Bizarre Friday

I’m sitting killing some time, post a work social, where I valiantly knocked back two Becks Blue’s (non-alcoholic beer). Listening to Gogol Bordello. Feeling a little weird because my mouth tastes like beer and I’m going to a 12 Step Meeting…

I already almost fainted when someone told me that Becks Blue, according to the internet, has an alcohol percentage per volume of 0.3%. I scrutinized the bottle and convinced by the “0.0%” claim on the label and “all that Moslem writing”, that it was actually ok. The sight of me swanning around with a bottle of beer did alarmed a few supportive colleagues. I’m 50 weeks sober today, so yeah, it’s weird to see me with a beer. 

Someone called me a pushover today. I’m really not. She based this on the fact that I’ve been pretty much stood up by the same guy twice. Am I a pushover? Or do I choose to have some faith in someone when they make plans with me?

Pah.

In the words of Gogol Bordello:

“Start wearing purple, wearing purple
Start wearing purple for me now
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish
I promise, it's just a matter of time”

A crushing feeling...

I have a feeling.
I’ve caught a feeling.
And the feeling is crushing.
A disaster.
I think have a crush on you.
And him.
And him.
And definite nostalgic longings for him.

Sometimes someone comes into my life and for an often inexplicable reason, I can’t get them out of my mind. Is it a crush? I read their texts first, I click “like” too often on their posts, I break into a big beaming smile when I see them, or a frown if I really like them and feel the need to compensate.

I saw a video of you. You did this little happy jump at the end. It made me want to hug you.
I saw a video of you, you were dancing to a Nick Cave song. You pulled a face at the camera and were caught forever as the clip ended. I wanted to hug you.
You sent me a picture of gnomes fighting a T-Rex. You said you were the gnome on the right and you were going to save the gnome in his jaws.
You called me sweety as you said good bye.
You call me Sharry and I hate it. But it makes me grin instead because you said it.
You are wise.
You are funny.
You know how to fix a bike.
You have the weirdest views on life.
You have tattoos.
You have a beard.

Now, if only those statements weren’t about four different men. *sigh*
All of whom are firmly in the friend-zone.
I want to laugh at how special you guys are to me right now. And you don't even know it.

Bury

People bury treasures. People bury hurts.

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned"
- Bastille

Its not easy to squash down emotions without alcohol. I've spent the last 10 and a half months feeling raw. Its hard to keep things buried and it seems like everything I've ever buried is forcing its way out of the ground.

I feel so vulnerable and like so many things and people have the power to hurt me. Especially those people who actually know what is going on with me. Does that seem fair? To be beaten up over and over by people who actually know.

I'm clinging to the people who love me, and to the love and grace that God promises. I know I can weather this storm longer.

If it's within you, pray for me please.

Missing

Mmmm... I'm a real brat when it comes to going to sleep. I have this huge sense that I will miss out on something... What I ask you? A tweet? #FOMO #lame #31yearoldsneedsleepcostimeisntsparingtheirlooks

Anyway. The title actually refers to how accustomed I've become to a nightly vent-slash-poem-slash-story.

All that is on my mind is how I desperately need to drop the sneaky 6 kilos that have casually positioned themselves upon me like a swimming tube and water wings. I don't known where I found the discipline before!!!!

Also on my mind are those people who rudely ignore messages and/or hide away when they've been naughty. (Yes I saw you with your ex at the shops) Or those brilliant passive aggressive people who think that ignoring you will make you go away (dude, I don't want to date you either but you're the one who said "next time" - I'm politely following up).

Maybe these transgressions are on my mind because I'm guilty too. I've literally been plotting for weeks about avoiding someone at a party.

Couldn't human interaction be easier? I've mentioned before how rude we are to each other. I need to tap into my love well again to find tolerance and compassion. Games exhaust me.

Sorry if I have neglected anyone, drop me a message to say you miss me - I will reply - life is so busy, I probably miss you too.

Xxx

"Don't dream it... Be it"

Went to Rocky Horror at The Fugard tonight - it was outstanding! 

I went last year in November with my family and boyfriend at the time. Maybe it was parental presence at a musical with adult content - my ex got rather prudish. I suppose I worried about my parents too - the live show with audience participation encourage is far racier than I remember the movie being! 

The opportunity came up to join a group of friends in seeing this sell out show again. This time I went all out. Our group basically filled a row and everyone of us had gone all out! Being in costume just elevated my enjoyment of the show. Was an amazing night!

I teased my hair, threw on an old black shirt (courtesy of The Squire), tights, boots, with a homemade apron and cap to finish off my Magenta outfit. I rocked the heck put of my costume - and it didn't cost me a cent to make.

In the words of Dr Frank-N-Furter : "Don't dream it, be it"

Next 100 Day Challenge!!

I'm collecting stories and sharing them over the next 100 days!!

Check it all out here: http://hundredconvos.blogspot.com

xxx

I'm just here for your entertainment #100creativedays Day 100

Last day of #100creativedays - so that also means its day 300 of sobriety and 100 days till my birthday!! And one sleep until I reveal my next project!

I am shirking my writing obligations to share www.theawkwardyeti.com with you. I just lost a chunk of my life to these genius comics! Full credit to the Yeti, but I have to share some "Brain & Heart" - so so so my internal battle when it comes to budgeting and punctuality... Ooo Brain      battles Stomach too...

I'm not a nudist... But. #100creativedays Day 99

That title got your attention? Good. I'm getting tired of having to wear winter PJs. I'm tired of winter clothes all together - in fact I'm not sure when winter clothes have ever been my first option. I get strangely over heated and claustrophobic when it comes to coats... Or long sleeves.

Let's look at my family. The Squire tolerates sleeves and coats, but shuns long trousers whenever he can. He cuts a dashing figure, mid winter, in a tailored Melton coat and cargo shorts. Father insists on shoes and socks on the beach. He is a wearer of vests. *shakes head*

Mother! Oh mummy dearest... The June bride with her sleeves pushed up in 90% of her wedding photos... I think we have our genetic link. Rumor has it, and I grab this claim with both paws, that some Nordic blood has trickled into our blood line from our mom's side. I swear that my incisors are longer than average and attribute this to my Viking ancestry. Yup, claiming it.

Summer turns me into a sweaty blob. I've started coming out in hives if I'm in the sun too long (still exploring whether is rather the sunscreen). I'm not sure that summer suits me either. Give me a temperate temperature with a breeze (or plain ventilation in the office) and I'm a content little girl.

xxx

So here's the plan #100creativedays Day 98

I'm still coughing and spluttering, so launching into a fitness frenzy is not on the cards for a few more days. I know that I could do crunches etc but I'm hideously unfit so wheezing is imminent.

I shloomped to work with crazy hair, sans make up, puffy face and feeling my over-justified "I'm sick so I should snack" sins. Not OK! Not part of the plan!! I know natural is best, but I need to make effort.

Eating was fairly disciplined... Except for that chocolate éclair... Light, fluffy, topped with chocolate and filled with caramel and cream... Oh damn.

So the plan is to seize the morning, get my professional glam on, juggle a day full of meetings, run errands and at least try to do some yoga. No food cheats.

As much as I like to rap myself over the knuckles, I did my own polyfiller vibes on my bedroom wall and have planned my Magenta costume for Rocky Horror this weekend. I even started some sorting of my art supplies. All after a days work.

Small victories, keep moving and remember that I can have the life I want - I just need to focus on living with love, creativity and healthy choices.

Xxx

With Both Hands #100creativedays Day 97

I've had another day in bed, thinking, snoozing and watching series.

Life on TV isn't real. My life isn't actually boring. I do need to enjoy it more though. Being sick makes me miserable and I'm upset that I didn't get things done like I wanted to.

This post seems kinda rubbish too.

What will make me happy? What will change my life into the life I want?

I miss living in town sometimes. I miss set walking dates on Sunday mornings. Crazy friends who could be dragged to gigs midweek.

I miss being able to escape from reality. Sobriety still makes everything so high definition.

I'm very bad at getting to sleep.

My writing feels stuck.

I have another 100 days coming up... I'm shying away from any big commitment of health and fitness. I'm considering "100 topics" to write on... My gut says I should be seeking out adventure... Are there 100 adventures to be had in CT? Alongside normal life? I need to think quickly. Please comment below if you have any ideas?

I want to feel more alive. I want to feel fit, happy and creative... I want to be able to do a handstand. Seriously. I need to.