99 Problems... but : Day 93 #100daysofwriting

It's been just over three weeks since I declared myself celibate for three months. It's a state of mind more that physical restraint because I've certainly gone longer than three months without a smooch in the past. I've sworn off online dating  (the idea is forever), flirting, crushing and chasing.

How this looks is : I deleted all phone numbers of random boys, deleted all dating apps, don't allow myself to check out guys (just look away) and am guarding against any pursuit of male company (other than already friend zoned boys). I'm pursuing female friendships and trying to be supportive of others. If someone asked me on a date I'd say no, arrange a group hang out or take them to church. It's actually very freeing to just check out of the scene for a while.

As I look around and see friends still engaged in the pursuit, or friends dealing with broken hearts... It's great to feel so detached from the merry-go-round.

Honestly? Day 92 #100daysofwriting

Honestly today was hard. The pain in my neck, shoulders and jaw are extreme. It actually runs right down my back and into my bum. I hate complaining because I know people live with worse pain. How I don't know.

I went to physio yesterday and still feel bruised. I know I just need to let my body heal but I feel like my muscles are in fire. My head hurts so much that noises smash against my temples.

I'm lying in bed now wondering if I should move my clock into the lounge. Thank goodness the kid upstairs has stopped running laps.

I'm sore and tired, plus on a mission to develop healthy sleep patterns... so good night x

Sleeping Beauty : Day 91 #100daysofwriting

Sleep.
I have a very weird relationship with sleep. I struggle to get to sleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning. I can sleep all day and afternoon naps are parr for the course on weekend afternoons.

Getting to sleep at night is pretty much a fight with my inner toddler. I seem afraid of missing out on life. Sometimes I get stuck into a book or series. Sometimes I'm really anxious. Sometimes it's too bright in my room. Or I'm cold. Or Arizona is restless. When I drank I usually had wine before bed so sleep came easily.

Waking up seems to be hindered by the same stubbornness. A reluctance to face the world and my responsibilities. It wasn't always like this. Obviously earlier to bed would help!

Sometimes I totally crash and have a bed day - I can sleep the whole day when I'm run down. I'm not sure how healthy it is because I usually wake up dehydrated and starving. Arizona loves these days! I'm really hankering for a bed day soon! The irony is it is never too bright for day sleeping, it only matters at night! Naps I suppose are mini versions and are usually a few hours long.

I really do enjoy sleeping and usually dream, so I don't know why I am so stubborn about going to sleep! I'm very determined to improve in this area! Wish me luck!

DEFY : Day 90 #100daysofwriting

I'm writing my own mantra here... Do Everything For You. Yes... DEFY.

 

This isn't about being selfish, it's about making changes for you, not for anyone else. I stopped drinking to save my own life. I need to eat well and exercise for my own well being - not to conform to someone elses ideal for me.

 

I've got into a stage of neglecting myself. I got stressed and didn't exercise - now I'm in horrible pain with my neck, shoulders and jaw... again. My teeth actually ache. I've booked a session with my physio in the morning to help unclench the knots I've tied.

 

I was directed to an article in the Dailymail about the link between stress, tension and breathing. It made so much sense - I breathe short and shallow, sometimes even holding my breath and sighing. It's all terribly unhealthy!

 

I really need to get serious about yoga classes again. It will take some sacrifice and better time management but I'm falling apart without it! It doesn't matter if I look fat or clumsy - I need to breathe, I need to stretch.

 

Hope I can give a positive report back soon!

 

Midnight Snack : Day 89 #100daysofwriting

Ironically I'm not writing at midnight,  for a change, but I am feeling seriously snackish.

I realised today that I'm 6 weeks away from a weight loss deadline and I'm really not making an effort. Eating cake today and not making time for gym - well it's looking like the norm rather than the exception.

I'm not going to beat myself up, tomorrow is a new day. I will however just lie in bed obessing about food. *sigh*

I actually just really crave a Peanut Butter Bliss smoothie from Kauai. (And no this isn't a sponsored post, but I will accept free smoothies) It is packed with peanut butter, chocolate, banana, low fat milk and frozen yoghurt. Yes please.

I really crave peanuts when I'm hungry. It's probably the protein. The more natural the better. I love red skin peanuts and avoid the small oily ones.

Chocolate is a given. As is the dairy.

Bananas - I've had a strange relationship with them. Hating them as a toddler. Picking my own from my grandpa's tree as a kid. Now only grabbing fruit in general when I really need a sugar burst. Bananas do remain my favourite source of quick energy between meetings.

Ok I better go to sleep now... maybe I can feast in my dreams.

Penguin Love Triangle : Day 88 #100daysofwriting

I went to a penguin rehab/sanctuary with a few friends today. (It's called Sancob). Besides being amazed at the facilities and learning that penguins swallow fish whole... I was struck by their love-lives.

So, they have one permanent resistant penguin who isn't an African Penguin like the others. I'm not going to Google her breed, but she has those long yellow eyebrows.

Anyway, the sanctuary tried to bring in a husband for her - cos penguins are all about life commitments - and they didn't click at all! Instead she fell in love with a married penguin and now stands outside his nest  declaring her love and pissing off his wife... yeah dude... it is way to close to home!

I hardly ever fall for the guy I'm supposed to love... It's always the unavailable and unsuitable. I don't think an arranged marriage would work for me either. I can't believe I'm just like that lonely penguin!

On a side note... we learned that a local wild penguin colony has a problem with infidelity... throw in rumours of homosexuality... oh and the only way to gender identify a penguin is with a blood test... I think we have the makings of a very indentifiable reality show on our hands.

I am starting to wonder if my spirit animal is a penguin...

Cloudy Moon, Cloudy Sun : Day 87 #100daysofwriting

Last night I looked at the sky, as lightening flashed and saw the moon mostly hidden by clouds. I felt like I was in a werewolf movie. It's amazing how a cloud covered moon creates an air of supernatural danger.

That might sound like a tired cliche but wait.

When ever a see the sun covered by clouds, and I mean the sunbeaming backlit kind, not the cold grey hidden  Sun. I think of Jesus ascending to heaven. My granny had a Bible story book with the exact scene depicted.

Anyway, I was just struck by the similarity but opposite connotations.

Someone There : Day 86 #100daysofwriting

Read my palm
Look at the leaves
Give me something
In which to believe
Beat the drum
Clang the chimes
Tell me I'm not
Completely out of time
Write out your prediction
Swear it in blood
Channel the spirit
Of absolute love

Reflecting on my past : Day 85 #100daysofwriting

Once upon a time, ten years ago, I worked shifts in a retail store. One week early, one week late. It was a fun time of life. 

At that time I was dating a professional skateboarder-slash-model with a flexible schedule. He used to say that he loved how I always had my beach umbrella in the boot. I remember working a late shift with sea sand in my ears because I'd rolled into work straight from the beach.

How is it that I earned so little and worked so much, yet I was so happy. Have I forgotten something? Was it all that sunshine? The boy? Or the utter lack of serious responsibility?

I sometimes hanker for those store days. Where I'd hang out with my friends while we folded shirts with military precision. Chatting up customers (that's actually how I met the skater) and competing for sales. Merchandising clothes.

Strange how I now choose and develop stock for those stores now. I've been with the company for 11.5 years already. Can you even believe that?

Back to care free and happy. I think it's the sunshine... I need more beach this summer...

More Of The Same : Day 84 #100daysofwriting

The road stretches
To a blur
The horizon
Shows no hope
Hurtling towards
More of the same
Stones rattle
And spray noisy dust
Sonny and Cher
Croon on the radio
I stare at my feet
Pressed against the dash
Chipped dark paint
A ragged healing scar
Missed blonde hairs
Glint at sunset
I examine your profile
Crinkled eyes
And dry lips
The mole on your neck
I close my eyes
Sigh
And smile
As we hurtle
Towards
More of the same

All Caught Up: Day 79 #100daysofwriting

I'm playing with words with this title - seeing as it is the last of the posts that I needed to catch up on.

The theme of my life lately seems to be stress. I'm not unhappy or screaming. I'm just tired and my tummy hurts. We have a lot going on at work. My dreams are very vivid. I'm working on my myself in relation to my approach to people. Writing everyday is not always a welcomed escape and feels like a chore sometimes. I can't really just vent the same stuff everyday online, I should be a little upbeat, right?

My friends seem to be in the same state, family too. So we all play schedule Tetris to try and shoe horn some social time. Often, even on weekends, I leave the flat in the morning laden with supplies to last me till 10pm - trailing lunchboxes, jackets, sneakers, books, beauty products... the works. I find myself sitting in traffic munching a chicken breast between engagements, or applying mascara and catching up on emails. All very amazing multitasking woman, but I'm drained.

This morning I woke up stressed, so I got into Shavasana (the corpse pose in yoga) and did some deep breathing. I felt it was necessary to pull my duvet over my head. Arizona got very concerned and sat on my chest trying to save me from hyperventilation under the covers. I suppose I tried.

But really, I'm ok. Told a colleague today that I'm too busy to worry about any mistakes I'm making or things I've forgotten - tell me and I will sort it out. I can't stop moving long enough to slip into self pity. I just need a holiday!!!

Come on Summer... the sun always helps!

Decompress : Day 83 #100daysofwriting

Stretch up
Lie down
Twist left
Bend right
Nothing shakes the feeling
Sit up
Lean down
Turn left
Bow right
Nothing releases the tension
Up
Down
Left
Right
Toss
Turn
Twist gently
Bend
Break
Breathe deeply
Nothing shakes the tension

Day 80 #100daysofwriting

This is a catch up post.

Day 80 fell on Saturday the 15th. My challenge days fall beautifully in line with my days of sobriety, so Saturday was my 680th sober day and marked 50 days till my 2 years. Hush, hush... we can't be sure of the future, so we quickly mumble "God willing" and rap our knuckles on a table.

Rap... a knocking sound... or a type of music. Does R.A.P. stand for something? Repetitive Angry Poetry? Strangely enough, those are Brother's initials too.

Back to contemplating my sobriety. Someone said to me "It's a pity that you can't drink anymore" - I turned that over and over in my mind. I physically can drink alcohol. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol.

Same story for the common question of, "Do you think you will ever be able to drink again?" - I never lost the ability. I just don't want or need to drink alcohol. I don't regret my past but that's what it is, the past.

I also really like racking up my clean days. I don't need praise, I just like to count them. I don't ever want to have to start at 1 again. If that keeps me plodding along then I'm happy to count.

That makes me think about how when I went for the tattoo on my ribs, the pain was unbearable until Brother got me to count out loud. Maybe it calms me somehow, even if counting sheep isn't my thing...

Adios x

Ritual Cleaning : Day 82 #100daysofwriting

Cold
Crisp
Clean
Wrinkled
Washed
White
Sheets without dreams
Beaten out
Churned
Rinsed away
Awaiting
Warmth
Tussled dream kicks
Reluctant sleepy heads
Late night conversation
And kitten feet

Will You Go Out With Me? : Day 81 #100daysofwriting

Brother and I watched a movie called "Beautiful Creatures" last night. It's based on a series of young adult books, but the supernatural is the girl rather than the boy. Unfortunately the movie was not a hit at the box office so I'm not anticipating any sequels. Strangely enough we tend to love movies that get bad reviews.

I really identified with the girl - feeling like the freak with secrets. Call it cheesy but I really do struggle with the fear that I won't be accepted for who I really am.

The mortal boy did a great job of making the poor isolated supernatural girl feel wanted. With his small town Southern manners he woo'ed the heck out of her. Gosh I even swooned a little.

I'm taking a break from romance/dating/crushes/looking so I guess swooning over movies is a bit borderline but I really do like the idea of being pursued. Call this research into what is worthy of my  patience.

Loosely based on a conversation in the movie, this is how I reckon it should be.

Boy: Will you go out with me?

Girl: yes

Boy: Can we go to a movie on Friday?

Girl: No, I have a family thing

Boy: Then Saturday? Say yes!

Girl: Yes

Boy: Can I see you tomorrow?

Girl: Yes

At the risk of generalizing, I don't feel like I've really allowed anyone to woo me. I tend to just try and control everything... horrid right?

It also made me think of when I was about 10 and I'd older girl told me a boy had asked her to "go out" with him. I kept asking "When?" - I couldn't understand why a proper plan hadn't been made... I suppose I'm still like that... don't give me vague concepts, what's the plan?

Crushing Consternation : Day 78 #100daysofwriting

Galaxies
Written on dusty palms
Constellations
Crushed under tired heels
Words half heard
Forgotten
Thrown back
Angry lashings
Sea on stone
Worn down by words
Expectations
Snapped and dangerous
Wielded like swords
To fight a horrible fight
Wave after wave
Crashing
Crushing
Hands slap
Mock applause
Galaxies smear
Heels click
Exhausted

More Labels? : Day 77 #100daysofwriting



This little gem from Pinterest sums me up pretty well. I've always struggled with the introvert vs extrovert label. I've identified as shy and introverted, while most people experience me as open and extroverted. 

There is a big difference between having the confidence to share a view in a meeting or with close friends. Either I'm on stage or I'm in a place of no judgement. 

Drinking helped with the facade of loud mouth party girl but inside I was dying for attention and affirmation, or chasing oblivion from my emotions. Obviously it didn't work.

Like a little girl showing off I crave attention and affirmation - so maybe that's where the false bravo came in, even when I was little and sober.

I've battled with social anxiety for years, a diagnosis of depression and my recent sobriety do nothing to ease the panic when I'm in a room full of strangers. I don't even know if people realise. I hate small talk and that's probably why I come across as either aloof or way too open.

As I learn to be happy in my open company, I'm a bit afraid that I'm becoming withdrawn. Truth is I'm focussing my attention on things that matter to me. To build deep friendships where very personal conversations are appropriate. Where I don't have to pretend to be anyone else.

So maybe I'm an introvert... leave me alone now.

Why does my cat hate me? : Day 76 #100daysofwriting

This isn't a profound veterinary article, this is me lamenting Arizona's recent neglect of me.

It is cold. I am needy. She sleeps on a cushion next to my bed now instead of with me. Right this minute I can hear her calling for Brother. What did I do?

I was between smart phones for a week and didn't post any photos of her... could it be that?

I've fed, watered, scooped and stroked. I spent many hours in bed being snuggly. Yet I'm neglected.

I came home tonight needing love and she refused to greet me. She'd rather lurk out in the cold than in my warm embrace.

She is almost two years old, could this be teenage rebellion? She would rather hang with her cool uncle than with her old clingy mom? *weeping*

Maybe I should have listened when she said she didn't want to watch reruns of Cougar Town. I tried to explain that second season of Stalker wasn't out yet. Is there even a second season?

Short of rubbing catnip behind my ears... I'm at my wits end... and perhaps exaggerating greatly...

Arizona! Love me again!

Blank : Day 75 #100daysofwriting

I'm uninspired and worn out. Even after a long weekend. I suppose I feel broke too so I'm filled with a type of envy towards people who feel like running around and can spend money. It is a bratty entitlement on my part.

I know I'm just in a slump because my cold has dragged on and I've run out of medical aid. Why no more medical aid? Because I got a grind plate made. I can't wear it though because it forces me to be a mouth breather and my runny nose turns into a sore throat. Can I catch a break already?

Suppose I can be grateful that I'm not without food, shelter, clothes and transport. I have a job. Summer will banish the cold... I just need some gratitude and a reality check.

Long Weekend, Toddler Style : Day 74 #100daysofwriting

 

I hope you can see the infographic clearly enough.

I've often said that part of me hasn't matured past toddler stage and I think I'm ok with that. Obviously I've worked hard to curb the tantrums, irresponsibility and immature thinking, but the fun bits remain.

 

I could totally hide in a blanket fort, snooze and eat pizza for a whole day. Arizona (my cat) loves to give me attention on the toilet. I'm a total cookie bandit and usually manage to weasel extra cookies. I derive joy out of a good grocery shop - especially a trolley full of fruit. Brother and Arizona are my captive audience when it comes to made up songs and impromptu dance performances in the kitchen. My mom applauds most of my creative endeavours (unless the poetry gets too dark and scary).

 

I tend to say NICE things to strangers about their appearances.   

 

On that note... I'm off for a nap, I hope I dream about pizza.

Golden : Day 73 #100daysofwriting

Gold is the summer
Slowly oozing back.
Gold
Fine hairs on my arms
Standing to attention
When gold is hidden by cloud.
Gold rings glint
On searching fingers
Neither promising
Nor committing
Symbol of stolen hedonism.
Gold
The glaze of bread
The drink that froths
Forbidden fruits
On golden afternoons.
And you
My elusive golden boy.

In Vain : Day 72 #100daysofwriting

You type
My name
Out in full
Like I will be
Impressed
Flattered
Compelled
But instead
I hear
Your reedy
Whining voice
In my head
Like a trumpet
Of bad memory
Like a gong
Clattering
In a gale
My name
Is too powerful
For you to even
Utter
In your insipid
Siren
Of a voice
I recoil
To think
Of your fat fingers
Smashing
Across a keyboard
To pound
Out four innocent consonants
And two unsuspecting vowel
Leave my name
To shimmer
In the light
That your very presence
Hides
Destroys
Mocks

Just me? : Day 71 #100daysofwriting

Me: Am I just surround by arseholey people this week or is it me?

Bro: No, you're surrounded by arseholes, that's why I'm being nice to you this week

Me: Oh, so you know I have PMS

Bro: No... you had PMS last week

Me: Nope

Bro: So what was wrong with you last week?

Me: *shrug*

My poor brother... I sometime forget that he doesn't see then nicest side of me and the last few weeks have been a strain. I don't remember being horrid last week, I wasn't even at home more or less than this week. But come to think of it, I've been happier in my soul since Monday evening - maybe back to gym was a good idea. Daily readings, more prayer, more writing, work coming together, less distractions... maybe things are very different? I think I might have been depressed last week? Was I?
I wish I had a handy place that reflected my daily state of mind... oh look, I have a blog! Yup, looks like I had some serious midweek blues last week! ;)

Anyway, glad to be feeling better, love my brother's sense of humour (because the above exchange was actually very funny), and so happy to have a long weekend coming up!!

Peace & love xx

Adequate ; Day 70 #100daysofwriting

I started off my day well, with some recovery and spiritual readings. A line from today's reading in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young really stuck with me.

"Don't waste energy wondering whether you are adequate for today's journey."

Admittedly I didn't repeat it over and over in my head right through the day, but it did come to mind a few times. I don't think that I am the only person who felt a little bit inadequate today. We are under such pressure, in a world that really likes to bash what it hates without even noticing what is good. Heck, the industry that I'm in can get really hard-core judgy at times. Fortunately, I do seem to roll with the punches better these days. Or are people less critical? Or have a given then less of a gap to try to unravel me? Maybe all of the above. That said, I do doubt myself and criticise myself in some way every single day. I feel I should write it as EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Obviously my levels of confidence ebb and flow.

Can I break off on a tangent to wonder if ebbing is better than flowing? (let's ask Google) Ok, so do I want to be the tide going out or in? Never mind, they move, my moods and confidence levels move.

So, back to the reading. The bigger theme of the reading was trusting God to have your back right through the day. I know that I don't hand over stuff enough to God during the day, so I need to work on my trust. And what is adequate? Surely I've managed to get through my day if I've managed to eat, drink, walk and not destroy anything? Do I even want to be described as adequate? Do I want to rather "rock my day"? Maybe it feeds into the concept of "not good enough", being adequate means that you are good enough, maybe not excellent, but enough to be of value, or worth?

I'm really tired now. Off to sleep, I plan I be more than adequate tomorrow!

Winning Streak : Day 69 #100daysofwriting

So, I've just caught up my two missing posts, I feel a very good creative flow happening tonight. I better keep this short and informal, not because I'm tired, but rather hungry.

In the hope of getting my life back in line, I've been very strict about my eating over the last two days, managed a good cardio session and got up at a decent time this morning. Progress!

My phone conked out last night so my social contact is decreased, I can still Whatsapp, but I don't have many numbers on my spare phone. I also suspect that most people (read random online men who I am now avoiding, see Day 67) think that I have blocked them because they should only be able to see my profile picture if I actually have them saved as a contact. I'm seeing this whole scenario as divine intervention because talk to strange men is really not benefitting my spiritual well being - I feel a little bit like I've put myself in a position to be rejected, judged and mistreated. Of course there have been some sweet conversations, but after all these years of pen friends and chat groups, a real connection is actually rare until you meet face to face. Perhaps I digress. The point is that I was putting myself under undue pressure by trying to find a boyfriend online. I feel happier now that I've thrown in the towel. Yes it works for some people, but rarely for me, make that never. I have never had a significant romantic relationship with someone from the internet. I've had firm friendships, but never romance. Insanity really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So here is to healthy mind, body and spirit. xoxox

Too Many Options : Day 67 #100daysofwriting

We have too many options and it's making us noncommittal.

Consider things like online dating and dating apps. Goodness me, I've been down that road a few times and felt the rejection. I've also hideously rejected. Or wavered in my attentions. Why? Because we are convinced that something better is around the corner. I've found myself dismissing someone based on their finger nails... ok, maybe no spark too, but those finger nails.... it was never going to work. Manicure? Nah, don't think it would have helped. Let's order our next date off the internet on the way to the car.

Why commit to one pair of jeans when you can have them in every single colour and only wear them once? We don't even need to leave the house to have them all delivered. Alright, admittedly I find it easier to find clothes that I want to keep forever than men. And jeans don't mind time-sharing your legs. Is it just me or did that sound awful? I don't think "bottom" would make it any less dodge.

I suppose we can eat food from all over the world without even hopping in the car, let alone a plane. I live in a very vibrant neighbourhood and have Mexican, Thai, Italian, Jamaican and Portuguese food all within walking distance! I really don't feel the need to choose one venue as my "local".

Honestly, I think it is actually only awful when it comes to dating, and I've had the same conversation with a number of people over the last week. Why choose? Why settle down? Don't we have a desperate need to be accepted and loved, held as favourite? Surely it appeals to have a constant presence in our lives? So why are so many people my age running around in mad circles to date as many people as possible? I'm guilty in my own way, and I really could have been persuaded to have a second date with at least a few of the guys - even the weird nails one. But then again, I have not met anyone that I really clicked with romantically in a very long time? Am I fussy or complex? Maybe sobriety makes me fussy? Or is it careful?

I've decided to just focus on the constants in my life, they need appreciation and attention. I'm tired of all the fickle online shopping.

Happiness ; Day 66 #100daysofwriting

On Saturday night, sandwiched between two lovely friends and a cat too, I watched "Hector and the Search for Happiness" - it's a movie, it is life changing. The whole scenario made me pretty happy (and warm). Oh, "Hector" is based on the book by Francois Lelord - which I hope to read in the next few months (feel free to mail me a Takelot voucher....)               
              

Happiness really does seem to be something that we all want, but rarely find - probably because we are greedy and don't recognise it for what it is. I think of happiness as rather a sense of contentment, acceptance of life and it's circumstances. Am I a happy person? Yes, I actually think that I am. I do also live with depression, but as you should know, depression doesn't actually mean sad. And I suppose that happy doesn't actually mean never sad? Is this getting philosophical?

 

I've been very stressed and under pressure with work. I've been run down. BUT I'm not actually unhappy, I am tired and achy, not sad or dissatisfied.

 

Strangely with "happiness" on my mind the last few days, I came across this Brain & Heart cartoon. It really clicked for me - that most of the time we are literally afraid of being happy. Why do we want to deny ourselves happiness? It's not a hedonistic pursuit, it's pure. I've included Hector's findings below too.

 

Go, be happy xoxo

 

Hoping...

Heartbreak : Day 68 #100daysofwriting

"Creativity is so delicate a flower that praise tends to make it bloom, while discouragement often nips it in the bud."
                         —Alex Osborn

I've been absorbing so much sadness and feeling so low that I am struggling to keep up with this challenge. I'm burnt out and I am afraid. On the surface I'm just hanging in there but today I feel like I can't breathe. This isn't a cry for help, probably just a declaration of my fragile state of mind.

I feel like I'm disconnected from truth and joy - somehow lost a little on my journey. I will be ok though and I know exactly what I want to write about on my two "missing posts". I just need to rise above the dark fog. Even writing now makes me feel a little lighter.

I suppose life is full of ups and downs, and it's ok to be down, especially when sad things happen around you, when you feel overwhelmed and when you make mistakes. I will be ok. You will be ok. We will all be ok.

Best Foot Forward : Day 65 #100daysofwriting

I'm lying lazily in my lounge window, lapping up the winter sun. Fully aware that I didn't write last night.

Loving the feeling of bare toes. I had a pedicure last week so my feet are looking Summer ready and adorable.

I've had a strange love affair with feet - mine and others. Not in the fetish for toes sucking kind of way - more like a hectic aversion.

I grew up thinking that feet were filthy and vile. I wouldn't touch someone else's feet or even have them near me. I definitely wouldn't let anyone touch my feet. I barely touched my feet! I'd apply lotion to the top of my feet and then rub them together. I was fine with toe nail care, usually after a good soak.

The idea of reflexology was repulsive and I refused to even think about a professional pedicure.

I'm not sure what changed but I went for a pedicure last year. A proper one, where a stranger files away at your hooves until your feet turn model worthy. It was the most caring and loving act ever. I'm so relieved that I did it. I now give my little feet more love and treat myself to a professional pedicure every few months.