Juxtaposed : Day 64 #100daysofwriting

I'm in an emotional jumble. In the space of a week I've felt so juxtaposed.

I've mourned the broken shards of a friendship lost because of rejection. But been told by at least three people that I am one of their favourites. I've felt afraid and cowardly, but had my courage praised. I've held a tiny life in my arms and felt heartbreak over life lost.

I could write more, but do you have any idea of the emotions contained in that single paragraph? How complex our lives are, how precious are the moments. And yet, here we stand, alive.

Grown-up Vibes : Day 63 #100daysofwriting

When I find myself in times of trouble.... poetry from my childhood comes to me.

"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:"

 

- Rudyard Kipling 

Life isn't all easy. I make bad decisions. I oversleep, overcommit, overeat but I hardly ever overreact. 

For most people, tantrums stop after childhood, they learn to act rationally. This didn't happen with me, or maybe I just pushed down the urge to freak out more effectively at 3 than at 23. 

Now I'm pushing 33 and I'm glad to report that the whole process of cleaning up my act, working a program and finding God in an authentic way - well I've emotionally matured. I did wonder today if I don't miss all the crying and screaming... I'd be the only one, I think everyone around me is glad that the emotional hurricane has shrunk to an occasional annoying breeze. 

Anyway, just some thoughts on how things have changed in the last two years and new hope for the future. 

Dancing Sober : Day 62 #100daysofwriting

I've never had much of an issue with dancing in public - be it at a wedding, in a club, in my kitchen (ok less public) or the cereal aisle.

I honestly don't care if no one else is dancing, I've never had to be drunk to dance - if I'm not dancing at a party then either I'm pretending to be a wimp like everyone else, or the music is horrible.

I have always rolled my eyes at people who say they need another drink before hitting the dance floor. Now that I'm sober I'm actually a better dancer - maybe it's the improved balance.

Anyway, as I was busting an electric slide in my kitchen this evening to "Uptown Funk", I felt truly happy. Happy to be sober, happy to be dancing, in my own kitchen. Life is very busy and I relish small joys like this.

May you always be able to dance, wherever, whenever, even sober and alone.

Exhale : Day 61 #100daysofwriting

I'm nestled in a warm coffee shop, between social engagements. I'm starting to make a habit of these stolen coffee dates with myself. I had one yesterday too.

I'm especially happy that I'm taking the time to write a post now, rather than leaving it till midnight, to shoehorn into my routine while half asleep or half distracted.

I'm like Ernest Hemingway, just sober, writing furiously at a table in the middle of the bustle of human life. I have no idea of that is at all historically accurate but it is how I imagine it.

The warmth is almost uncomfortable as my fingers defrost from their brush with the night air. I'm so sleepy and hazy, even while clasping a latte. Maybe it's the candlelight? Maybe because I'm slowly decompressing.

This week is going to be so busy and it is probably my own fault for falling into so many engagements. But why shouldn't I have late weeknights? I hardly ever go to bed at a decent time. I'm only cutting into my series watching time. I've already prepped food for the next few days of packed lunches and dinners. I have tomorrow morning's veggie juice lined up. All my laundry is done. Why shouldn't I stay in the bustle of humanity a little longer?

xxx

Biscuit Bandits : Day 60 #100daysofwriting

I have the privilege of a special connection with my friend's 3 year old daughter. We really are extremely silly together.

This morning we set off to hunt down the chocolate biscuits that are served with post-church coffee. We both have a penchant for these treats.

Alas we were too late, but I know they keep stock. Like a couple of seasoned con artists - Little One slipped into character with a pout, and I asked the team on duty if they didn't perhaps have an extra biscuit... Obviously I managed to wangle one for me too.

As we walked away from the counter, the following conversation goes down:

Little One: Why do they keep the biscuits in that drawer?

Me: You noticed that too?

Little One: (nods)

Me: So, here's the plan. You create a diversion and I grab the biscuits.

Little One: (giggles)

Me: So you grab your leg and say "Ow, ow, my leg" and then everyone will run to you. Then I can get to the biscuits.

For the record, we didn't go through with our caper. However, a little while later when someone spoke to her about biscuits...

Little One: I know where the biscuits are... In the drawer... I just hold me leg and say owowow

I should be ashamed that I'm a bad influence... But I'm really so proud.

Rabbit Hole : Day 59 #100daysofwriting

I've always been a little obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. The theme or idea rather than finding myself rereading the two books over and over.

I'd love to be Alice and disappear for a while. However, I have thought of the rabbit hole as a metaphor for addiction and poor judgement!

The more I think about what appeals most, the more I think I need to plan a tea party. I love tea and cake. I love crazy people, rabbits and cats. Did I mention the cake? I love Tweedledum and Tweedledee (still trying to convince my dad and his twin to dress up for me!). I'd like to use proper teacups and saucers. There should be lots of little cakes - not just typical chocolate cake, I want lemon drizzle cupcakes and almond tarts. Oooo and petit fours.

Can I just go and bake now? Gosh, the carb based feast we could have!

Tea from teapots - why don't I constantly have a teapot on my desk? Mugs of tea seem so mainstream.

I'm going off to dream about my tea party... Good night all. X

Youth : Day 58 #100daysofwriting

Freckled limbs
Poke from blue dress
Mouth like a bruise
Against pale skin
Blue eyes float
Above the constellation
Arching over cheeks

I should be writing : Day 57 #100daysofwriting

 

So I totally did not do my post yesterday. My nose was blocked and my head hurt, and no I’m not sick ALL the time – I just have allergies and my grind plate makes it worse because it forced me to be a total mouth breather. So much of the excuses hey?

I should be writing. I am a writer. Writer is the good label that I apply, instead of depressed-alcoholic-single. So why don’t I want to write sometimes? Maybe because I end up complaining to an audience, as above. I have the opportunity to submit some freelance blog posts and I STILL haven’t done them. I think I’m afraid of wasting my time, but I don’t get paid to write this blog, so what should it matter if I write articles that are rejected? Surely all creatives run that risk? They should create for the sake of creating first and money second? It really doesn’t feel like that though, which is irritating.

Affirmation and praise is another driving force. I get some sort of affirmation by the number of hits I get on my blog, but really don’t know if anyone actually enjoys the majority of my posts. I have readers all over the world and that confuses me too – who are you? Yes, you, Dear Reader. What brought you to my blog? No, really, write a comment and tell me. I moderate my comments so if you ask me not to publish it, I won’t, just tell me! It would really help my motivation and confidence as a creative.

So… write to me, ok?

xxx

 

 

His Guitar : Day 56 #100daysofwriting

He plays his guitar
Like a natural
Like breathing
With a lazy rhythm
Fingers in slow motion
Weaving colours
Bursting into imagination
He plays in a way
That makes me want to paint
Big swirls of colour
With both hands
Makes me want to dance
Naked under pine trees
Makes me want to sing
Secret songs of summertime
He bites his lip
In concentration
Maybe to hold back
The explosions of genius
Intense concentration
Across his brow
Belies the lazy rhythm
Paint, pine, song
Swirl before my eyes
The tempo picks up
Carrying me away
The lazy strumming
Beats like birds wings
Against my heart
Breath catches
Music swirls

Unmade Bed : Day 55 #100daysofwriting

I found this quote by Moriah Pearson a few days ago and it struck a chord. 

I spend too much time wishing I was "normal" - whatever that means. I've been through a few things and I'm a little  messy. I suppose the difference is that I don't pretend to be all neat and tidy, without creases and perfect hospital corners. I honestly prefer an untucked bed myself. If everything is tucked in I kick all the covers loose so I can cocoon in the layers. 

I think I'd rather come across as comfortable and approachable, rather than perfect and fragile. Someone to be wrapped up with, with a couple of creases, a lived in life... Yup, loving the metaphor.

Instafun

Shed : Day 54 #100daysofwriting

I gave up
On you
On us
Today
Shed my role
As fool
As lover
Hollow warnings
Ring cold
You said
" You love more"
But look
How easily I turn
Love into surgery
I snip away
Sever
Remove
Throw away
Look how easily
I throw my hands
Into the air
And shed you
Like a skin outgrown
I boil
I steam
I puff away

Quick Blast: Day 53 #100daysofwriting

Hey

Been battling a migraine all day and not feeling super creative. I really need to smash this coming week with regards to earlier starts, work and gym.

I've tried to dabble in dating again but frankly it bores me. I don't think I've properly liked anyone in a long time! Anyway, don't think I will be making time for any dates this week. Plus I'm broke till Friday so really will just take things easy.

Really do hope I feel OK in the morning! I need to continue my momentum with work outs!

xxx

Sunny Skin : Day 52 #100daysofwriting

Skin
Scented with sun
And honey
Radiating
A second hand warmth
Stolen
While watching cloud
On a winter afternoon
Laughing bellies
Pressed to the earth
As we lazily sipped tea
Flip flopping
On to our backs
To scan the sky
Dragons lurk in vaporous cloud
Alligators snapping
Morphing
As the storm rolls in
Night falls
With bone crunching cold
Sunlight scent still on our skin

Little Boat : Day 51 #100daysofwriting

Lying in bed
Pretending
That the rain
Isn't rain
But the ocean
Lazily lapping
Against my little boat
Like Owl and Pussy Cat
I'm floating to my future
I can feel
The sun
Smell the salt
Warmth radiates
The fantasy smashes
With urgent sirens
And I'm back in bed
And it's raining.

Miles Away - for Jo : Day 50 #100daysofwriting

I saw your name
Pop up on my phone
And I smiled.
I heard a song
From a band you love
And I smiled
I checked my calendar
To count the days
Till you come home
And I nearly cried
I shouldn't have looked
Soon seems sooner
Than the multitude of weeks
Miles separate us
Time zones splinter our reality.

Tiptoe : Day 49 #100daysofwriting

Feet arched
Heels up
Simmering across the floor
On balls of feet
Toes splayed
Why do you bother?
You know I'm not asleep
You know the sound
The rhythm of my breathing
The aggression
I snap an eyelid open
Peering into your soul
Say what you must boy
My slumber is imperative.

On a hill : Day 48 #100daysofwriting

Fingers trailing
Against the dark sky
Shadow playing in moonlight
I told you I'd only kiss
On sight of a shooting star
You tricked me with a passing plane
I didn't mind
Fingers trailing
Along insides of elbows
Goosebumps flare with chill
I told you I couldn't love you
You said you had enough
Enough love to compensate
So I pretended to see a shooting star
And kissed you back
Fingers linked in quiet prayer
That the night would never end
I think I did fall for you
Under the stars
On a hill.

Grateful : Day 47 #100daysofwriting

Mid moan session on the treadmill tonight I was told that I'm very ungrateful. I had to admit that my sage cardio partner was right.

I don't want to do the job that I'm blessed to even have, with a company who treat me like family. Why? Because I'm entitled, lazy and ungrateful. (Yikes)

I don't want to be there for certain people in the same way that others have been there for me. Why? Because I'm forgetful, selfish and ungrateful.

I don't want to exercise my amazing body that has everything except tonsils, wisdom teeth and two weird moles. Instead I say mean things about it and fill it with poison when I'm upset. I'm so immature and ungrateful.

I moan that I want more shoes/ more money/ another cat/ a new car/ a boyfriend/ to lose 12kg. Am I grateful and loving towards what I do have?

It wasn't that long ago where I found something to be grateful for every day for 100 days! Maybe I need a reminder. Maybe you will enjoy it too.

Anubis & Other Fancies : day 46 #100daysofwriting

Our family took a little excursion to the Tutankhamun exhibition that is currently at Grand West.

Mom was in her element with all her twelve year old fantasies coming true - love sharing experiences with passionate people!

I sat down at one point and contemplated multiple layers of protection covering the mummy. Three shrines, a stone sarcophagus and three gold ones. All seven levels back tightly like Russian stacking dolls and I'm not very sure how he got in there in the first place, nor how archaeologists got him out without smashing everything.

I can't imagine knowing that my body would be hidden away like that, even if I believed I'd be passing to another life. I certainly would be appalled to know that 3000 years after my death that some one would dig me up and examine my remains. They unwrapped the mummy for goodness sake! It's all really interesting but goodness me!

Admittedly when the model of the mummy only went down to "pre-unwrapped stage" I did start looking around for a photo or replica of his true mummy face!

I also really loved the statues of the gods found in the tomb... Could do some seriously trendy decorating with some of those pieces! I'm totally obsessed with a statue of Anubis.

Go see it if you get a chance xx

Quote time: Writing

la la love : Day 45 #100daysofwriting

I'm having such a lovely weekend!

Celebrated two dear friend's birthdays with dinner over the last two evenings. Both evenings were so special; seeing old friends and making new friends. Stunning conversations with like minded individuals, excellent food, and shelter from the old rainy outdoors. My heart is so full and warm.

I also hung out with one of my favourite creatives and her gorgeous son this morning. So good to catch up and plan a ring that she is going to make for me!

I had lunch fireside with a new friend too. Just as it's great to spend time with people who know all of your secrets and crazy... It's exciting to get to know new people and hear new views on life.

And to snuggle under the covers at the end of both nights with Arizona purring at my feet... What bliss!

Sending you all warm loving vibes.
Xxx

Half asleep poet : day 44 #100daysofwriting

I really don't mind
That you're hard to find
It's all quite true
I love to search for you
But would it be kind
Would it be blind
If I decided that today
It's my turn to run away
Would you even follow?
Track me like a swallow?

Kickass : Day 43 #100daysofwriting

So... Last night's mini post was a gorgeous frolic in self pity city.

As can be expected; a good sleep, busy day, gym and actually giving a damn about people other than myself, helped. Oh and I moved my furniture around. 

Today was probably "worse" that yesterday, but felt so much better!

I'm really tapping into the good sporty example of certain people in my life. I gymed just a little longer and harder today. I feel like my healthier eating is helping my body and mind.

I found this medicine called "One Day Flu Cure" - which is basically a cinnamon oil suspension - I took it twice on Saturday, and have just popped a dose every morning since. My cold symptoms are greatly suppressed and I have a certain vigor about me. *chuckle*

I've also tried to be there for the people around me. This feels like bragging but it's what our purpose is... Living in community. We should all be "giving a damn" about the person across the office, the street, the world. I think the key is that you help and care but don't carry their burden on your own back. I basically got that advice first thing this morning and it changed my attitude. Look! I just passed it on to you!

OK, sleep time! Hope my positive vibes help you!

Headspace : Day 42 #100daysofwriting

I'm in a weird headspace. Picture me weeping over a sitcom where a girl gives her baby up for adoption. Shaking with tears.

I packed too much into my evening last night and lay awake for hours. Feel like tonight could go the same way. Or not. I'm so sleepy and really don't want to write a post. I know I'm actually just afraid that I might start to unpack some of the things that are on my mind. Things that keep me up at night aren't easy to discuss. My head is a jumble of stuff - not all of it even my stuff.

I'm just going to try to sleep now.

peace x

Why I Write

Cactus : Day 41 #100daysofwriting

Elbows on the table
Jaw in my hands
The dull ache
Breaks my thoughts
Someone
Across the room
Shifts uncomfortably
Released from my gaze
My out-of-my-mind gaze
A dull ache thumps
From my belly
My heart
I crack my jaw
I click my neck
Slow circles to release
The pressure
The ache
The tension
I drum my fingers
Against my empty glass
The table
My temples
I shake my head
Imagining my thoughts
Falling out of my ears
And on to the table
Then you'd know
The source of the ache
The tension
The apprehension
The denied expectation
"Why did you come here?"

Hey Girl : Day 40 #100daysofwriting

Hey girl
With the sun in her eyes
Leaves in her hair
Laughter in her lungs
Twirling under the arches
Making waves that pulse
With music and song
Fingers trail over stone made warm
Moss clings to cracks
Water steals from hidden springs
Hey girl
With giggles in her cheeks
Wind in her ears
Stolen moments in her heart

My Vibe : Day 39 #100daysofwriting

It is pretty late on a Sunday night to be awake, but I often struggle to fall asleep on a Sunday. This evening I stayed up later on purpose to better prep for the week. I neglected to prepare for this past week and everything felt off kilter. Some are blaming the moon and the proximity of Jupiter - but I do need to admit to dropping the ball last week, and it was havoc.

 

I found this cool quote on Pinterest "your vibe attracts your tribe"

 

I'm mulling it over. Over the last 1 and 3/4 years (yes, 21 months today) I've lost some friends and gained many.

 

Losing friends has been a result of differing views, the changes in my life style and quite possibly my increased honesty. I could be pretty shallow at times, and maybe damage was done long ago - maybe my defects of character were more accepted when they could be dismissed as drunken behaviour. News flash - I'm still capable of bad decisions, now I just care more about the results.

 

Anyway - I've been trying to find a sense of self acceptance by appreciating and noticing the people/places/things that make me glad. I enjoy deep conversations with friends and family. I like feeling useful. I helped at a soup kitchen today and it was fun. I like a quiet Friday night. I have amazing friends. I love being sober. I enjoy being organised. I like cooking healthy food for my family.

 

I think we all often focus on who or what we aren't. I just want to be happy with who I am. I like me. I like that being me seems to attract some pretty amazing people and opportunities.

xxx

My Day : Day 38 #100daysofwriting

Hey

Writing everyday is quite a challenge. I think it the past I just specified "creative" so photos or baking counted as tasks.

I'm happily tired. I've had a good social day and got to have quality conversation with four different friends, separately today. I've had posh hot chocolate at two places, eaten barone cheese cake, extolled the wonders of baby marrow noodles, lusted over leather bags, bought jewellery, shared recipes, received advice, given advise, walked a Chihuahua , hugged many people, cuddled a cat, worn three Amanda Laird Cherry items... Busy day...

Xxx

Innocence Revisited : Day 37 #100daysofwriting

I had such a lovely day today with family who are visiting CT. I think the highlight was hanging with my 3 year old cousin. (In the broad sense of cousin, think cousin's kid scenario)

I love that age and really wonder if my inner child didn't stop growing at 3. So much to learn and say and see.

We explored the garden. I tried to teach her the names of certain plants - like "black-eyed Susan" - and showed her how to identify ripe gooseberries, although she was very into picking green ones just to show me that they weren't ripe. We checked out bunnies and fish. We stood quietly to hear the birds in the trees. We laughed a lot.

We even went for a beach walk which was very exciting and a total work out of me! I think we could have both been inducted into The Ministry of Funny Walks! We twirled. We ate ice cream. We held hands.

And at the end of the day? She'd learnt to say "Are you crazy?"  and not a single plant name. I'm still proud.

As a side note there were many adults around too, deep conversations were had, but I got to have a toddler play date and it made my day. xxx

Finalization - a poem for S : Day 36 #100daysofwriting

Finalization
The word bores into me
Like hungry beetles
A realization
Of our finality
The end
Pens scrape
And I'm free of you
Memories are pebbles
In my shoes
The ache of roads walked
In vain
The petals of love
Understanding
Friendship
Crushed by the rocks
You flung
No more of you
Of us
To be endured
Final
Closed
Done

Sober & Single : Day 35 #100daysofwriting

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm three months away from two years of sobriety and I'm still afraid. Yes, this has everything to do with alcohol. Alcohol made me feel brave and numbed my nerves. I don't think I was a real person when I was drinking and I'm not all that sure of who I am now.

 

I have friends who love me, for whom my sobriety isn't a big deal. But when I think about telling a guy who is chatting me up I feel afraid. I either feel ashamed or like a gangsta. I'd rather shout it and then run away. It's like I look down and see all my cracks. I don't know how to keep my support meetings a secret... How many vague after work activities can someone have? How many "friends going through something"?

 

I also eat when I'm uncomfortable. It is my only vice. This makes me stress over my weight and then I feel like I'd rather eat what I please than conform.

 

I try so hard not to care about being single. Sometimes I go online and make an effort but I get so bored. How does anyone have the patience?

 

I'm so busy and tired, but lonely in a way too. I wish I just didn't care.