Kinda in love over here... #100creativedays Day 69

My life is pretty damn good.
Am I getting what I want or just being more grateful for what I have?

 

Earlier today the following appeared on my timeline.

 

Yes!! A friend met her and got me her autpgraph! How spoilt am I?

After a total fluff up last night, I still managed to get the opportunity to see Tori Amos live. She is seriously an incredible musician. My heart stopped for a second with the first bars of every song.
"Winter" actually reduced me to tears.... *sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes #100creativedays Day 68

Sometimes things don't go to plan.

We had a bizarre evening. Like in a horror movie, where you say the monster's name too many times and it happens... We said "imagine if we missed the concert" too many times and it actually happened.

Tori Amos of all artists. She blows my socks off live. I saw her live a few years ago and she was phenomenal. I decided that I couldn't afford to see her this time round, I'm on a strict budget and debit repayment plan. Then like a miracle I was given a ticket. GIVEN. Then this happens, because unlike a huge concert, we didn't see a crowd and went to get dinner... Very posh dinner.

So we had a delicious fancy meal, an altercation with a waiter and caught 35 out of 75 minutes of Tori...
It felt very weird. We'd had a good evening but it didn't go to plan...

3 of the 5 of us are going to try again tomorrow... Fingers crossed for tickets... I will just find the budget... Half a show was not enough!

Sunny Winter Day #100creativedays Day 67

"Tree
Sun
Dappled shade
Eyes shut tight
Against the light

Bird
Cat
Crackling shriek
Ears shut tight
Against the fight"

Sharon Paine 28.06.14

I think this could be worked on.

I pottered around in my balcony garden today with good results. I should have snapped a photo. I love how gardening makes me feel and should maintain my plants more lovingly. Arizona helped out and left perfect muddy foot prints across my white sheets... How can I be cross? She is so cute!

Xxx

Elle #100creativedays Day 66

"I wrote his name
On a leaf
And dropped it down the well

I wrote your name
On my heart
And down that hole I fell

You wrote your name
On my skin
And your pride began to swell

You wrote her name
On your heart
And I wailed like a bell."

Sharon Paine 27.06.2014

What Is Love? #100creativedays Day 65

Love is Arizona's soft fur and the secret scent of warm kitten between her shoulders.

Love is looking at an ultrasound photo from a friend and bursting into tears over the absolute perfect miracle of life.

Love is forgiveness, like a calm after the storm. Teary eyes and desperate hugs after an amends.

Love is not lonely. It's a quiet assurance that someone thinks that you matter, and better yet, knowing that someone matters to you.

Dark & Stormy #100creativedays Day 64

"I'm huddled
Hidden
In the dark.

Straining
My eyes
I just make out the outlines
Of my fingers
Silly little fingers
That used to weave
Between your fingers
That used to weave
Stories in the air
Dreams for us
Silly little fingers

Why did I shout?
And stamp
my silly little feet?
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Heart tearing to pieces
Watching you shrug
And leave

Cheeks smeared with tears
Cheeks that you used to stroke
A heart stopped
My heart used to hammer in my chest
All I feel now is a hollow ache
As I think of
My silly little fingers
Weaving stories in the air"

Sharon Paine 25.06.2014

Honestly? #100creativedays Day 63

Apparently I'm too hard on myself but on the other hand I'm told I can do anything that I put my mind to? Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough?

I didn't work out today. I did work on the couch though. And cooked lunches for the next couple of days. And made an amends to someone I love. And did some laundry. Besides working a normal day - where I cried and felt overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. Its so counter productive, like being glued to the floor just when you need to outrun the zombies... Running, that's not something that I'm sure I can even do anymore.

Sobriety is so blatantly raw, and I don't get to hide anymore or run away. Everything is so bloody present. I don't get to put the dimmer on, everything is so in my face. Then a voice in my head screams at me for being ungrateful. Isn't this stark reality better than the years of lies? Isn't it better to feel broke because you're actually paying off debt? Instead of just spending with little regard for the financial consequences? It's like hankering after an unhealthy ex boyfriend.

I feel hard by done over fitness and diet. But I'm the one making the rules.

One day at a time I guess? I got stuff done today. I didn't cheat on my diet. I will be OK... I do need a decent massage pronto though...

Gym Kitten #100creativedays Day 62

 

This comic basically sums up my late evening. My eating has been out of control, as you know from my carb induced rants. And I seriously needed to make a plan. You wouldn't believe the hotties and gym addicts that I hang out with, I need to match up! This year has flown and before I know it summer will be here!

 

SO! I decided that yoga and pedicure would help me towards getting ready for Summer. I have a few yoga videos, plenty of floor space and my own mat, so yoga at home is great. Except when Arizona decided to pounce at my head and punch me in the ears, just as I was transitioning from Downward Dog to Plank. I perservered, although being chewed on and rubbed against don't really aid relaxation.

 

I feel good as I hop into bed post shower and even managed to reach my toes well enough to paint them a dazzing "Heart to Heart" red. :)

 

Running tomorrow.... yes....

 

 

Because I'm Happy #100creativedays Day 61

"Too tired to write
A whole essay
Against sleep I fight
So it would be messy"

Wow that was awful.

I had a wonderful weekend of connecting with dear friends, making new friends, celebrating the return of a best friend, and really falling in love with my family. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved them, but I appreciate them more and more everyday. They are so dear and precious.

There is so much that I could say, but I feel the exhaustion of a happy kid, and Arizona is expecting bedtime cuddles.

Carb Coma #100creativedays Day 60

Goodness me... I need to stop my social binge eating... Another night of a bloated and overfull tummy! I start the days so well and by late afternoon, all hell breaks loose.

Mom's birthday tomorrow... Then I need to shun the carbs... But I made Monday pizza plans.... *groan*

Fond Regrets #100creativedays Day 59

Fond regrets... It sounds like the salutation at the end of a negative RSVP.

I don't like to say that I regret my own decisions, especially now that I'm sober. So I'm not saying that I regret some of my decisions today, just that they weren't all well thought out, specifically with regards to food.

Good decisions today include: my outfit, totally cute and comfy combo of a Nordic print mini with tights, ankle boots and topped with an oversized, drop shouldered jersey in marled grey rib that my mom got from Hypermarket in the 90's - my dad had an identical one! I got so many compliments! Maybe also because for the last few days I've actually bothered with make up? A light brush of concealer, eyeliner, mascara and sometimes a smear of neutral eye-shadow. I'm a hottie!

I was also very honest today and as a result had some very meaningful chats with a variety of people. Why not share my experience, strength and hope? I also reaped the rewards of tolerance and forgiveness.

In light of all this awesomeness, my gluttony and resulting sore swollen belly seem irrelevant? I will fondly decline to confess...

Winter Gosh #100creativedays Day 58

I will waffle tonight. Its bloody cold so I'm cocooned in blankets, typing with my thumb, Arizona is sitting heavily on my arm... Wait, she must be reading over my shoulder because she gave a reluctant "meuw" and climbed down to my feet.

OK, where are we? 37 weeks sober tomorrow. (OK I feel like I'm in a Disney movie, predictive text preempted the three words following 37)

Am I so cold because I'm dead already? No, the afterlife doesn't have upstairs neighbours with high heel wearing toddlers.

Wow, easily distracted.

So I'm crazy sober and cold. Game of Thrones Season 4 is done and another year stretches out before us... I was disappointed by the season finale. No one else thought so... Was I over tired or expecting too much? The end of episode 8 was so hectic that nothing compares.

Online dating seems pointless... I don't need insecure strangers pointing out that I don't have a gym addiction. No Darling, gym is not one of the many addictions I battle with daily. And I thank my lucky stars, at least my arms lie flush against my body... And are soft to lie on.

And the little boy who asked me over to his house... I doubt dinner was on offer. So I told him I'm not Mr Delivery... Nor am I stupid enough to risk my life... He had to agree that if he was a girl he wouldn't go to strange boys' houses... Then why pray tell expect me to?

What else to tell? I recognised my pattern of getting boyfriends in winter and discarding them in January... Not necessarily the proceeding January, but it seems significant. OK maybe its happened twice. The other pattern of two is my Nov till Feb pattern - it covers my birthday, Christmas, New Years and the ends before Valentine's Day.

Anyone care to psychoanalyse?

Enough drivel, I need to do the horrible winter bathroom dash...

Hipster Addict #100creativedays Day 57

Quick post after a long day.

I have developed a real need for milk over the last few months, specifically chocolate milk... If you ignore the sugar, they're a pretty low fat treat :)

This does suddenly bring to mind a conversation I had with a friend about my recurring nausea and cramps... He suggested cutting down on milk... Whoops!
First thought is "I can't give up milk!" - honey, you haven't had a drink in 8.5 months... I think you can test the milk theory for a week....

Funny hey?

Playing In The Sun #100creativedays Day 56

 

 

All photos by Sharon Paine, on location at Vergelegen

http://www.vergelegen.co.za/

Inhale #100creativedays Day 55

"Floating
Twisting
Silently
Asleep
A dark cloud
On the outskirts
Back arches
Colour explodes
Rainbows cut
Spiraling
Screaming
Clenching
Convulsing
Breathe out dark
Inhale the bright
Puffing
Gasping
Living
Breathing"

Sharon Paine 16.06.14

Nonsense #100creativedays Day 54

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living."
- Dr. Seuss

I think my mind is only full of nonsense lately, or perhaps singular words who have no intention of bonding to form beautiful and inspiring sentences.

I've been playing a lot of scrabble against my phone...it seems like an escape of sorts. Its also an interesting gauge of my level of intellect at various times of the day. Sometimes I cunningly place a well thought out word, other times I test the apps filter on "dirty" words like "slut" - yes I need to get out more.

I need to find some inspiration. I'm running dry.

Poem of sorts #100creativedays Day 53

"Writer's block
Could be a cheese
Or chocolate
But it isn't really a block
At all
Now is it?
Maybe I'm suppressing
Something
Everything
A need
To scream
To be heard
To hide
To avoid
I wish I could just
Tell you
I've had enough
I'm tired
I don't want this
Whatever this is
Anymore
No more
I want to be free
You wrap
Tangle
Tentacles
Around me
Strangle me
Squash
My very creativity
I do not want this
This poison
Wrapped in a gift
A lie
I do not want this
Obligation
This trick
This suffocation
This weight
These tangling tentacles.
No more"

Sharon Paine 14.06.14

Sick Theme #100creativedays Day 50 - 52

I've been so ill the last few days, so this is a catch up.

I really don't see myself churning out three great posts. My mind is full of cotton wool and tummy cramps.

I seem to get sick often these days. Am I more stressed without alcohol to numb everything? Is dealing with real life too much for me? Am I poisoned by a broken heart? Or are germs just rampant in the office?

I do feel overwhelmed with working the steps, church commitments, work and general home life. I'm budgeting like crazy but feel very broke for now. This car situation knocked me.

My heart is broken over a friend being totally manipulated by a new lover. She is so jealous and insecure that she is cutting him off from his friends. I guess there's nothing we can do other than respect his decision.

I need a plan, I need to enforce bedtimes and yoga time. I need boundaries I guess. I'm letting things fill my time and I'm suffering.

I will report back.

Sorry for missing posts! I will have to take some photos this weekend to plump up the blog.

Xxx

Faux Romance #100creativedays Day 49

Great title.
Now for content...

Internet dating, I know you like to read about that. OK, so, claiming that I need content for my writing and even more bizarre stories, I launched back into online dating and added a nifty match making app to the mix. I use the word nifty in jest, its plain bizarre. I'm not going to name sites as I neither wish to promote nor criticize.

Anyway, these guys! Seriously, has Hollywood not made it clear that serial killers lurk around every corner? Didn't I mention my obsession for crime shows? A marathon of "Criminal Minds" taught me more than enough about real life. That said - why would a man suggest that a girl come over to his house for the initial meet? Crime scenarios aside, I'm afraid I may be greeted by said man draped in a shorty kimono with Barry White crooning in the background. Or maybe he's only asked me round to babysit the twins while he goes on a real date....

Then we have the super lonely hearts... How many times can you mention your ex in one conversation? What? She left you at the alter? Please tell me all... Yes I'm a great listener.... Not.
I've just drifted off into a fantasy of popping a laxative into any offenders coffee... But the considerate lad might gas me with stench rather than skip out on a free therapy session.

I've also come across a new breed of "sorta single"... Do I look like I want your crazy girlfriend phoning me? I already have a stranger trying to dictate my access to a guy friend. I don't share well, nor do I deal well with other peoples issues of trust and integrity.

Hope you had a chuckle. ;) more venting another time

Xxx

"On the days that I talk to God" #100creativedays Day 48

"On the days that I talk to God"

I initially tried to dictate this post to my fancy new phone but perhaps my sleepy slurs or the white noise hum of the rain has effected the imp's hearing. (Reference to the cameras in Disc World)

Anyway, after dictating a few sentences, the phrase "On the days that I talk to God" jumped out at me. I hadn't said anything of the sort. Was this divine intervention asking me to pray more?
I do pray.
I'm supposed to do morning prayers as part of my recovery, I rarely do my set prayers. I treat prayer like rapid fire emails with little concern for etiquette.
Could I be receiving a message? I suppose where better to send me a message than on my phone? It is a bit weird.
I feel the urge to end this post here so I can go pray properly. I even bought a book months ago on a prayerful life. Watch this space, I'll send you a progress report.

Xxx

A Post About Kissing #100creativedays Day 47

True love’s kiss.
Interesting concept.

Disney is turning the concept on its head and shoving Prince Charming aside. Maybe I should actually listen?

If I actually met my Prince Charming, what would I do? Ask him for a shoulder rub and a huge hug? Because I think that’s what I miss now in my singleness. Snuggles on the couch, while the wind and rain pound against the windows. The warm familiarity of arms that know how to hold you. Hands clasped around a cup of tea make just the way you like it by someone who knows you. Someone who knows to take the extra cushion because you can’t stand too many throw cushions, and pulls the coffee table closer because of your short legs. Sweet kisses on your cheeks and forehead because everything is warm and happy. Someone who knows to offer you carbs when you get grumpy. Someone who can get away with calling you a “silly goose” because of how their eyes sparkle when they say it. Finger wagging in your face and a reminder that “you’re mine”.

Deep conversations ranging from serious to ridiculous. Someone who kisses you to shut you up when you get too silly. Or kisses you because you said something wonderful. And that blurred line where you talk and kiss for no reason. *sigh*

 Winter is getting the better of me! I better grab Arizona for a cuddle.

Sleeping Beauties #100creativedays Day 46

Arizona and I had a lie in today, an afternoon nap too... And the theme was set for the day.

Squire went to watch Maleficent last night and left cryptic clues on Facebook, like "Goodnight Beastie". I went to watch it tonight and now get the reference.

Over coffee with a dear friend-slash-fan, I found out that Mac stock lipstick in "Maleficent Red" - yes please! Every girl needs a stunning red lipstick.

Squire decided that Arizona's name should change to Maleficent - maybe because she likes to wear black and is strangely misunderstood?

And last obscure reference for the day? My "online dating pseudonym" has Aurora in it because I feel like I'm asleep and waiting for true love's kiss.

OK, now the beauties need more sleep

xxx

PS: photo is our fail of a sleeping beauty selfie, instagram of course.

Quiche #100creativedays Day 45

I made a quiche and Instagram'ed it... My creative hipster work is done

xxx

OK OK - recipe

I think I either got the milk wrong or used too much butternut. But here goes:

Bacon
Butternut
Onion
Rosemary

All precooked and spread in a baking dish

Then 8 eggs with half a cup of milk - pour over the mix.

Pop in the oven on about 180 celcius until browning - test the middle to check that its cooked through.

Ta daaaa and its Dukan PV day friendly

I've made it a few times. Butternut works well, bacon is a must, don't use chicken its weird in egg.... Green pepper and tomatoes are good too.

Sleepy catch up #100creativedays Day 44

I didn't write a post last night and feel so weird, almost guilty. The truth is, I have a fancy new phone with a touchscreen keypad and I can't type as quickly or easily on it! My creative process is slowed down while I teach my fat thumbs how to fly across this hyper sensitive keyboard.

How fun is it that I can write such drivel?

I also just needed sleep urgently. Winter in Cape Town pretty much pounces on us - it doesn't gradually get colder, the temperatures plummet and I for one never seem prepared. I spent yesterday freezing my butt off in training, the aircon spreads germs apparently, strange because the cold made my nose run and I feel meh this morning!

I really need to launch myself out of bed now... The day awaits.

xxx

Like #100creativedays Day 43

"Like yellow rubber ducks
Bobbing
On a sea of bubbles
You make me giggle
And feel young
Really young
Like sun in my hair
Like grass between my toes
Like camembert on Mediterranean Salticrax
Like a huge box of Astros
Like the salty residue of sea water on warm legs
Yes
Like all these things
You make me giggle
You make me happy
You make me forget"

Sharon Paine 04.06.2014

The Dark Ages #100creativedays Day 42

What to tell you today? I'm in a much better mood, I decided to let go of someone I've been holding onto for months and feel a freedom. This could be a theme for the week, letting things, hurts and people go.

It's strangely easy when you get into it. It's about disconnecting yourself from an unhealthy entity. My car no longer served its purpose and was depreciating - I had to cut my losses. When the man you can't forget belongs to someone else - pray through the spiritual binds and walk away. Cease fighting. Just let go. It's not defeatist, its a raw honesty. If it's not feeding you, it's killing you. Pray and pray until you feel truly free.

As humans we're likely to snatch back that which we have cast off. Seriously honey - put it in the charity box and leave it to the less fortunate... ;)

xoxo

The Point of Life #100creativedays Day 41

My toes are warm.
The air is scented with hot chocolate.
I'm feeling spiritually plugged in again.

This isn't going to turn into free verse - I have felt pretty crappy and down this weekend. Very on edge and vulnerable. I think it was two-fold: hormones and a spiritual disconnect.

Eckhart Tolle, in his book "A New Earth", describes sin as missing the mark, as an archer might miss a target, when we sin we miss the point of life. I excitedly told someone on Friday that I thought the point of life to be "love and creativity" - therefore, when I feel a desire to sin, that is be selfish, self-seeking, hedonistic... I miss the whole point. I do not share love, I do not create anything beautiful. Perfect love from our Creator needs to be shared, without agenda, for a perfect world. I got disconnected from the source and started to wither.

Maybe you think I've slugged back too much hot chocolate, or don't agree with my theory on life - these are my thoughts, my manifesto, you do not need to accept or reject what is mine.

It's hard to say goodbye #100creativedays Day 40

I can't blog tonight. I am so cross and sad. I wrote down how I feel and it's so horrible and twisted, I can't publish it.

I had to let my Uno go today. It was broken down and I couldn't afford to keep fixing it. This doesn't mean that I can afford a new car, and it's hard not to feel very very sad.

A friend also let me down tonight and it hurt more than it should.

I am sad and hurting, I need to sleep.

Xxx