...
... I have put on 2kg of chocolate... bad Sharon.

One day I will write a whole gushing, mushy post about Boyfriend. He's really a good egg and we're both learning from each other. He popped by earlier just to kiss me. He could well be a keeper ;)

Be nice to people, ok? Make them smile, they may need it more than you know...

30 going on 13....

Dear almost 13 years old Sharona

You are one gorgeous skinny bitch and you'll stay that way till you go to Varsity. Might I suggest that the minute you write your last matric exam, you go out and have a pizza and a cider. These should be your last ever. If you do not heed my warning, you will get fat and moody. Also, stop wearing baggy t-shirts, you're so thin!

Don't drive mom and dad on the night of 28 June 2002, just don't. ok? You will meet a boy soon after that date... don't date him. He is weird and creepy and probably the worst person you will ever meet in your life.

Don't get a job selling printer cartridges over the phone, those people are weird and it will not be worth it.

When you go to high school, don't do Xhosa in std 7, do Art instead. Do art till matric, you really don't need Physics, seriously, dude, do Art.

When you finish matric, don't go waitress with Claire. She will leave that place soon and you'll be stuck earning next to nothing for the next two and a half years.

Don't settle. You are beautiful and funny. Go study journalism.

Love
Your almost 31 year old self

PS: Maybe ignore my advice, I did all that stuff and turned into me
PPS: you'll never stop cutting your legs when you shave them, you're clumsy
PPPS: Ditto when it come to falling over

Control Yourself!

 

Don't eat that!

Don't drink that!

Don't just sit there!

Wear this!

Smile.

Don't say that!

Don't do that!

Are you drinking enough water?

Could you just....

Smile?

Where To Begin?

So? Where to begin?

 

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m on day 13 of 20mg of Citraz – it can take up to 6 weeks… 42 days… to level out after an increase in dosage. I had to admit defeat; I had to admit that I wasn’t coping on 15mg anymore. I think I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not a failure for needing more chemical help; I’m a winner to be managing my depression.

 

I have been sober for 18 days. And I’m serious this time around. I didn’t manage to have a whole sober September. I “cheated” for a fancy dinner on the 18^th of September and then just carried on cheating. I don’t remember if I drank every day, probably not. I definitely had too much to drink at the fancy dinner, and then on a few occasions after that. I pulled a real horrid move and passed out at Rocking The Daisies (a music festival)… I managed to vomit on my gorgeous new boyfriend. By some miracle, he is still my boyfriend. I promised him that I wouldn’t drink for the rest of 2013. I told my psychiatrist that I’d stop for 6 months and then reassess. Then I went to a support meeting and had to admit that I was out of control. It would be an insult to myself and the whole program to call this a temporary fix. I have to do this.

 

Nobody wants to tell me I have a problem to my face. But then again nobody wanted to call me fat 5 months ago either… I am not in control; I’ve been numbing my depression and all the insecurities that come with it, with alcohol. Self-medicating they call it.

 

So I’ve had enough of that life – I’ve been sober for 18 days. I have support and I’m making changes. It’s not a very comfortable place to be in emotionally, along with adapting to a new dosage and my famous PMS.

 

My weight has stabilised at 68kg – making it a solid 15kg lost. When my body feels stronger (I’ve felt rather run down and fluey lately) I will resume my exercise regime.  I’ve been eating carbs and little treats every so often, but primarily still following Dukan.

 

As will many of my posts, I may have been too honest, too open. I ask for your support and respect.

Spread some love...

 

Just sharing some love while my heart is glad.

I've been mood swinging all over the place. I haven't had the chance, or I suppose energy to commit anything to writing, I think I was afraid of emotionally vomitting over everyone. I feel strong today, so I will make some time this evening to update you, cross my heart.

Can I take it all?