I'm totes emosh... so I wrote a poem... of sorts

I’m no expert at emotional vulnerability
other than chronically wearing my heart on my sleeve,
or face,
or neck.
Big red blotches of emotion
betray me.
Sometimes even when I feel completely in control
they appear
and whisper my secrets.

I cried

twice
in front of the boy that I like,
that I like so much.
Like so much that I feel like I’m drifting
away
in the current.
Hot, sticky, emotional tears.
Horrible, betraying blotches of emotion.

I cried today

at work
over the most trivial thing.
Loud, desperate, desolate tears.
I hid my face.
I wiped away my mascara
But the red, blotchy evidence
remains.
I cried today at work over the most trivial thing.

... it's not over yet

 

I've been trying to write for days, I can only think that maybe I haven't tried at all... because clearly I haven't posted anything?

 

I've let myself get into a little funk... maybe PMS? Maybe Winter? Maybe I'm just full of crap? Brother has been on stage 3 of Dukan all of July, so he gets to munch veggies everyday, gets cheat meals, gets to eat fruit... and still lost MORE weight. I think I got jealous, I started to sneak glasses of wine here and there... shrugged and took a slice of cake. Nothing in the way of a full cheat meal, but I've become complacent. It is not good. It does no good for my body or my spirit. I feel guilty. Someone told me yesterday that the righteous do not lose their righteousness in God, but sin slows them down. Although cheating on my diet isn't a sin against God, it is me breaking promises with myself. I fortunately haven't gained any weight, but the loss seems slow. I promise, I'm not going to wallow about it... I've lost 12kg now, but I need the discipline. I need to feel in control. I need to see this journey to the end - if there is an end.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement, please don't stop, I'm only 60% to my goal....

 

Another thought I want to leave you with, or that I want to leave myself with... I'm not sure. But:

 

What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid of success? of happiness? of the life meant for you? what do you lose by trying?

Seriously Sharon?

Seriously?

 

*clearly there's more going on in my head than weight-loss... more about that when I'm ready

 

xxx

HAPPY TUMBLR STYLE POST

Friends, I'm learning to be happy... truely happy... and appreciated for who I am, not what I can give. It might sounds so simple... but I'm being transformed.

Skinny Bitch Rant #2

I already had a bit of a rant about this on Facebook, but I’ve started to realise that my readership extends further than my circle of friends and family.

Why are we marginalised for being healthy? Order a diet coke – they don’t stock Coke Zero because that doesn’t come in tiny tins, they have Coke Lite, because that comes in tiny tins, and healthy people obviously need tiny tins, at the price of a sugar-filled soda – obviously. 

Water costs R20 for 500ml at a bar. Add some vodka and lime – you should rather have ordered a meal at the cost. WHY???

I know that I barely drink now, so I should have oodles of money, but it all seems so wrong! Why is water more expensive than soda? HOW?

Is it impossible to stock Sprite Zero for some variation? Oh wait, doesn’t come in a tiny tin.

If I order a diet soda, would I be willing to switch to sugary, just because of the Happy Hour special? NO. I DO NOT WANT SUGAR. You suck.

Lusty Reunion With An Old Love Tonight

I've done it, I've lost 10kg.... and I am throwing myself at the nearest pizza tonight.

Yes, PIZZA, not pizza guy.... just the hot, oily, carby, cheesy goodness.... I have butterflies in my tummy.... I've missed pizza so much.
I'm not a cold, hard robot.... I neeeeeed it so bad.....I DESERVE pizza.

 

Ok, so maybe it will be more romantic than slutty.... I and six of my girl friends are going out for a lovely pizza and wine dinner in a lovely local pizzeria. I will savour every bite and decline leftovers.

 

Is it normal to be this excited???

Skinny Bitch Rant #1

I guess when I started Dukan, I didn't think it would work... Or this well... Or that I'd be disciplined. I thought I'd be fat at my wedding. That a man would never be able to sweep me up in this arms. That when I got pregnant one day that no one would even notice. I felt like Jabba the Hutt. I felt hopeless. I felt like a lump.

I'm not a lump anymore, in 7 weeks I became a skinny bitch. I've lost 10kg, I look normal. I look pretty. And people are noticing.
I went out this past weekend and felt noticed. But my mental image is still Jabba... So I feel vulnerable, I feel mocked.

When I started the diet and was very grumpy and antisocial, a friend said that I'd had my skin ripped off. I had none of my vices to fall back on, carbs were no longer a squishy place to hide. Wine was forbidden. I had to deal with everything, while kinda hungry, in the cold light of reality. Carbs as a crutch was more destructive than my love of wine, but they made a hell of a tag team.

So now I'm stripped of my fat suit and my vices. I'm exposed. People notice me, because I've got my mojo back, because I've changed... And it's so very weird. I feel naked. People gush, and then someone says something rude. Just this week I had a man I've know for a very long time make an unusually lewd comment - I'm all for innuendo and flirting, but this was raw and disgusting. Then someone else told me that I looked fat in the dress I was wearing. Which from this person was about the last barb that I could take (the previous one was shock over how small my boobs have got - they haven't, they just don't extend to under my armpits anymore).
I was so hurt, so this morning I pushed myself in my work out until I felt weak and faint. Stood infront of my mirror thinking horrid things, and then agonizing over my outfit for the day. LIFE IS TOO FEKKIN SHORT.
Got to work, was greeted by one of the most wonderful girls on earth who, without knowing my agony, gushed that I looked gorgeous and that she was amazed at my progress, and on and on... When I told her how I felt she called me a psycho... 'Nuff said...

Time I reset my mental image and discarded negative lies?

Yes, I can see what you Google....

One of the most interesting features on the back-end of this blog is that I can see which Google searches bring people randomly to my blog... this week's gem is:

"can u eat ultramel when pregnant?"

It makes me snorty laugh....

I do sometimes wonder about my readership... I'm sure I don't know ANYONE in Russia.... do I?

Where's The Baby?

Last Friday, as I was elegantly bending to open my garage door, my downstairs neighbour approached me. After a few pleasantries, she launched into her question:

"Where is the baby?"

With a mixture of horror and astonishment, I stared wide eyed at her, mouthing the word "baby".

"You've had the baby," gestures towards my stomach, "I said to my husband, she must have had the baby, but we don't hear it crying."

I reply that I did not, in fact, have a baby, nor had I been pregnant. That the fact of the matter is that I'd lost 9kg.

Without missing a beat, she replies "You were very big, I was waiting for my baby, we thought you'd given it away...."

my baby?
Given it away?

I guess this is just the flip side of the pregnancy accusations.... I look like I've birthed my fat....

If for some reason you haven't read about the pregnancy accusations - Pregnant?

I must say I was somewhat flattered that my hard work was so noticeable.... but GOLLY???